Oct 19, 2007

Evil. Pure Evil!

For as long as I can remember, my sister has been trying to kill me. Maybe it wasn't exactly a conscious choice on her part, but she did her best. It probably started in the crib...oh wait, that's right. She's a year younger than me. So it should have been me trying to kill her in the crib. I never was taught the proper protocol regarding the killing of one's sibling. Sigh.

Back when I was four or so we were chasing each other around the outside of the house when she tripped me by the front steps of the house. I say "tripped", but it could easily have been sheer clumsiness on my part. For the sake of the "sister who wants to kill her brother" story let's just stick with "tripped". Anyhow, I fell onto the concrete steps of the front porch. Right on my teeth. Yeah...that had to hurt. I lost the front four teeth on my upper jaw that day and basically looked like this until my adult teeth grew in a few years afterwards. Thanks!

And that was just one incident. In High School she started break dancing! OK, that one did me no physical harm, but a large part of my soul died that day. There are others, but I was inspired to write this after reading Anna's tale of getting burned the other day. My tale, involving my sister of course, went a little like this:

It happened when I was around four. Again. I'm not sure if I was sporting the jack-o-lantern look yet, but it was around the same time period. We were roasting marshmallows while camping at a place called Timothy Lake in Maine (I think) when my sister decided that the best way to extinguish her burning marshmallow was to wave it around. You know, shaking it like a Polaroid picture.

This, of course, only fanned the flame and agitated the 'mallow until it flew off her stick and onto my bare arm where it attacked me like molten lava.

I ran around, waving my arm (further fanning the flames, I'm sure) until the nearest adult got there and, um, put me out I guess. I don't really remember the pain, but I do remember the bandaging and application of ointments for the next couple of months.

I was very young so I made a full recovery. Well, almost. If you look closely at my right arm you can still see some scar tissue, and I have noticeably fewer freckles on that arm. But I'm positive that this, along with the knocking out my teeth and break dancing, was just another incident in which she was planning my demise.

Sisters are evil.

I have four of them.

14 comments:

badgerdaddy said...

Did you know brother killing is fratricide? Sister killing is sorocide, and of course there's matricide and patricide as well. The Cide family.

badgerdaddy said...

Just realised that would have been far more amusing as the Tricide family, because then you would have Ma and Pa Tricide.

Slyde said...

Only child here, baby!

yeah, im spoiled!

Melanie said...

flaming marshmallows, its an obvious choice for extinguishing brothers. I popped my brother tooth off when I slammed the bottom of the bottle of pepsi he was drinking. who knew I was that strong.

be brave earl... you're good enough, you're smart enough, and dogonnit, people like you!

i am the diva said...

4 sisters??? daaaaaang. i feel for ya... that musta been a lot of estrogen to have to wade through.

i once pushed my little bro off the trampoline and caused 8 stitches over his left eye...

Kat said...

I can relate on sooo many levels.
My mother lost the same 4 teeth when she was 10 but they were already adults, from sliding across the newly waxen floors and straight into the bar on the oven. My brother once bit me on the arm so hard he broke skin and on another occasion hit me in the face with the middle seat belt in the car. But I got him back by accidentally wacking him in the face with a rake while burried in leaves. As for the burns...I've had many, but one of the worse ones is similar to yours in that I had piping hot lemon pie filling poured on my hand. And that shit don't come off until it's cooled itself to the skin. Maybe I should have did my own post, cause I think I've gone on enough now.

Kat said...

should have did more english too...

B.E. Earl said...

badger - yeah, the second one worked better. The comment section should have an edit button.

Slyde - Yeah, but you do have step-sisters. ;)

Mel - see...sisters are evil!

Diva - again...thanks for proving my point.

Kat - Me like yer English!

Madge said...

4 sisters!

...And yes, I'd appreciate any of your New York wisdoms on where to eat/drink/have fun (especially on the cheap). And too, where to avoid...

elizabeth said...

That's awesome. My brother gave me a bloody nose once... and he made real nooses... (sp?) and hung all of my stuffed animals from the rafters. He also chased me with a real sword and shot me with a paint pellet gun at close range. And I think during most of this... he was actually being nicer to me than usual.

B.E. Earl said...

Madge - just sent you a couple of emails. Have fun!

Liz - I like the hanging of the stuffed animals. I should've used that one!

ajooja said...

Four sisters? Yikes.

I had a melting plastic dinosaur flung on my arm once, so I know what you mean. I remember less about that than you, though.

elizabeth said...

You still could...

B.E. Earl said...

ajooja - yeah. I've had issues.

Liz - nah, they are way over the stuffed animal phase. But one of my sisters is crazy into Disney, so there may be something I can do.

Mwah-ha-ha-ha!!!