Nov 12, 2009

Mustard Sandwich

OK. This post is gonna require a bit of work on your part. Yeah, I've been taking it easy on you all these years. I do all the work and you got to sit back and enjoy the results. Well, not today my pretties.

I wanna relay something I overheard the other day.  By itself, it probably isn't very funny.  But if you can make yourself hear it the way I heard it, well...magic may occur.

I was at the local bagel shop the other day.  I'm there 3 or 4 times a week to pick up some bagels, cream cheese and coffee for Gia and I in the mornings.  The counter is usually manned by an assortment of college or high-school aged kids depending on the day of the week.  But the joint is owned by a guy who spends most of his time in the back, making the bagels.

This guy looks like a cross between a close friend of mine and Harvey Fierstein.  But VERY MUCH like Harvey Fierstein.  Very New York, very Jewish...not so much with the gay thing, but other than that he IS Harvey Fierstein.  And the kicker is that he sounds EXACTLY like Harvey Fierstein.  Once again, not so much with the gay thing, but... 

Now for this little exercise to work you are going to need to have Harvey Fierstein's voice in your head.  It may be unpleasant for you for a short period of time, but I know you kids are tough enough to endure.

So listen to Harvey's voice on this video below, and listen to the message while you are at it. 



OK, got it? That's pretty much what this guy looks like and it almost exactly what he sounds like. Just a great, raspy, Jewish, Brooklyn accent on a dumpy, grey-haired guy. Now use that voice in your head while reading the following conversation between this guy (let's call him Harvey) and one of the kids working for him:

Harvey: What are you doing over there?
Kid: I'm making myself a sandwich for later on.
Harvey: What are you putting on it?
Kid: Just some ham and cheese, why?
Harvey: You are putting mustard on that?  Why?  You're gonna ruin the sandwich!
Kid: I like mustard.
Harvey: When you put mustard on a sandwich all you taste is the mustard.  Try a schmear of mayo, maybe.  That's what I like.  But it really doesn't need anything at all.  You are absolutely killing that sandwich!
Kid (smiling now): But I really, really like mustard.
Harvey: Well then, you go ahead and you enjoy your mustard sandwich!

And then he stormed off to the back room.

If I had seen that played out on the big screen I would have been cracking up!  As it was, I had a hard time controlling the giggles until I got back to the car.  Especially when I caught the eye of the kid he was yelling at after he stormed off.  I think he and I were the only ones to hear the exchange because everybody else was in the middle of doing something or other.  I'm sure the kid had fun with it later on with his friends.

Man, I love my local bagel shop!

_______________________________________________________

Note: Remember to play the Bug-Eyed Trivia Challenge every day. Just a schmear of mayo.

19 comments:

Steph said...

That one had me running for the loo, my friend. Funny!

Now I'm craving a mustard and bologna sandwich...

Jimmy Bastard said...

I wonder what he would have made of my chicken, peanut butter and sugar concoction I had last night.

Alcohol can be a terrible thing.

He was right about the mustard though.

The Peach Tart said...

Bagelman was being a hater

B.E. Earl said...

Steph - "Running for the loo"! Nice!

Jimmy - Wow, was that all on a sandwich? Sugar too?

Tart - I love me some mustard, but he was probably right.

downtown guy said...

I'm a Harvey Fierstein fan. Torch Song Trilogy is an underrated classic.

white rabbit said...

When I was a boy, I used to love HP Sauce sandwiches. Nothing else - just HP Sauce...

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I woulda said: "OY VEY, don't be such a yenta and the boy enjoy his mustard sangwich."


ps-I LOVED the movie Milk.

savannah said...

oh.my.gawd!

now that was hilarious! i could see the exchange and hear it, sugar! damn, i miss that kinda of stuff, southerners are just too damn polite! ;~D xoxoxo

i am the diva said...

You enjoy your mustard sandwhich...

giggle...

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

I am currently putting Jack Daniel's, old number 7 mustard on my sammich. I love mustard and it's many varieties.

I could do a whole section on my blog, like your beer blog, about mustard.

but yeah, there use to be a chinese place I would go to where the woman would absolutely rip her husband a new, yelping in chinese, every time I was there. He would yelp back though. LOUD Chinese arguments.

Alas, they must have sold the shop because now's it's an adult's only store. Sad really

;)

B.E. Earl said...

Hank - I dig him too. I saw him in the theater district of NY a few years ago making out with his boyfriend in an alley. :)

Wabbit - We had A1 instead of HP, but I hear ya. I would've been into that.

Candy - that would have been good.

Savannah - yeah, you needed to hear it play out in your head for it to be funny.

Diva - ;)

Holly - There was this one brand of mustard that I tried years ago and loved, but I can't remember what it was. Argh!

Ren said...

Mustard good. Discrimination bad.

Water Logged Jerky said...

I put mustid on it and eat da fuckin' shit....I'm silly.

B.E. Earl said...

Ren - Especially against a condiment!

Doggie - Ah...the early 90's were a fun time, weren't they?

hello haha narf said...

that is hilarious. and yet pisses me off at the same time.

see, i abso fucking lutgely HATE when someone insists another adult eat food in a particular way. one can make a suggestion, but to give another shit about their tastes is just wrong. once at a big official work dinner at a fancy schmancy steak house the guy next to me ordered chicken. he was in the mood for chicken. the table erupted with bullshit, harassing the man so much that he changed his order to a filet. oh how i wanted a filet, but instead i smiled and loudly said, "i'll have the chicken, regardless of what these fuckers have to say about it."

when my chicken arrived a took a big old happy bite, turned to the guy next to me and asked if he wanted to switch. happily he agreed.

and yes, we landed the account.

now i am off to put mustard on some pretzels because i am not hungry for a sammich.

xoxo

kiki said...

must is awesome!
especially english / european mustards.
maybe some fruit chutney!!
fuck i'm hungry
lunch time!

B.E. Earl said...

Becky - Ain't nobody gonna make me change the way I wanna make my sandwich. Nobody. Not even Harvey Fierstein! ;)

Kiki- Lunchtime? You realize it's late at night right? Oh that's right, you is on the opposite and posterior part of da woild! :)

hello haha narf said...

for lunch just now i ate an italian hoagie, complete with italian dressing. and mustard. just because i fucking can. take that, harvey!

(how about you, impacting my daily life?!??!?!)

B.E. Earl said...

Becky - That's awesome! But Italian dressing AND mustard? Hmmm...gonna have to try that sometime. Hope you enjoyed your mustahd sammich!! ;)