Stand up, sit down, wipe wipe wipe!!!

Don't know why I remembered this the other day, but it sure made me laugh when I did. It's a college story, so college humor is involved. College humor is often disgusting, so if you would like to ignore the rest of this post I will understand.

Okay?

Here we go. My senior year, I lived in a townhouse with six other guys. We weren't the rowdiest bunch. We weren't the most disgusting bunch. But any time you get seven guys living together in a house, shit is gonna happen.

This one time, two of my housemates were fighting about something stupid. Had to do with something in the kitchen, but it actually got physical. Punches were thrown, somebody got tackled into a wall, and they finally wound up busting through the bathroom door. Where I had been taking a shit.

Not much happened after that. The fight got broken up somehow and everybody kinda forgot about it. Until later that week.

I was telling the story to a friend while we were out drinking, and I got up to the part where they busted through the bathroom door and interrupted my private moment.

Me: "So, I'm standing there, you know, wiping my ass, when..."
Friend: "Wait a minute! You stand up when you wipe your ass?"
Me: "Um, yeah. Why? How do you wipe your ass?"
Friend: "I sit and lean to one side while I wipe. You stand up? Who the fuck stands up?"
Me: "I stand up. How the hell do you take care of business by sitting and leaning to one side? There's no way that you can clean the works that way."
Friend: "Hang on. We gotta ask some people. I'm gonna prove you're a freak!"

Guess how we spent the rest of the night? That's right. Asking everyone we knew and just about anyone else if they stand or sit when they wipe. I wonder if any of the ladies we asked thought it was a pick-up line? "Hey, ladies! Let me ask you a question. After a big crap, do you wipe your ass while sitting on the toilet or do you stand up to take care of business? Correct answer gets you a kamikaze shot!"

I didn't get laid a lot in college, if you were wondering.

Turned out to be about a 50-50 split. I guess it's all based upon how you were initially taught when potty training. But until that time, I had never really thought about it. I had never witnessed anyone else wiping their ass so I assumed that everyone wiped the way I wiped. Same thing with my friend. We just couldn't conceive that there was more than one way to wipe an ass.

On a related note, last year I hurt my right thumb while playing a game of video golf. Don't ask. Whenever I had to do anything with my right hand other than point, I experienced a great deal of pain. Wiping my ass was one of these painful activities. So I tried using my left hand. Gotta tell you, I have never felt like more of a retard than when I was trying to wipe my ass with my left hand. I just couldn't get it done. So I sucked it up and dealt with the pain. I guess, for me, there isn't more than one way to wipe an ass.

Whaddya think? Too much information?


PS - Gonna keep reminding you about MovieGrendade! It's what I do.