31 of 31: The Houses October Built (2014)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: Amazon Rental on Roku
Starring: Some folks I've never seen before

Well, I did it. I started watching this 31st film on Halloween night around 11PM, so it counts. It's taking me a few days to actually get to the review portion of the program. Mostly because I was deeply disappointed in this film. Not that it's inherently a terrible film. On the contrary, it's mostly a FANTASTIC film. But it all fell apart in the last act, especially the final denouement. Which I will leave un-spoiled, because maybe you'll enjoy it more than I did. But it left me scratching my head and wishing for more.

Here's the deal. A group of young adventurers are off to find the most extreme haunts in America. Not haunted houses, but Halloween-themed scare houses. You know the deal. They've heard of "extreme" haunts that blur the violent line between realism and fantasy, even some that have allegedly featured real deaths. Accidental deaths probably, but you never know. They rent an RV and pack their found-footage cameras and head off.

As they travel from town to town, haunt to haunt, they document the lengths that ordinary people go to for a fright or a thrill. They also encounter the dark underbelly of the haunt culture. Angry and/or sad interviews with customers and haunt actors. And they elicit some anger from the haunt community on their insistence to film the frights. Anger turns to danger as they are "led" from tamer haunts to the extreme haunts that they really want to experience. Again...how fare are they willing to go for the ultimate fright or thrill. That's the premise of the film.

Did they bring the scares? Yes. There are some honest-to-God frights in the film. Some of the creeps working at the haunts are truly terrifying. Well, I guess their masks were terrifying. Bottom line, the creeps were creepy. But the film never went to the truly dark places that I thought it was going to go. Don't get me wrong, the ending is dark. Just not the dark that I (or many other reviewers) wanted. It just wasn't satisfying. If the ending had been more in line with what I was hoping for, this would have been my best reviewed film of the year.

As it is? Merely meh.

Verdant Dude Rating: 2.5 out of 5 pumpkin ales

30 of 31: The Pact (2012)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: Netflix on Roku
Starring: Caity Lotz, Casper Van Dien

One more day til Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. One more day til Halloween, blah blah blah blah!

Our little experiment is winding down here, kids. And I have to tell you, I haven't been overwhelmed. Sure...I've found some diamonds in the rough. The Conspiracy, We Are What We Are, Willow Creek, Evil Dead, The Sacrament and The Taking of Deborah Logan were all top-notch. Four out of the six of those are of the found-footage variety. What ya gonna do. The state of the horror genre in the 2010's. I've got another one coming tomorrow, but I'm already thinking that one is gonna win the top prize. I try to save the best for last with these things, ya know.

The Pact has been cluttering up my Netflix queue for quite a while now. Or "My List" as they call it now for us streaming customers. Which bothers me because my Netflix queue was really the only reason I had to use the word "queue" on a somewhat weekly basis. And I dig that word. Sounds so much more posh than "My List". I picked it because it had a scary poster and it stars Caity Lotz, who is a semi-regular on The Arrow TV show, which I enjoy. Lotz proves to me that I have no specific type with women. I'm usually not a big fan of the freckly-faced, dimple-chinned, red-headed all-American type. But daaaaayum, girl! All that and a bag of freckly chips.

Here she plays Annie, a young woman with polychromatic eyes who has to deal with the funeral of her abusive mother as her older sister goes missing. She goes back to the old homestead, where everything looks like it was vacuum-packed from 1972. Terrible paneling, wallpaper, furniture and wall-to-wall carpeting. Pretty much my worst nightmare. Even the funeral home looks like it belongs in a Brady Bunch episode.

Crazy shit starts happening. Her cousin Liz disappears just like here sister did. Then she is attacked by some unseen force. Like unseen as in nothing was there. But she manages to escape the house with her young niece, Eva. She runs to the police who, of course, see some rather large holes in her story. Speaking of holes, she and the detective in charge of the case find a hidden room in her old home. With little peepholes into the other rooms of the house. Like someone was living there and spying on them while they were growing up. Cree...pee! With the help of a childhood psychic friend, we've all got one of those, she discovers a link to a serial killer named Judas who was never caught.

I managed to make it through the entire film even though I was staring lustily at Caity Lotz like the creepy fucking creep that I am. And even though I was warm to her form (eww), I couldn't help but notice that this was one chilling flick. Well made and often truly scary, at times. Certainly a worthwhile entry into this series.

Verdant Dude Rating: 4* out of 5 pumpkin ales.

*bonus points for this. I'm such a creep.

29 of 31: Grabbers (2012)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: Netflix on Roku
Starring: A bunch of Irish folk

A group of villagers on a remote Irish island, including a police officer from the mainland, come under attack by what appears to be a bloodthirsty pack of tentacled sea creatures. Something fell/crashed out of the sky the night before just off the coast, with the sea creatures taking out an entire crew working on a fishing trawler. And then a bunch of mutilated dead whales wash up on the shore. And a local drunk lobsterman catches a small creature in one of his traps that is clearly not a lobster. In the evening, after his usual routine of getting absolutely hammered at the local pub, he is attacked by the small creature. He survives the encounter, kills the creature and dubs them "grabbers".

The local marine biologist, after examining the dead creature, deduces that they subsist on blood. That all they need to survive is blood and water. And he discovers that alcohol is toxic to them. Which is why the old drunk lobsterman was able to survive his encounter with the grabber, they theorize. And this is when the fun begins. Much like Simon Pegg and Nick Frost heading to the pub in Shaun of the Dead, the villagers decide to get their drink on. Makes sense to me. The only defense against these creatures is a solid bender.

I guess you can tell that this is in the comedy/horror genre rather than just straight horror. And what it lacks in actual frights, it more than makes up for in fun. The cast and the writing are both top-notch. I loved how they tested their theory and then deduced the proper amount of beer and whiskey that each of them would need to consume to fight off the beasties. Lots of fun.

Don't take it too seriously because it's not meant to be be taking seriously. If you like your horror with a side of comedy, of your comedy with a side of horror for that matter, then check this one out. And you may as well get pissed in the process. Just in case.

Verdant Dude Rating: 3.5 out of 5 pumpkin ales

28 of 31: Mine Games (2012)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: Netflix on Roku
Starring: Briana Evigan, Julianna Guill, Joseph Cross

I almost said "fuck it" tonight and watched A Cabin in the Woods again. For the 15th time or so. God, I love that movie. But no, I'm trudging on. And in honor of ACitW, I'm watching a "cabin in the woods" kinda flick. An Aussie/American flick called Mine Games from 2012. And it is both exactly what you think it is and nothing what you would expect at all. Intrigued? Nah...me neither.

A bunch of handsome kids head to a remote cabin in the woods for a little party time in their oh-so-sweet rape van. Three girls and four guys. The perfect "three couples and another dude" situation that all these films require. Might be one more couple than necessary, but let's not quibble. In a great series of genre tropes, we see vague warnings of recent murders in the paper, they run off the road briefly by someone flagging them down in the dark, they run out of gas and then someone suggests they split up to find the cabin. They don't actually do that, but you have to admire the gumption for someone to even suggest it.

They make serial killer jokes, one of the guys who seems a bit off forgets his meds, and then the lights go off. But there has to be a generator, right? Right. And then they hear someone outside. Loud noises and bumps that go thing in the night. You know, this is really beginning to feel like A Cabin in the Woods. All we need is a basement full of nerds to run the show. Or a mine shaft full of nerds. Maybe just a mine shaft. Yup...we've got that covered.

What happens next? Well, I believe the famed West Texan philosopher Rustin Cohle said it best. "Someone once told me, 'Time is a flat circle.' Everything we've ever done or will do, we're gonna do over and over and over again."

All right, all right, all right...
All right, all right, all right...
All right, all right, all right....
All right, all right, all right....
All right, all right, all right....
All...

Verdant Dude Rating: 2 out of 5 pumpkin ales

27 of 31: The Den (2013)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: Netflix on Roku
Starring: Melanie Papalia

Ugh...I know I'm either going to either love this one or really hate it. Meet Elizabeth, she's a Mac. Already I'm depressed. Elizabeth is a grad student who is doing her thesis on online activities of the people that she meets through a website called "The Den." It's basically Chatroulette, which I thought wasn't really a thing anymore. She is on the website 24/7, recording everything for her thesis.

Besides her friends and relatives, she encounters pretty much who you would expect her to encounter on a webcam site. Freaks, creeps, children and freaky, creepy children. I'm not sure why anyone would ever use a website like that. One of the feeds shows a still selfie picture of a young woman or girl. After waiting a few seconds to see if anything happens, she switches to a new user. She winds up back to that feed shortly and receives an instant message telling her to not switch the feed, calling her a dumb cunt in the process. While she is sleeping, we see that someone has hacked her password for the site. The same feed of the selfie of the young woman. This time with an audio track of someone in pain and screaming.

Seems as if our young Elizabeth has found a bona-fide hacker/stalker psychopath. And that's our horror premise right there. The entire movie plays out on the webcam of our heroine and stalker victim. The most obvious thing that we experience through her experiences is that the internet is a scary fucking place, and maybe we aren't meant to live online like that. Online trolls are awful, imagine if they found a way into your real life as well?

I hated just about everyone in this film. It's a terrible, terrible way to live. I guess that's the whole point of the film. That the internet might not be as private as you would like to wish. But it could make for a interesting thriller, if you aren't sick of the "found footage" genre. I guess. It started to annoy me after a while. It's only 81 minutes long, but I was pretty much done with it after just half that.

Enter The Den at your own risk.

Verdant Dude Rating: 1 out of 5 pumpkin ales.

26 of 31: Kill List (2012)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: Netflix on Roku
Starring: Neil Maskell, Michael Smiley, MyAnna Buring

Jay and Gal are a couple of former soldiers, back from Iraq and working as hit-men. While Gal is easy-going, Jay has been deeply affected by a mission of theirs that went bad. He hasn't worked in close to a year, and he and his family are running out of savings. Jay's wife arranges a dinner party with Gal and his new girlfriend, Fiona. She hopes that Gal can convince Jay to take another job and support his family.

The dinner party has it's ups and downs, but it ends with Jay agreeing to the new job. Not before Fiona, who resembles a bit of a Goth, carves a crazy Blair Witch-y symbol on the back of the bathroom mirror. Oh and collects some scraps of toilet paper that Jay had used to clean up some bloody nicks on his face after shaving. You know...normal dinner party stuff.

The hit-men meet their client, who somehow knows about the last job that they did and how it all went wrong. He surprises Jay by slicing his hand and insisting that they seal their contract in blood. That's always good. The contract is for three kills. The first goes fairly easy, although the target seems to recognize Jay. He also thanks him before the deed is done. Weirdo. Same thing happens with the second target, although that one is much more complicated due to some particular circumstances that are too horrific for even these dangerous men.

Things begin to unravel at this point. They and their families lives are threatened when they decide to opt out of the contract. You remember...that contract that they sealed with blood. So they agree to finish the job. Fates are accepted, destinies met, stuff like that. But not before it all gets really weird. Like Wicker Man meets Straw Dogs weird. I think I'll leave it at that.

It's a low-key film that probably could have benefited from a larger budget, and maybe a bit more exposition. The main character isn't very likable, in fact he's downright unlikable. So that's a bit of problem, even if his mate Gal seems OK. Well, they ARE hired killers, so... I kinda saw where the whole thing was headed early on. I say "kinda" because I was only kinda right. Did I mention that the film got really fucking weird in the third act? Yeah, there were a few things there I didn't see coming.

Check it out and enjoy the insanity of that last act.


 
Verdant Dude Rating: 3 out of 5 pumpkin ales

25 of 31: The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: Netflix on Roku
Starring: Jill Larson, Anne Ramsey

I'm admitting to knowing exactly bupkiss on this one when I picked it for this evening's entertainment. It was listed as being recommended for me by Netflix, and how often can that go wrong*? From the title alone, I'm assuming this has something to do with possession or kidnapping or something. Maybe they just take the titular (hehe) Ms. Logan to the DMV to get her driver's license renewed. Let's find out, shall we?

A film crew is invited to document the one woman's ongoing descent into the hell that is Alzheimer's disease. Yup, another entry into the faux documentary/found footage genre. Only about my 7th or 8th such type of film this month so far. After some initial hesitancy on the part of the subject, the film crew is invited into the Logan home to begin their project. The project involves documenting how Alzheimer's not only destroys the life of the victim, but also of the primary caregiver and/or the immediate family.

As the film progresses, Deborah falls deeper and deeper into madness and despair. But the film crew (and we the viewers) begin to notice some other things going on in the background. Supernatural things. It appears as if Deborah Logan is fighting this war on many fronts. For her body and mind with the Alzheimer's, and for her soul against whatever demonic force is trying to possess her.

That's a novel take for these types of films. Usually the victim is a child or a young woman. But Deborah Logan is a tough old bird. Raised her daughter as single mother after her husband died at an early age. She's the epitome of a strong, capable woman who has endured many trials and tribulations in her time. Her 40-something-ish daughter is not handling the current situation well, turning to the bottle as a way of dealing. Usually it's the parents in these films that go that route. So kudos to the filmmakers for taking something familiar and turning it on its ear.

Jill Larson, as Deborah Logan, is amazing in this character. I've seen her someplace before. A quick glance at her IMDB profile shows that she has mostly worked in television, daytime television at that. Soap operas and the like. But she truly shines here as a woman being destroyed from the inside and out. Her descent from early-onset dementia to full-blown possession is something to see. Pretty amazing stuff.


So some familiar territory, some originality. Some pretty decent frights mixed in as well. The backstory behind the evil entity is anything new though. Telegraphed from a mile away. So it's a bit of a mixed bag, but enough for me to recommend it. Check it out.

Verdant Dude Rating: 3.5 out of 5 pumpkin ales


*all the fucking time

Temporary Defeat (2014)

Just didn't have the will, energy or time to keep up with the 31 in 31 deal.

Consider this a temporary white flag. I may still rally during the week, double up some nights and finish this bad boy out.

Maybe.

24 of 31: The Sacrament (2013)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: Netflix on Roku
Starring: AJ Bowen, Joe Swanberg, directed by Ti West

Another found-footage horror flick. I know...yawn. Been there, done that, re-wound that piece of footage. I'm not hater, but it's getting to the point where there has to be something special about the film for me to show an even rudimentary interest. Like with Willow Creek earlier this month. That was a movie I really wanted to see because of the director involved. Same this with this film. My interest is directly tied to the filmmaker.

Ti West is probably my favorite recent director in the genre. The House of the Devil, The Innkeepers, his segment in V/H/S. All great stuff. And I wasn't too interested in a found-footage film that mirrored many of the events of the Jonestown Massacre, but when I found out that Ti West was involved I knew I was all in. I have high hopes.

Here we have a fashion photographer whose sister is a recovering drug addict. She joined a religious community in the South someplace as a part of her recovery. After not hearing from her from quite a while, he receives a letter from him stating that all is well and hoping he could come visit her. The letter included a contact telephone number. When he calls, he's told by the man who answers that his sister had moved out of the country with the rest of the community and that she could only be reached, mysteriously, by helicopter. VICE magazine convinces him to let them accompany him on his trip to document the adventure, and the game is afoot.

They arrived at a commune named Eden Parish only to be met by armed guards who are perturbed at the appearance of a film crew. After some initial tense moments, they are allowed through the gates where they are greeted by the man's sister who shows them around the place. Have you read or seen anything about Jonestown? Yeah...it looks like that. Have your read or seen anything about Jim Jones? Yeah...that's the guy who runs this commune. A older Southern gentlemen who everyone refers to as "Father".

At first, of course, the commune appears to be a true Utopia. It's a beautiful place and everyone seems to be genuinely at peace, but the journalists can't help but feel uneasy about the whole situation. Father treated them well and with respect, but he also dominated them with the power of his charisma. His message to them had an undertone of real danger. Then a young mute girl hands one of the journalists a note that says "Please save us". And the facade begins to crumble.

It's ever bit as disturbing, violent and tragic as what we might imagine to have happened that day  in 1978 when a charismatic cult leader decided that mass murder was the final solution. There are some truly difficult scenes toward the end of the film. Hard to watch. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't.

Verdant Dude Rating: 4 out of 5 pumpkin ales

23 of 31: Last Light: An Irish Ghost Story (2011)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: Amazon Prime on Roku
Starring: Some Irish folks

I haven't found too much written about this film, but what I have found has been slightly positive. Even though the film was supposedly made for around £200, that's British pounds. Might be the lowest-budget film I've ever heard of. The writer/director, George Clarke, wrote the screenplay in 3 days and filmed it in 12. Mostly with his family and friends. Set in real abandoned mansion in Northern Ireland that had been a hospital in WWII, and then a nursing home for the elderly. The townsfolk hire a handyman to board off the historical site to keep the local kids from breaking in and destroying the place that had already fallen into disrepair.

Here's the deal. This is an actual, well supposed, haunted mansion. The cast and crew allegedly encountered numerous instances of paranormal phenomena. George Clarke spent the three days writing the film at the mansion with a team of paranormal investigators and a psychic. Nearly everything that happens in the film is based on those events. Kinda cool.

The tiny budget in the film is a palpable thing. The only non-natural lighting used in the dark mansion is from a flashlight, a Zippo lighter and some matches. That's it. And since there was very little budget for special effects, the ghosts are played by actual people, giving a real physicality to their presence in the film. The handyman has a whole series of "Holy shit, get the fuck out!" experiences almost immediately, although he somehow convinces himself that it's just a bunch of local kids fucking with him. Pissed at that thought, he becomes determined to finish the job of sealing off all the doors and windows in the house.

But the ghosts and spirits don't want to be sealed in. So, while they've avoided him for his first couple of weeks at the house, they become angry and violent and very grabby as he prepares to finish the job. You can probably guess where this is all headed. Things do not go well for our intrepid handyman. Even though he had ample opportunities to go running home to his wife. Who, while being very skeptical, comes to get rescue him at the desperate urging of her sister.

I've seen haunted house films made on much, much larger budgets that weren't nearly as effective as this one was. Not saying that it's a great film or anything. But it was atmospheric and fun, and that's about all I need when it comes to paranormal horror. Give it a try. Absolutely amazing for how much was spent on the film.

Verdant Dude Rating: 3 out of 5 pumpkin ales

22 of 31: The Lords of Salem (2012)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: Starz on cable
Starring: Sheri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davison

Rob Zombie loves horror films. I'll give him that. Occasionally he will turn that love into something brilliant like The Devil's Rejects. Sometimes he's like a hulking barbarian, wielding that love like a giant two-handed sword. Sloppily cleaving through the torsos of the horror icons before him, like he did with the Halloween franchise reboot. He's done serial killer families, cannibalism, unstoppable killing machines and with The Lords of Salem he is ready to take a hack at witchcraft. Not nature-loving Wiccans, but demon-worshiping witches.

Right away, I'm impressed. Taking a tip from the success of The Devil's Rejects, this film feels like it could have been made in the 1960's or early 1970's. Exactly what the subject matter requires, in my opinion. There isn't one digital effect in the film. Very cool. Odd camera angles, characters just walking off-screen on occasion, that certain graininess that permeated all those old great horror movies. It's about as old-school as it gets when it comes to the genre.

Sheri Moon Zombie and her naked butt play a DJ working in Salem, Massachusetts. You know...the place with the witches. After one show, an old recording is left for her at the station by someone called the Lords. It's some spooky mumbo-jumbo, incantations and the like. The recording gives the visions and the heebies to our heroine.

There's other creepiness afoot at the old boarding house where she lives. She keeps seeing a mystery tenant near a room that is supposedly empty. And she keeps NOT seeing some naked scary ghosts that inhabit the place as well. Plus there's the landlady and her "sisters"...a freaky, ahem, coven of odd birds. Zombie visualized the witches of Salem as Manson-esque hippies, a pretty cool concept.

This is a scary, visually exciting horror flick. Perfect for a cold, rainy, Autumn day like we've had here in the Northeast for the past few days. It also is a whole lot of fun as Zombie doesn't take it all so seriously. There may also be a much longer director's cut sometime in our future, as roles played by Sid Haig, Clint Howard, Udo Kier and many, many others wound up on he editing room floor. Probably a good idea. House of 1,000 Corpses could have used a stronger editing hand. A tidy hour and 42 minutes feels just about right for this one.

Unfortunately, for me, the film fell apart in the last act. All that restraint that Zombie showed in the first 2/3 of the film was gone. I think he sometimes forgets that the unknown is scarier than the known, that it's sometimes better to keep the audience in the dark. And he has that tendency to go over the top. For
2/3 of the film he was able to reign it in, but he finally had to let loose the hulking barbarian with the two-handed sword. Because he is who he is.

It's still worth watching, though. Even with the crap ending.

Verdant Dude Rating: 3 out of 5 pumpkin ales

21 of 31: Evil Dead (2013)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: Starz on cable
Starring: Jane Levy, Shiloh Fernandez

In what would amount to pure heresy amongst horror film fans, I'm here to admit that I'm not a fan of Sam Raimi's The Evil Dead from 1981. I thought it was okay, but nothing on the level that most cultists feel. I liked the second movie a lot, and I LOVED the third film. But at that point they had moved on from horror to almost pure comedy. And Bruce Campbell is just the absolute grooviest. But that first film? Meh.

In the 2013 remake/reboot, instead of the tired "five college students vacation in a cabin in the woods" trope, we have what amounts to a voluntary intervention. Mia's brother and her friends go to the cabin to help her recover from her heroin addiction. She's a damaged kid who had to deal with her mother going to an insane asylum by herself because her brother bailed on the situation. He's trying to repair the damage he's done to her and reconnect with their friends.

Things start to go bad when they discover a cellar filled with animal corpses and ye olde evil book. One of them reads some shit out loud that he was warned not to read, and that's when the demons be possessing people. Mia is the first to be possessed, but one by one they all fall. All based on the prophecies written in ye olde evil book. Five souls needed to awaken something called the Abomination. Not. Good.

There's a lot more backstory in this remake. Both involving the characters and the demonic stuff going on at the cabin. There's also a hell of a lot more gore and violence. Just an absolute gore-fest of a film. I've read the original film used 50 gallons of blood. This filmed used over 70,000 gallons. Wow. It got a little too"torture porn-y" at times for my taste, but demonic possession will cause that. I'm guessing here. Nothing in my own personal history can confirm that. Ahem.

There are a whole mess o' winks, nods and loving references to the original film in this remake, including a post-credits cameo from Bruce Almighty himself. Groovy. And don't worry, the chainsaw makes an appearance. And a "holy fucking shit!" appearance at that. I know that a sequel is in the works for this one. And Sam Raimi has mentioned a fourth film in the original series. And then possibly another film bringing the two story-lines together. That would be interesting. For now, enjoy this fun gore-fest. It's about as entertaining as these things get.

Verdant Dude Rating: 3.5 out of 5 pumpkin ales.

20 of 31: Train (2008)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: HBO Go on Roku
Starring: Thora Birch

Here's a weird concept. A group of American college wrestlers, male and female, are participating in tournament somewhere in Eastern Europe. After one of the matches, a few of them sneak out to go to a local rave/sex party that they were invited to by one of their opponents. They wind up missing their train with the rest of the team the following morning and they accept the offer of a strange woman to ride another train that will get them to Odessa with their coaches so they can meet up with the rest of the team. Seems sketchy, at best.

What follows can basically be summed up by calling this Hostel on a train. There are some vicious, sadistic fucks who operate the train, and they prey upon unsuspecting tourists like our wrestling team. You see, one of the cars on the train is a fucked-up torture chamber. I always check to make sure my train doesn't have one of those when I travel the rails. One by one, our intrepid wrestlers get snatched up and tortured by the train crazies. I'm not sure I understand the point of it all. Organ harvesting is the idea, but it's really poorly executed. Seems like a bit much, if you ask me.

I had read that this was originally going to be a straight remake of Terror Train from 1980 starring Jamie Lee Curtis. THAT was a fun horror flick. Lone psychopath out for revenge during a costume party hosted on a train. But the studio decided to go with torture porn, which was all the rage last decade. Bad choice. Fucking horrendous choice.

Hardly anything in this movie makes any sense. It's poorly written, plotted, paced, directed and acted. Do yourself a favor and skip this turd of a film. Easily one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen.

Verdant Dude Rating: 0 out of 5 pumpkin ales. 

19 of 31: The New Daughter (2009)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: Showtime on regular cable
Starring: Kevin Costner

I had no idea that Kevin Costner ever made a horror film. Just doesn't seem to be part of his oeuvre, if you know what I mean. And if you know what I mean, I'm glad. Because I'm not sure I'm using that word correctly. Bottom line...horror doesn't seem to be his bag. Baseball, rom-coms, grumpy action hero joints...sure. Just not horror.

In this one he plays a recently divorced man with a teenaged daughter and a younger son who moves them to a remote house in the country. Local rumors abound about the place, including tales of a woman who went missing around there. Plus there is a giant burial mound on the grounds of the property. Not good. Then the family cat goes missing and is found the next day mutilated. Already I'm pissed. No need to kill the family cat.

More freaky shit starts happening. The girl is oddly attracted by the burial ground, she winds up covered in mud and blood, Costner keeps finding an odd straw doll and the house seems to be infested by spiders. His daughter is becoming more and more unstable, and we soon see she has some weird scarring on her back and neck. Something to do with that burial mound. Possibly an old Native American burial ground.

Two tropes of horror films you should never mess with. 1) Don't move your family into an old creepy house in the middle of nowhere. 2) Stay far away from ancient Native American burial grounds. So Costner fucks up twice in this one. He discovers that the same stuff happening to his family happened to the previous owners. A young girl seemingly became obsessed/possessed by something in the burial ground, and bad shit began happening to the family.

History is going to repeat itself.

As has been a theme here on the Dude this month, this film is nothing new in the horror genre. But it offers some decent frights and good production values. And those are two things that can make even a bad horror film a whole lot more watchable. 

Verdant Dude Rating: 2.5 out of 5 pumpkin ales.

18 of 31: Willow Creek (2014)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: Rented on Amazon for Roku
Starring: Alexie Gilmore, Bryce Johnson

If you had told me several decades ago that Bobcat Goldthwait would be a respected director, Hell if you had told me he wouldn't be working on Police Academy 13: Zed's Dead Baby*, well...I would have been pretty skeptical. I've seen several of his dark comedies and enjoyed them, even if I refuse to watch World's Greatest Dad, mostly just to piss off a friend of mine. I'm a dick like that. Willow Creek is his first stab at horror, and a pretty fun ride if you are in the mood for this kind of thing.

A young couple are off to the remote area of Six Rivers National Forest in Northern California. The dude is a Bigfoot enthusiast who has been dreaming of visiting the site of the infamous Patterson-Gimlin Bigfoot film that we've all seen countless times in our lives. She is a skeptic, someone who feels like the odds of discovering Bigfoot are roughly equal to those of discovering leprechauns.

Goldthwait seems to be a fan of the Bigfoot legends, as am I. He decided to make a straight-forward found footage film documenting this couple as they explore the town of Willow Creek and meet the eccentric locals. Their barely-contained glee at how serious some of the townfolk take the legends quickly turns to terror as they head out alone into the woods near Bluff Creek...the site of the Patterson-Gimlin footage.

The film doesn't break any new ground in either the genre nor the legend of Bigfoot. The big reveal toward the end has been the subject of previous Bigfoot films and fiction. But it's still a whole lot of fun. My favorite thing about the film is that there were hardly any moments where you wanted to scream "put the camera down and RUN, idiots!" That's a breath of fresh air.

I don't know if there are Bigfoots, er, Bigfeet running around there. I do know that two hipsters headed out into the remote woods of the Pacific Northwest with only the thin vinyl of a pop-tent to protect them is a pretty scary proposition. With or without giant bipeds running around.

Verdant Dude Rating: 3.5 out of 5 pumpkin ales

*There's a lesson in the importance of punctuation in there somewhere. Is the subtitle an homage to Pulp Fiction and Butch's famous line about the previous owner of the chopper? Or is it about Zed's dead child? I'd watch either film, frankly.

17 of 31: Shallow Ground (2004)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: Amazon Prime on Roku
Starring: No one I've ever heard of.

The opening sequence depicts a blood-soaked naked boy with a large knife walking through a forest with images of some kind of taxidermic (is that a word?) shit going on or something. That's some fucked up shit to be starting a movie with, if you ask me.

The boy wanders into a local sheriff's station in the middle of Nowhereville, USA. A town with a clearly Irish dude as the sheriff, because that happens. The station, along with the rest of the locals, are on their way onto greener pastures as some kind of local dam project has been completed. Maybe the valley will be flooded? I don't know. This movie doesn't lend itself to explanations very well. The kid then writes "NO ONE LEAVES" in blood on one of the doors. So that's not a good sign.

This kid is weird. And not just "wanders around naked covered in blood" weird. I'm talking weird. He can read minds, control the flow of his blood with his thoughts and he communes with spiders. I don't like this kid. And he could be the unseen killer who is stalking and killing folks in the nearby woods. Or maybe he isn't. That's just part of the confusing fun.

OK...time for me to fess up. I stopped watching this after about 25 minutes. My heart just wasn't in it tonight, kids. I may check back in sometime in the future, but I had to bail.

Sorry.

Verdant Dude Rating: I for Incomplete

16 of 31: The Cave (2005)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: Encore OnDemand
Starring: Cole Hauser, Lena Headley, Eddie Cibrian and a bunch of other folks.

I remember when this film came out and I openly mocked it on this very site. Actually, that post pre-dated the humble beginnings of this blog. It was on my buddy Slyde's blog. Whatever. Point is, I remember thinking that it looked like a great big pile of derivative crap. Something of a cross between Pitch Black, The Thing and Alien. And The Descent, of course. Even though Neil Marshall's excellent spelunking horror flick wasn't released theatrically here in the U.S. until after this film came out. The general feeling of the Internetz was that this borrowed heavily from that film.

Remember a while back this month when I mentioned that bad shit was always going down in the Balkans in horror flicks? Add the Carpathian Mountains to that list as well. Pretty sure there is a Black Metal band named after these mountains or the surrounding forest. Well this cave-dwelling film takes place in Romania, nestled snugly within the Carpathians. We've got a prologue that shows what appears to be a band of mercenaries thieves looking for something in a remote area of the mountains. They find the scariest old Christian church in the world. A place I would never walk into on my bravest day. Their leader is looking for a cave below the church, and they use explosives to try to get to it. Bitch move. The explosion causes an avalanche which buries the entire church with them trapped below in the cave. Trapped with some kind of growling beasties.

Skip ahead twenty years to the main action of the flick as a group of entrepid archeologist types discover the buried church and the cave system. As well as a massive underground river. So they need a team of spelunking cave divers to handle the exploration. After a brief explanation that the old church was built over the Knights Templar for God's protection over the winged evil demons below, the cave divers, well, dive right in.

There are few things I can think of that are more unpleasant to me as scuba diving through an underground cave system. Pretty much the combination of my worst two fears. Being trapped underwater and being trapped underground. If there were sharks involved, you could just stick an fork in me and call me Sally. But this is a horror flick, so the apex critter involved is much, much worse than a shark. Nope...not a naked mole rat. Worse. Okay, maybe not worse. Those fucking things are terrifying.

As I said, this film preys upon a few of my nastier fears. Throw parasites into that mix. Led to an enjoyable, scary if ultimately derivative experience for me. Certainly not a great film. Hell, it's probably not even a good film. But it picked at some of my more obvious scabs, and that's generally good enough for me.

Beware. Here there be dragons (not really).

Verdant Dude Rating: 2.5 out of 5 pumpkin ales

15 of 31: The Awakening (2011)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: Netflix on Roku
Starring: Rebecca Hall, Dominic West

Florence Cathcart (Hall) is a paranormal skeptic and hoax exposer working in England after World War I. The premise of the film is that there were so many deaths in England due to war and influenza, and ordinary people turned to the supernatural in order to communicate with their departed loved ones. Which led to a rise of greedy charlatans and hucksters, looking to profit off of their grief.

A headmaster (West) at a boy's boarding school comes to London to beg for her assistance with a ghost problem that they may or may not have at the school. The ghost of a murdered boy has been making the rounds, possibly even involved in the death of one of the headmaster's students. Using his Dominic West-ish charm, he convinces her to come for a visit to investigate.

The boarding school is one of those remote, atmospheric, very British places where ghosts roam. At least in horror films. It was formerly a large country estate of some pre-War family. I'd be very surprised if there weren't a bunch of ghosts roaming the halls of a spooky joint like that. Despite a night of freaky freakishness that would scare the piss out the staunchest of staunch folk, Florence quickly deduces that some of the boys have been playing pranks. And the boy who died was being punished by one of his teachers for insisting he saw the ghost. A punishment that left him outside in the elements and susceptible to an asthma attack.

Case closed. Or is it?

Of course it isn't closed. Wouldn't be much of a ghost film if that were the case, now would it? I'll refrain from adding anything specific regarding the last two acts of the film. If you are interested in a well-made, moody period piece of a ghost story then give it a try. Nothing over-the-top, but a decent little ghost story with some good scares.

Verdant Dude Rating: 3 out of 5 pumpkin ales

14 of 31: We Are What We Are (2013)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: Netflix on Roku
Starring: Michael Parks, Kelly McGillis, Ambyr Childers

People eating other people is a scary thing. Usually it's a one-off psycho kind of thing. But then there are the instances of head-hunting natives in the jungle, or pioneers trying to cross the Rockies, or some post-apocalyptic clan just fighting to stay alive. Fucking terrifying in every case. I can't think of anything worse than dying at the hands of some cannibal. Or sharks. Yeah...dying at the hands, er fins, er teeth of a shark would be horrible.

Somewhere in rural America, a woman dies suddenly while shopping for her family. Her autopsy reveals early signs of Parkinson's, or perhaps something else. Her husband is left to take care of their two daughters and son. We see almost immediately that he is a bit of a religious freak. And he appears to have kidnapped a woman and locked her in a room in the basement of his shed. I think I see where this is going. "All is forgiven in the eyes of the Lord." Yum, yum...eat 'em up!

The cannibalism that the family practices is of the ritualistic variety. Following an ancestor's diary that details the need for the family to resort to cannibalism to survive back in the pioneer days. What was good for Grandpa and Grandma, amirite? The youngest son seems oblivious, but the two teenaged daughters are thinking about a change in lifestyle. Dad's having none of that.

But he has to deal with effects of a powerful storm which has washed up some of the family's victims from a  burial site upstream. And a concerned medical examiner whose daughter disappeared mysteriously some time ago. And the local deputy sheriff who has eyes and other body parts for the eldest daughter of the cannibal clan. And the prying eyes and ears of the kind old lady (Kelly McGillis!!!) who lives next door. His family's secrets are on the brink of discovery by everyone around them.

I have to say that I was enjoying the movie all along. It was haunting, beautifully shot, tremendously acted and an incredible slow-burn of a horror story. But the last 10 minutes of the film got batshit crazy and made me fall in love with it. Holy crap! So insane! I did not see that coming.

Definitely check this one out and definitely stick with it until the ending. You won't be disappointed.

Verdant Dude Rating: 4.5 out of 5 pumpkin ales.

13 of 31: Hatchet III (2013)

A vain attempt by a formerly prolific blogger to review 31 new (to me) horror films in the 31 days of October. We did it last year and it was a gas. Can we do it once more? Let's find out.

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Platform: Netflix on Roku
Starring: Danielle Harris, Kane Hodder

I'm nearly embarrassed to admit this, but I've seen the first two Hatchet films and I really loved them. Guys, I've told you several times now how much I love good bad movies. And these Hatchet films are right up that particular disturbed alley. A fairly straight-forward, tongue-in-cheek ripoff of the Friday the 13th franchise, starring everyone's favorite Jason, Kane Hodder. He plays Victor Crowley, the bayou bogeyman with the titular (hehe) hatchet.

This film takes place immediately following the events of the second film. With Marybeth (Harris) blowing Victor Crowley's head off with a shotgun. AFTER she chops it all to hell with the titular (hehe) hatchet. That should be one dead bogeyman, if you ask me. I mean, not much left to the imagination there. Unless that entire ending was a dream or an alternate reality or something. I'm genuinely intrigued as to how they decided to engage a third film.

As it turns out, he survives that. Only to be punched through the shotgun hole in the brain and cut in half with a large chainsaw by our blood-soaked heroine. She then grabs his scalp and heads off to the local police station. As one does. But it doesn't matter. Missing a head, cut in half...that don't bother Victor Crowley none. He's going to come back and kill and kill and kill once more. Practice makes perfect.

I've got a soft spot in my heart for the Hatchet franchise. They are a none-too-sly wink and nod at all the ridiculous slasher franchises of my youth. Michael Myers, Jason, Freddie...all of them are ridiculous and all of them are incredibly fun. These films honor that heritage, and even add to it if you are so inclined to check your brain at the door. They are unabashedly gory, ridiculously plotted, over-the-top, but extremely faithful and loving to the genre that they represent. And all the incredible horror cameos! So much fun.

I hold Hatchet III and the entire franchise in the highest regard. Seriously.

Verdant Dude Rating: 3.5 out of 5 pumpkin ales.