Platform: Showtime Anytime on Roku
Starring: No one of consequence.
So...here we are again. Just you and me and my underpants. Well, maybe you aren't aware of my underpants. But I assure you...they are there. Or maybe they aren't. Intrigued, right? But let's not get caught up in whether or not I'm wearing said underpants. It's October, and that means that one thing and only that one thing matters. And it's not underpants. You know what? I don't even say underpants in real life. I definitely say underwear. Or boxers. Or boxer briefs. Or anything BUT underpants. Why the hell am I typing underpants over and over and over again? I can't begin to fathom it.
What was I saying? Oh yes...October, and the one thing that matters. Pumpkin Ale. No, wait a minute. That's not it. Flannel shirts? Nope. Black cats? Well...they ALWAYS matter. Ah yes, horror films. And this is the first offering in what hopes to be 31 days of extreme mediocrity. When it comes to reviewing mediocre horror films, that is. I'm hoping to find 4 or 5 diamonds in the rough, mind you. But one never knows. Do one?
I've got a penchant lately for apocalyptic horror. I've been reading plague and zombie apocalypse novel one after the other. I tell myself that I'm trying to get ready for the inevitable purge, but I think I just dream of a world in which 99% of the people I know die miserably. Wait...did I just admit that to the world? Fuck it...but, of course, I hope YOU are part of the 1% that lives. I'm jake like that. Me and YOU alive, and everyone else dead. As Louis sang, ah yes...what a wonderful world.
I'm five minutes in to the film and I'm already giddy that our hero has stumbled into a farmhouse after some bio-tragedy has been unleashed against humanity. And he finds a TV set with rabbit ears that he spends a half minute playing with...to watch what is ABSOLUTELY a CNN-ish cable news program. It's both brilliant and ridiculous. I applaud everything about it. Gimme more anachronistic silliness. Maybe use a CB radio to dial in Pandora or Spotify or something. I want it all.
I kid because I love. What follows is actually a pretty decent low-budget version of 28 Days Later. Crazy bio-plague turns normally fun-loving humans into flesh-eating monsters. You know the drill. The acting isn't quite first-rate, but it's a low-budget horror film. In fact, the second male lead might be one of the worst actors I've ever seen. I guess you get what you pay for. In this case...crap acting. What ya gonna do?
The survivors actually find a pretty solid place to hold up against the inevitable zombie apocalypse. An old tobacco warehouse with strong loading bay doors and no windows. Wish I had one of those in my backyard. As it is, I've just got a shed (not even ours) and too many cats. So I'm fucked. But these guys could hold up for weeks, as long as the water and electricity keep running. Never a given.
I'm not saying I'm not recommending this fairly standard, harmless horror flick. But I'm not NOT saying it, if you know what I mean. Watch it if it's on and you got nothing else happening in your life. But don't go actively seeking it out. And my God...I hope you have something else happening in your life. Because it would be pathetic if this was the only thing.
I'm sorry for your pathetic life. Really I am.
Verdant Dude Rating: 1.75 out of 5 pumpkin ales