Oct 31, 2006

"Good" porn.

So y'all know I love my lady love very much...and yes, it's about time I stopped with the whole (shiny!) thing.

Even though I say it in my mind ever time I think of her. I'll just say it in my head every time I type it from now on. Okay?

She doesn't really care for my porn collection, though. Not that she disapproves of porn, in general. Quite the contrary. She is actually way more into it than I am. She just fancies BETTER porn than I have in my house. Gotta respect a woman like that.

And not that I have any pride in my porn collection. Most of it was bought with my head down in some Adult Shop hoping not to bump into anyone I know. She just doesn't care for the stuff I have.

The other night she was bartending at her restaurant when I came in for Monday Night Football. She was spending the night with me and she wanted me to run out and buy some "good" porn for us to enjoy that evening. Of course she said this in front of a great many people that we both know including the parents of a friend of ours.

She has no censor button in her head. None.

As I've previously stated, our idea of "good" porn is pretty different. I simply need attractive females who can fake a good orgasm. Maybe large to extra-large boobs on said attractive female, but that is purely optional. She needs to have her mind blown. She has high standards. Just reference her taste in men. Yeah.

Anyway, I was in no mood to run out to a sex shop at that hour, and I'm slightly embarrassed that it all came up in front of our friends, so I told her I would finance her trip the next day to buy us some "good" porn...something she is into. Maybe a sex toy or two (see Steven Novak's article about this shit here). Something to spice it up a bit...not that we need any spicing up, but what the hey.

So after she spends roughly three times the amount of cash I gave her, we wound up with 4 brand-spanking (well...not spanking) new DVDs, a new vibrator (cute little fella shaped like a dolphin...awww) and a sex toy for both of us that I am too ashamed to describe here. WAY too ashamed to describe here. Let's just say it did the trick. Over and over and over again. Wow!

It's been a couple of days and we still are having a rough time walking around. This is not meant to be boastful in any way. Well, maybe a little...but those things we bought surely have found their way into the bedroom Hall of Fame. Or the living room, in our case. Too much sharing?

The porn was really "good" too. And we only got through one DVD! Janine Lindemulder starred in it, and my girl bought it because she knows how much I dig women with tattoos.

Did I mention how much I love her?

Editor's note - I've been hemming and hawing for a few hours now about posting this. Is it too personal? Is her mother going to read this? Is Slyde gonna be pissed off I never financed one of his trips to the Sex Shop? All these things were swimming in my head. Finally, I just said "Fuck it!". And if any of my family reads this...it was all fiction. I swear!

8 comments:

melanie said...

Ah fuck em if they are too PC to enjoy this post. I am not into toys, but know many that find them satisfying!

good to see a healthy sex life. seriously, if more people had adventurous, not torturous, sex lives, they would be much less hostile.

well, its a theory...

Yasamin said...

lmmfao @ your shame!!! oh hon dont be ashamed about anything that makes you all hot. Hell im picky like crazy about my porn. I even know what actresses and actors i like. hehehe its not an addiction. i dont even own any but you can rent them at fascinations! which is always fun.

ps bwahahahahahahah@ stevens sex toy story i still think of it and laugh so hard i cry.

Slyde said...

Hi Earl... just wanted to let you know that i am here reading this with your mom, your neices, and your priest. We are ASHAMED!!!!

So, shiny lady love isnt into your foot porn collection? Big surprise.....

wait, you are BOTH walking funny? THATS something i didnt need to know.....

Thats about it, except for the fact i need to remind myself never again to sit on your couch....

Slyde said...

p.s. Janine Lindemulder is one of the sexiest women on the planet. Someone once showed me the sex tape she made with Vince Neil. My God, what a woman.........

Anonymous said...

The wife and I have been known to pull the porn card from time to time.

I personally like hte freaky gonzo shit...but that's just me. ;)

Steve~

Kat said...

You realize that I'm gonna harrass you till the end of time if ya don't just fess up to the sex toy ya bought...pervert...hehehe...

B.E. Earl said...

Kat - Correction: sex toy SHE bought! And no...I won't fess up.

Keep guessing amongst yourselves.

i am the diva said...

ah yes... the old Too much information debate. I'm glad you posted, the line about your lady love just enjoying BETTER PORN cracked me up.