10 Embarrasssing Moments

Stolen from Slyde, because that's how I roll. I don't know if I can actually rank embarrassing moments. There is no such thing as a Fujita scale for measuring the intensity of my tornadic embarrassment. Something is either embarrassing or it isn't. So here goes:

1. After receiving a new laptop at work, I immediately wanted to check out the keyboard action. So I called up MS Word and started typing just random gobbledygook. I briefly mentioned how much I enjoyed one of my fellow co-workers tits somewhere in there. (Before you ask...no I didn't work with Salma Hayek. But if wishes were fishes...) Then I started working. A few hours later another co-worker came to me with a question on how to do something in Word. I told him, but he wasn't getting it. So I had him sit down at my laptop to do it. He went to Word and saw my paragraph or so of nonsense and turned around with a big shit-eating grin. "Um, dude...you might wanna erase that before someone else sees it." Crap!

2. In a drunken bout of self-expression, I did a pose-down of Playboy centerfold models while fully dressed in a suit at a very-crowded bar. I didn't remember it until the next day when someone mentioned it. Crap!

3. I peed in the corner of a hotel room. I was reasonably aware that I had done it immediately afterwards, but I held on to some hope that it was all just a bad dream. When I awoke the next morning I convinced myself that it was. Too bad that I left behind a witness. And all this occurred while my little sister slept in the living room next door. Crap!

4. I once went into one of those peep show places in Times Square. Back when there were peep shows in Times Square. I had never been in one before and I haven't been to one since. I didn't really understand what you were supposed to do. But I paid my $20, or whatever it was, and I was told to pick a girl out of the lineup. There were about 8 girls working that night, so I picked the least nasty-looking out of them. I had 5 minutes in the booth with her. So I go into something that looks like a confessional booth (wonderful for my latent Catholic guilt), and she goes into the booth next to me. The panel slid away and there she was behind the glass. She started taking off her clothes and posing for me. At this point, for some reason, I didn't think she could see me. So I'm a little shocked when she said "What's the matter baby? You don't like what you see? Why don't you take it out and show it to me?" Huh, what? Is that what you are supposed to do in these places? Not for me, thank you very much. I ain't jacking it in front of a total stranger. Especially a total stranger WHO CAN SEE ME!!! And I told her just that. And then I asked her to turn around so I could high-tailed it outta there. Now I now I didn't actually do anything there that was embarrassing, except for BEING embarrassed, but I find it very embarrassing anyway. I'm shaking my head at myself even now as I write this. Crap!

5. I once farted horrendously...it was both loud and awful-smelling...at work one Saturday afternoon. I thought I was in the office alone at the time. I actually got up out of my chair and walked out of the office to let 'er rip in the hallway. There were cubicles, empty I thought, right next to my office and I didn't check to see if anyone was there. I just let it go. A minute or so later, with the stench of my work still stale in the air, I see two of the women I worked with run past my office laughing so hard they were crying. Or maybe they were crying because of the smell. I dunno. Crap!

6. I had a terrible habit in college of drinking to the point where I blacked out. And then I would start drinking even faster. And I almost always puked at some point. Sometimes in very public and awful places. I woke up one morning feeling semi-alive after a night of legendary drinking. My roommate was already up doing some work at his desk. He asked how I was feeling. I said okay. Then I looked around the room and noticed that two posters were missing on either side of our doorway. I asked what happened to them. He turned around and couldn't believe I didn't remember. He said I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't figure out how to get out of the room to get to the shared bathroom down the hall. So I just started puking. Everywhere. I tagged both posters and a pair of his shoes. I felt horrible. That's when he told me to look in my laundry basket. Crap!

7. I've already told you about the time that I told Sarah Jessica Parker that I loved her. Haven't I? This one isn't so embarrassing, I mean is it? I mean, it's more like a cute story that you tell people so that they can laugh along WITH you, not laugh AT you. Right? She was/is a big star and I was pretty drunk at the time. I was also still riding the celebrity high from having met Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft earlier in the evening. That has to count for something. Right? I mean I could have told her that I hated her guts or something. That would have been more embarrassing. Right? No? Crap!

8. Since one particularly harrowing incident (dangerous, not embarrassing) in college, I've only had a handful of experiences where I've blacked out. One of them occurred during my first trip to New Orleans. I drank myself silly the first day there, and the last thing I remember was being so drunk that I lost the ability to speak at a bar on the other end of the French Quarter from where we were staying. So I just left. Without saying a word. The next day I woke up feeling okay, but with a throbbing pain in my ankle. I looked down and saw that my right ankle was about the size of a football. Then I saw my clothes sitting in a heap next to the bed. Tan pants and a yellow button-down shirt. And it looked like a truck ran over them. Several times. I pieced together that I fell down on the cobble-stoned streets at some point, seriously spraining my ankle. I somehow dragged myself back to the hotel and made it safely back to my bed. I must have been a sight walking through the lobby that particular night. Crap!

Phew! Only two more to go!

9. In the sixth grade I knew nothing about weed. I don't know much more today, but I was especially ignorant back then. So a couple of kids were talking about getting high one day, and I thought I would join in. So I listened for a while and then I asked where one would buy a pack of pot. You see, I thought pot came pre-packaged in rolled-up joint form. And you could buy it in a pack. Like cigarettes. I sure made the stoners laugh that day, and they didn't forget it very quickly either. For the rest of the year whenever one of them saw me they would laugh out loud and exclaim "pack of pot!!!" loudly while pointing at me. Crap!

10. I once had crime scene sex while spending the night over at a friend's house after a massive party. The woman I was with at the time (I hesitate to actually call her a girlfriend) was extremely drunk and extremely horny at the end of the night. So drunk that she didn't realize that she just got her monthly visit from Aunt Flo. Not until after she climbed on for two minutes of ecstasy. It looked like we slaughtered a lamb in that bed in the guest room. Expensive sheets too. Crap!