Amityville MST3K

So last night we were watching Amityville II: The Possession on Monster HD. Don't judge us! Anyway, neither of us had seen it in over 20 years, and the decades haven't been good to this one. Let me tell you. Or have they?

Prior to the most drawn out demonic possession ever filmed (I'm only guessing here), there was a scene in the basement of the house that had us cracking up and making up our own dialogue. The eldest son is alone in the house and he had gone to the cellar to get a gun because he heard some noises that could have been an intruder.

All of a sudden he hears whispering voices from behind some hidden panel in the cellar. He yells out "Who's there? I can hear you!". That's the point when we started our own MST3K-ish dialogue, imagining what the mysterious voices in the cellar were really talking about:

Satan: You idiots! He can hear us.
Beelzebub: It wasn't me, it was Azazel!
Azazel: NOT! Satan, he's always blaming me!
Satan: Enough with the squabbling! I've had it with you two!
Mephistopheles: I WANT TO POSSESS HIS SOUL!!!
Satan: Shhh...inside voices, Mephistopheles. Inside voices.
Mephistopheles: I WANT TO POSSESS HIS SOUL!!!
Satan: (to himself) I can't believe I'm stuck in here with these guys.
Azazel: Satan! Beelzebub is touching me!
Satan: (slaps his forehead) Crap!

The movie just got better and better from there. Spousal abuse, child abuse, and incest. Yes...the creepiest incest scene ever filmed (I'm only guessing here). The brother visits his sister in her bedroom one night. He asks her to play the model/photographer game, and that's fine. I mean, who hasn't played that game with his sister every once in a while. But then he asks her to take off her nightgown. Her response? "OK, but only for a minute!"

You can imagine where the evening goes from there.



You're imagining it...aren't you? Sickos!

Lawn Guy-Land

This stupid thing goes around Long Island email in-boxes every few months or so. I've never seen a list quite as comprehensive as this one, though. So a few of you may get some of these, a few of you won't care, and a few of you will wonder where the Hell Long Island is anyway. It's the erect penis that sticks out of NYC, that's where it is bitches!!!

You know you are from Long Island when... (My comments look like this)

1. Flip-flops are normal, even in January. - Not in my neck of the island.
2. You know exactly what they mean when they say "Don't change at Jamaica."
3. You know that The Drift Inn and Neptunes are in the same building, but you also know that they are NOTHING alike. - I've been to Neptunes, but it was years ago. Who can remember this shit?
4. Screw the SAT, you know the exact pronunciation of Islip, Wantagh, Commack, Mattituck, Shinnecock, Quogue, Ronkonkoma, Hauppauge, Mineola, Islandia, Massapequa, and Patchogue. - We honor our Native American brothers and sisters by naming towns after them. As all good thieves should do.
5. You and your friends are going to the beach, but the word beach never comes up in the conversation. Instead, it sounds something like this..."Well, we could go to Jones, but Robert Moses is closer, the North Shore is too rocky...whatever lets go to the Hamptons". - Sorry...no one just decides to go to the Hamptons just to go to the beach. Fuck the Hamptons!
6. You have no idea what jimmies are, or why someone would want to put them on their ice cream. - No idea.
7. You have never used "wicked" as an adjective. - Not true. I call Red Sawx fans "wicked assholes" all the time.
8. You know that Americana Manhasset is NOT a type of coffee. - Huh?
9. You know that it's possible to take Jericho Turnpike all the way to Queens...but you would never EVER do it. - But I do take 25A all the way to Queens.
10. Parallel parking in your drivers ed class was pointless...you only had to do it next to one car.
11. You live in the shadow of the greatest city in the world, but you almost never go there. - So not true. Except if you are Slyde.
12. When you're away from Long Island, you love it and when you're home, you don't.
13. You think if you're not from Long Island or NYC, you're not really from New York. - Sadly, kinda true.
14. You know the exact point at which Queens turns into Nassau simply on intuition.
15. You don't go to Manhattan, you go to "The City."
16. You never realize you have an accent till you leave.
17. Everything north of the Bronx is "upstate."
18. At some point in your life you've gone clamming.
19. Either your parents or your grandparents lived in the city.
20. You'd pay $11.50 for a movie.
21. You don't live in Long Island. You live ON Long Island.
22. You know where the Commack Motor Inn is. - And it's world-famous Jungle Room. Rowr!
23. Your distant future might involve the state of Florida. - Please God, no!
24. You know the location of 6 malls and a dozen McDonald's and 36 7-11's.
25. You've tried to find the Amityville Horror house. - Hint: It doesn't really look like it does in the films.
26. No, you don't want mustard on that burger!! - Yes, I fucking do!!!
27. You can't understand why a diner would ever close. - Seriously!
28. You've had a seagull poop on your car. - All the fucking time.
29. You don't really see the big deal about the Hamptons, unless you got smashed at the Boardy Barn. - I may be the only LIer to have never gone to the Boardy Barn.
30. You know White Castle is terrible for you and it gives you a stomach ache, but you periodically "Get the Crave."
31. You want the Yankees to stay in the Bronx, but would probably go to more games if they moved to Manhattan. - Take the LIRR and walk to the Stadium? You fucking kidding me? Hell, yeah!!!
32. You think that somehow, the Jets and Giants still play in New York. - Um, no...I've taken that trip way too many times to ever confuse New Jersey with New York. C'mon...it's fucking New Jersey people!
33. You've missed that "Drunk Train," the 2:42 out of Penn, and had the dreaded wait until 5:30. - Been there, done that, bought that t-shirt.
34. You or someone you know has owned an animal that came from North Shore Animal League.
35. You've never taken an MTA bus. - We have buses?
36. The Long Island Expressway isn't really as bad as everybody thinks. - Yes it is.
37. You don't associate Fire Island with gay men. - Parts of it.
38. You know which parts of the Godfather were filmed on Long Island.
39. You've paid a $10 cover charge to get into a bar, but got nothing for it.
40. You miss whiffle ball and running through sprinklers.
41. Billy Joel said it best, "either you date a rich girl from the North Shore, or a cool girl from the South Shore." - I found a cool girl from the North Shore. Too bad she ain't rich.
42. You have or someone you know has fallen asleep on the LIRR and ended up in one of these three places; Babylon, Port Washington or Hicksville. - See #33 above.
43. You know that there is a big difference between any of the other Hamptons, and Hampton Hays. - All the Hamptons suck.
44. The Belt Parkway sucks!
45. You've been stuck in a traffic jam for more than 2 hours (without moving).
46. Your parents took you to All American, Nathans or Carvel (on the way home from the beach).
47. You don't have to go far to see your family.
48. You remember Grumman.
49. You know the color of the water at Jones Beach is not BLUE!
50. You were upset when all the Roy Rogers turned into Wendy's (and the only one that is left is at exit 58 off of Sunrise) and Arby's closed for good.
51. You can spout off all the LIRR stops between Penn Station and Ronkonkoma. - Penn Station and Huntington, yes.
52. Paying $35 for a haircut doesn't sound so crazy.
53. You think the people from Brooklyn are "da wunz dat tawk wit a accent." - Nah...we all do.
54. You went sledding in the sumps.
55. You knew of Massapequa before the Amy Fisher-Joey Buttafuoco nightmare.
56. You think going to Queens is a hike. - At times.
57. The first time you heard the term "Long Island Iced Tea" you were somewhere else and you laughed. - First one I had was in Saratoga while I was at college. Yeah, and I thought it was funny.
58. When you live somewhere else and are astounded to see that people actually stop at yellow lights.
59. Its rare to get really bad bagels or pizza on long island, almost as rare as it is to get good bagels and pizza anywhere else. - Well, NYC is still the King when it comes to pizza and bagels, but LI is a close second.
60. You can name at least three bands that came from Long Island. - Twisted Sister, Zebra, Eddie Money...so that's a yes.
61. You've partied in the woods at least once in your life.
62. You know what Pilgrim State and Sweet Hallow Road are...and you are NEVER going again. - Actually they are talking about Sweet HOLLOW Road and Mt. Misery, but I've been driving on that stretch of road for decades and I've never found it creepy. Kinda peaceful and serene, actually. Pilgrim State, however, is uber-creepy. I grew up a stone's throw away and it used to rise above the scenery like the Marsden House in 'salem's Lot. Now, you can barely see it from where I used to live.
63. You are never more then 20 minutes away from the water.
64. You have been to at least one concert at Jones Beach. - Many. Mostly Jimmy Buffett.
65. When you hear "the end", you think Montauk. Orient Point never crosses your mind.
66. Wandering around Fire Island trashed is an acceptable plan for any night.
67. Doing 90 over the Robert Moses bridge or on Ocean Parkway is perfectly fine.
68. When you say that you are going to "the outlets", Tanger is implied.
69. You have a friends who swears they saw Billy Joel somewhere in Oyster Bay. - Or Huntington, or Cold Spring Harbor, or wherever. Gia knows him a little. The last time she served him drinks he tipped her $1. Cheap bastard!
70. When people ask "where are you from?" you answer Long-Guy-Land and automatically assume everyone in the world knows what that answer means. - Actually, I always explain because I think most people are stupid.

The most important thing that is left off the list is that the only folk who can make fun of Long Island live in Manhattan. Fuck the rest of the boroughs, fuck the rest of the State. Fuck the rest of the country. And fuck everyone else.

Except you guys, of course.


Oh...I forgot one last item. You know you are from Long Island when you know at least one person who went to High School with Mariah Carey and/or her prostitute sister. I know 5 or 6 people who went to High School with Mariah. A few who even went to the party that she threw to pay for her prom dress. Yeah...you can all make fun of us for that one. Sigh.