Old Crap

Ran into a little something that I had written way back in 2000. It was merely intended to make my friends Peter and Mary (sorry, didn't hang with any Pauls back then) laugh, and it is incredibly stupid. So I figured, why not post it on my blog? Sure.

Anyhow, this was right after the film Grosse Pointe Blank came out. There was a quote in it that sounded really familiar, like I had heard it in some other film. I did some research and I found that there was a similar quote in the film Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.

After a night of drinking tequila, I must have started thinking of some absurd similarities between the two films and I jotted them down. It turned into the mess below. I would say enjoy, but it's really not that funny.

Grosse Pointe Wonka

Basic Plotlines:
Wonka - Man attempts to find something noble and good in the children of the world by spending some time with a chosen handful of them.
Blank - Man attempts to find something noble and good in himself by spending some time with his childhood sweetheart.

The Actors:
Wonka - Gene Wilder is a gifted, comedic actor who worked in many a film with his friend Richard Pryor.
Blank - John Cusack is a gifted, comedic actor who worked in many a film with his friend Jeremy Piven.

Main Characters:
Wonka - Weirdo loner
Blank - Weirdo loner

Dr. Frankenstein:
Wonka - Wilder played him in "Young Frankenstein"
Blank - Cusack played him in "Better Off Dead" - ok that was a reach.

Their professions:
Wonka - Works with wacky assistants (Oompa Loompas) in a job no one would really believe he has.
Blank - Works with a wacky assistant (Marcella) in a job no one actually believes he has. And he tells 'em straight out what he does.

Good Music:
Wonka - All of the Oompa Loompa songs (especially the one after Mike TV gets shrunk…creepy)
Blank - All the greatest 80's songs in one movie (The Clash, The Pogues, Siouxsie and the Banshees, The Specials…very cool)

Good Poetry:
Wonka - "There's no earthly way of knowing / Which direction we are going / There's no knowing where we're rowing / Or which way the river's flowing / Is it raining? / Is it snowing? / Is a hurricane a-blowing? / Not a speck of light is showing / So the danger must be growing / Are the fires of hell a-glowing? / Is the grisly reaper mowing? / Yes, the danger must be growing / 'Cause the rowers keep on rowing / And they're certainly not showing / Any signs that they are slowing!" - Wonka
Blank - "I'll be comin' around the mountain when I come / I'll be comin' around the mountain when I come / I'll be blowing your fucking head off / I'll be blowing your fucking head off / I'll be whacking your fucking mind out when I come" - Grocer

Rejection:
Wonka - "You stole fizzy lifting drinks! You bumped into the ceiling, which now has to be washed, and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day sir!" - Wonka
Blank - "Hey Jenny Slater. Hey Jenny Slater. Hey Jenny Slater. " - Paul

Cool New Words:
Wonka - "Hsawaknow" is Wonkawash spelled backwards.
Blank - "Shakabuku" is a swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever.

Sanity Checks:
Wonka - "What is this, some kind of freak out?" - Violet
Blank - "You're a handsome devil. What's your name?" - Mary Blank to Martin

Vicious Name Calling:
Wonka - "You're an inhuman monster!" - Grandpa Joe to Wonka, although technically he was wrong...it was just a test for Charlie.
Blank - "You're a psychopath!" - Debi to Martin, although technically she was wrong because, as we all know, psychopaths kill for no reason. Martin kills for money. It's a job.

The Quotes That Started it All:
Wonka - "Where, oh where is fancy bred, in the heart or in the head?" - Wonka
Blank - "Where are all the good men dead, in the heart or in the head?" - Debi

Note - See...told you it was pretty silly - Earl