Day 1: Wishcraft (2002)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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I picked this one out totally at random, having never heard of it before. It was sitting there at the end of the horror/sci-fi section on HBO Go, just waiting to suck. Like the Family Circus, I'm uncontrollable drawn to it. 

So this one starts out with a semi-unpopular high school dork tutoring the school's alpha cheerleader. You can immediately tell he's an unpopular dork because he drives a scooter and, well...he's a tutor. And he's not a football player or a cheerleader. Duh. 

Quick aside: The kid's mother was played by Allyce Beasley, and seeing her made me immediately think of this scene from Cheers when she played Coach's daughter. One of the most truly touching scenes ever filmed for a television series. And my Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. Onward...

Honestly, our genteel dork's high school days don't seem that bad. But I'm guessing that his anonymous mouser days are just about over as he receives a mysterious package in the mail. A wrapped box containing a totem and a note stating that said totem will grant him three wishes. And that he should be careful what he wishes for. Yeah, I'm ending that last sentence with a preposition because that's what the note said. Deal. 

The totem looks like some kind of raw meat wrapped in leather or skin. It's kinda gross, so he promptly throws it out. Then he promptly fishes it out at the urging of his un-cool friend and immediately throws caution to the wind by making a wish. That the popular cheerleader he was tutoring would go with him to the Spring Dance. And that wish becomes reality in the very next scene when she asks him out. Man...this flick is not wasting any time!

So the dork and his un-cool friend realize the totem works and they take it to the local antiques guy who tells them that it's a bull's dick. A BULL'S DICK! Man, if I had known that I could make three wishes every time I held a bull's dick in my hands...

Ahem, wishes come true and popular kids start dying. That's the way we all knew it was gonna go, right? Cheerleader goes with dork to a dance, and a corpse in a long leather jacket stabs a Jimbo* with a samurai sword. Which is weird, because katana's are more for slicing than stabbing. It's the details, people. I'll not go into the blood and guts of the rest of the killings. Because that would be bad form. Not like anyone reading this is ever going to see this crap. But bad form is bad form, so we move on.

*jim·bo - a stout, immature high-school football player who seems more fat and out-of-shape than athletic yet can still attract the insanely hot, cool cheerleader-type. Jimbos usually die quickly in horror films in either comic or disgusting ways. Jimbos are stupid. Jimbos usually come from Kenosha, Wisconsin.

And none of that matters anyway. Because the town's lead detective is played by Meat Loaf! And his name is Sparky! Detective Sparky Shaw! Brilliant! In a perfect world, every town would have a cop named Sparky. And every Sparky would look like Meat Loaf.

Back to the film, our hero realizes that using two wishes to get the hottest girl in school is vaguely rape-y. Well, nothing too vague about it really. He tells her what he did, and she reacts appropriately. Like she was raped. Meanwhile, our corpse anti-hero kills several more football players. Man, that team is gonna be awful this year!

The story takes an absurd, yet nearly original turn at that point. Has the dork/rapist's wishes led to the deaths of all those popular kids? Did he ever use that third wish? Did the football team manage to win even one game all year? These are all good questions. You'll have to endure Wishcraft to find out. Mwah-ha-ha-ha!!!

Aw, fuck it. This guy killed everyone. Yeah, I told you it was absurd.

Verdant Dude Rating: 2 out of 5 pumpkins