Apr 15, 2011

Asshole Cat

A lot of times when folks complain about their kids or just mention a problem that they are having with one of them, I reply with "that's why I have cats."

Well let me tell you about one of my asshole cats.  Avery, or Bootsy Collins as he is referred to in some circles.  You may have heard me talking about him on our radio show (you haven't?  Well, listen in here). Here's the little fucker:

Notice the eye boogies
Bootsy is a bit of a prick. He's a Ragamuffin by breed, and those mother-fuckers are supposed to be social, cuddly and loving.  But the best word to describe Bootsy is "aloof".  Sure, he gets all cute and warm twice a day.  Right before it's time to eat.  The rest of the day?  He doesn't want anything to do with us.  Unless we are using a laser pointer to drive him nuts.  He likes us then.

How is he an asshole?  Let me count the ways:

1. Every morning he wakes us up earlier than we would like to feed him.  How does he do that?  Well, he first jumps up on the bed and tries meowing us to death.  After we ignore that for a while, he decides to start knocking things off the side table.  Gia's glasses? On the floor.  Cellphones?  On the floor.  Full glass of water?  That he tries to aim at one of our heads.  If that doesn't work, then he jumps up on the window sill and messes with the metal blinds, making a racket.  Yeah...he's a piece of work.  His reward for all this is a glorious plate full of delicious tuna or salmon or whatever it is that comes out of the can.  Yeah...we suck.

2. We have about a hundred cat toys strewn throughout our home.  Little fake mice, felt things with bells in them, plastic doo-dads.  Stuff like that.  But none of them are to be found because Bootsy, more so than any of the other cats, likes to knock them underneath the refrigerator or the 1,000 pound dresser or the TV stand.  Wherever it is hardest for us humans to help them retrieve them.  So every night now, after he eats dinner, Bootsy walks around meowing for cat toys.  And then he walks up and bites my feet.  Not hard, just enough to get my attention.  Gia thinks it's hilarious, because he only does it to me.  Seven out of ten times it works too.  Yeah...we suck.

3. Then yesterday he really needed our help.  I saw him come out of the laundry room where we keep the litter boxes.  And he was doing a squiggee kind of walk, so I knew something was up.  Yup...little fucker shit himself all over the place.  I managed to grab him before he turned that squiggee walk into a squiggee shuffle all over the carpet in an attempt to dislodge the, uh, crap.  He was a mess.  So I yelled for Gia and with the help of some paper towels, water and a pair of scissors we were finally able to get him clean.  We both threw up a little in our mouths, but we got the job done.

OK, that last one wasn't really his fault.  But when you add up the rest of his behavior, it just leaves a bad taste in your mouth.  Or odor in your nose. Ugh...that was so friggin' awful.  He's such an asshole.

PS - We really do love our Bootsy.  For now...

13 comments:

SK Waller said...

Oh, but he has such sad, soulful eyes. Almost human.

Water Logged Canine said...

That's why I have kids.

Slyde said...

he has cold, lifeless, eyes...

like a doll's eyes....

Annabelle said...

I will never understand people who say cats jane no personalities. Fools.

We have a beloved Asshole Kitty too

sybil law said...

Well he's definitely got you trained! Sounds like a smart asshole cat to me! :)
Also, my cats do the same things. Our mouse toys end up under the stove, though. One manages to find twist ties. Where do all these twist ties come from? We'll never know.
Also, one plays with the curtains, which is hysterical to watch, but now we ripped curtains everywhere.
I loves me a water bottle with good spray.

Suzi Q said...

I feel the same way about my Shelby, everyday she rearranges the contents of the recycling bin all over the living room floor. Everyday I clean it up and continue to leave her out of the crate. I walk in the door and she comes to me wagging her tail proud of her "artwork". If she wasn't so friggin' cute she would have been gone long ago.

B.E. Earl said...

SK - That's his evil charm. He sucks you in with those eyes. And the picture doesn't do them justice. They are this crazy golden brown color.

Doggie - There it is!

Slyde - I don't know if my favorite quote about lifeless eyes comes from Jaws or Halloween. They are both so...perfect.

Annabelle - We have four cats and they couldn't be more different from one another personality-wise.

Sybil - We have a cat who is obsessed with Q-Tips. We thought she was digging used (ugh) ones out of the trash, but I saw her sneak into the bathroom, jump up on the shelves and take one (just one!) out of the container. Amazing. And our boy Wolowitz is a curtain climber too.

Suzi Q - I love it when they are proud of their "work". Gia's folks had an outside cat who was an absolute killer. All the birds, mice and chipmunks (aw) in the neighborhood feared her. Whenever she made a kill, she would leave it in the mddle of the living room. "Here...look what I did for you"

Avitable said...

He must have learned that behavior from someone . . .

Water Logged Canine said...

That Yak-Face is definitely the Q-Tip killa. Am i right?

B.E. Earl said...

Adam - Sho' nuff. Clearly it was Gia. ;)

Doggie - You know how Gogo rolls. What she lacks in youth, she makes up for in madness. (Or something like that).

Lotus07 said...

Multiply this by five and you have our house. My wife LOVES her some cats...and we have a heard. Most are nice, but she has pure bred that is as dumb as a rock and a stray that we adopted that I swear is the clone of "Stewie" on family guy....she is forever plotting ways to dispose of us and work the can opener on her own.

On an unrelated note, I actually DID listen to the last episode of 'Talkin to the Cornfield' Well, sort of, it was on in the background in my office while I was doing various things at work. An hour and a half of baseball talk is a lot of consume, espeically if I am not a huge baseball fan, but it was funny hearing the Colenol talk about jerking off in the beginning.....that how you get listeners, right there!

B.E. Earl said...

Bruce - Yeah, the show is long and definitely not for everyone, but thanks for listening in.

Beach Bum said...

Every morning he wakes us up earlier than we would like to feed him.

I work third shift and Spock the Cat here at house does the same things always around 3:00pm, so much that I have to put my eye glasses in my nightstand drawer to prevent him from not only knocking them off but pushing them under the bed with his paws.