Dec 3, 2008

Candle porn

So you are home, right? Just kickin' it. Having a glass of wine. Maybe reading a good book. You light a candle to get some ambiance. Maybe a scented candle. Something that smells nice. Yeah...that's it. Nothing wrong about this situation.

Imagine your absolute horror when you turn to blow out the candle, and you see that it has formed some kind of vestigial penis in the previous 45 minutes.


For those of you who want a closer look, here you go. Sickos!



___________________________________________________

Note: Remember to play the Bug-Eyed Trivia Challenge every day. All the sick fucks are doing it.

41 comments:

Steph said...

You can sell it on Ebay and make a small fortune.

B.E. Earl said...

Steph - I'm sure there's a somebody, ahem, out there who would want such a thing.

Holly Hall said...

Alright dude.

look.

I more then welcome a chance to hear your cat stories. Or the lazyblogapoloza stuff.

But if you took the time to photograph and document your candle wax bitness, then for the love of God, mine your archives and publish something else. Or, post a video of a beloved song or movie clip.

Or, get your butt in gear and do the posts on Sid and Nancy and whatever else you wanted to speak about during the punk week that never was.

tough love here Earl.

but I tough, cause I love.

Mrs. Hall

B.E. Earl said...

Steph - Wait a minute! What are you doing up? You were supposed to be in bed early every night this week, young lady!

Holly - You're not the boss of me! Just for that, tomorrow you get candle vaginas and boobies. Ha! Think you can tell me what to do...

Holly Hall said...

Don't make me bust out my spankin' hand!

bobgirrl said...

"We skipped the light fandango
Turned cartwheels cross the floor
I was feeling kinda seasick
But the crowd called out for more
The room was humming harder
As the ceiling flew away
When we called out for another drink
The waiter brought a tray

And so it was that later
As the miller told his tale
That her face, at first just ghostly,
Turned a whiter shade of pale
She said, there is no reason
And the truth is plain to see.
But I wandered through my playing cards
And would not let her be
One of sixteen vestal virgins
Who were leaving for the coast
And although my eyes were open
They might have just as wellve been closed
She said, Im home on shore leave,
Though in truth we were at sea
So I took her by the looking glass
And forced her to agree
Saying, you must be the mermaid
Who took neptune for a ride.
But she smiled at me so sadly
That my anger straightway died

If music be the food of love
Then laughter is its queen
And likewise if behind is in front
Then dirt in truth is clean
My mouth by then like cardboard
Seemed to slip straight through my head
So we crash-dived straightway quickly
And attacked the ocean bed"

Oh jesus, I thought you said "vestal."

NEVERMIND.

bobgirrl said...

WAIT!

Vestal penis: is that an oxymoron???

B.E. Earl said...

Holly - Lalalala ::not talking to you::: lalalalala!

1girrl - See...you totally get it! I was looking for a bit of Procol Harum. Well done.

Steph said...

I'm going to bed now, Dad!

Mik said...

So when you re-light it, it will grow a larger appendage. And yes, unfortunately there is someone out there who will want it!

Hilly said...

You'd probably totally maybe be able to make bank by auctioning that.

Ahem.

Meanwhile, why don't *my* candles ever give me the gift of porn?

Aunt Robin said...

It's flaccid for god's sake. Get over it.

jiggs said...

I know all too well what it's like to have a vestigial penis.

Dr Zibbs said...

Make sure to buy your candles from non gay merchants

Avitable said...

Candles with penises have rights, too!

Today's trivia? Fucking impossible!

B.E. Earl said...

Steph - I don't wanna hear you complaining about how tired you are today! ;)

Mik - re-light it? I ain't going anywhere near it!

Hilly - you REALLY gotta want it.

Robin - and uncircumcised, apparently.

Jiggs - there it is! ;)

Zibbs - there are straight candle stores?

Avitable - tell me about it. You got 3X as many right as I did!

Heff said...

For the Love of God, Yes ! Sell it on ebay !!! That beats the Hell out of "Mary Toast" !!!

Michelle J said...

My god dude, is this what you are resorting to for blog posts???? I bet you blew out the candle, saw a tiny bit of candle that could have possibly looked like a vestigial penis and with your bare hands, molded that thing until you got it to look like said above vestigial penis and then snapped two photos and banged out this sad blog post right??? Is that the way it happened????

Still waiting......

Tick tock, tick tock!!!

Kiefer and Emo said...

Candle porn. Instant traffic!

B.E. Earl said...

Heff - I dunno. Mary Toast is pretty sweet! Especially with some cream cheese.

Michelle - What the hell is with all the hate? Do I bust on your blog posts? WTF! That's it! You and Holly Hall. Not talking to either of you for the rest of the day. (And, no. The vestigial candle penis formed naturally. I'm not into wax penis art, thank you very much!...Sheesh)

B.E. Earl said...

Kiefer&Emo - That's what I thought. Apparently some people think it's a "lame post" or something. Like anything I do here isn't lame!

Faiqa said...

Did I miss the announcement that it's soft pseudo-porn week at Earl's? And, hey, how about a quiz or two on something IMPORTANT, like history, math, politics, etc? I'm sick of the daily humiliation.

B.E. Earl said...

Faiqa - I've just changed Sunday's quiz to "History 3: Difficult", and you can always suggest a specific topic for next Wednesday's Custom Quiz. And hey...you did better than I did today!

Slyde said...

Ok, so tell me honestly...

How long did you spend re-heating and molding that wax to finally get the penis shape to your liking?

B.E. Earl said...

Slyde - did you even read Michelle's comment or my nasty response? Of course not. That's an all-natural formation right there, bro.

Avitable said...

History Difficult is the next topic? I'm fucked. Unless I get lucky with my guessing again.

B.E. Earl said...

Adam - No, Movies is the next topic. History will come around every week on Sundays. I'm still playing with the format. Haven't settled into exactly what topics I want to see each week. I do know that I want Movie Trivia twice a week and Music Triva once.

Jennifer and Sandi said...

I'm still speechless at the fact that people are really UP at 2:00AM


HAPPY HUMP DAY!

Off to Trivia
- Jennifer

teeni said...

Ah - LOL. I was so afraid to click on this when I saw the post title. Too funny! Now you just need a "female" candle so you have a matching set!

B.E. Earl said...

Jenn - it's a difficult one today!

Teeni - You should never be afraid to click on one of my posts. Check that. Always be afraid.

Michelle J said...

Ok dude, i still love you, no matter how lame your posts are!!

They still make me laugh! Not sure why, but they do so keep on doing your lame posts!!

The lamer the better!!! :O)

water Logged Canine said...

Fake pussy post, followed up by a fake penis post. Keep it real Earl...keep it real.

As for the folks bad mouthin' my man's choice in posts, this has garnered more effin' harumphs than we've seen in days. People are talkin', and in my day that used to mean something!

I said it!

B.E. Earl said...

Michelle - Thanks, um, I think. Wait...did you just call me lame again? WTF?

WLC - so you want to see real pictures of penisi? That, my friend, might be another blog all together. ;)

Bruce said...

I don't know about you, but my candles grow boobs.......

(maybe the candle thinks you are gay?)

B.E. Earl said...

Bruce - I am very jealous of your candles. Mine suck.

pure evyl said...

It's a porn candle. Otherwise it would have pubes.

Caz said...

waa haa haa that is FANTASTIC!!!!

Always Home and Uncool said...

our candles just wilt over in flaccid phalic poses.

B.E. Earl said...

Evyl - Did you mean kiddie porn? Eww.

Caz - Heya! I thought so too!

Uncool - They just need to try a little harder.

Poppy said...

dirty. *giggle*

(Wow, 39 comments already?!)

B.E. Earl said...

Poppy - yeah, but around a dozen of them were mine. Still...bunch of perverts!