Day 11: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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Let's begin this review with a simple statement on my part. I'm not expecting this film to be any good. In fact, I'm expecting it to be goddamn awful...as a horror film. But I am expecting it to be fun. Or at least I'm hoping that it's going to be fun. And at the most, I'm hoping that it is going to be laughable. You see, there are bad films and then there are bad films. I like bad films, but only when they aren't truly bad. Get it? Yeah, I know. Kinda like trying to wrap your brain around the notion that our 16th President could have had his humble beginnings as a vampire hunter. So it's best to leave said brain at said door when it comes to films like this.

Consider my brain checked.

Nope. I can't stop thinking. Was Gerald Ford a zombie killer? How about Grover Cleveland. Did he kill werewolves as a boy? I feel like Ronald Reagan killed my youth, does that count? I ignored US History as a kid, even though I later learned to appreciate it. But a young Earl would have been much, MUCH more interested in what the Presidents were doing in their off-time if it included monster hunting. Where were we? Oh, yes...watching a silly movie.

Hey, I just saw that this one was directed by Timur Bekmambetov. That name may not mean much to you, but he did two exceedingly fun horror/action flicks back in Russia. Night Watch and it's even better sequel, Day Watch. Reminded me that there has been a third film planned for a while, but since Timur is wasting his time making crap like this and Wanted (it had a Loom of Fate!!!), well...

What was I doing again? Oh, yeah...Abe Lincoln killing himself some vampires. After his mother was killed by a vampire when he was a boy, he is introduced to the world of vampire-killing by his mentor, Henry Sturges. Then he's introduced to a fetching young lady named Mary Todd. And he and she are going to have a very bad day at the theater later on in life, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate when movies fuck with long-established horror tropes for no goddamned reason? Like letting vampires walk around in broad daylight? Yeah, unless there's a good reason for that then I'm going to hate it. And I saw no good reason for it in this film. They fuck with a bunch of other well-known vampire superstitions as well, but that one really bothers me. Vampires should be creatures of the night. Not pale dudes wearing sunglasses at a Sunday BBQ.

And I'm not really quite sure why Honest Abe was so adept at killing awesomely powerful supernatural beings. Sure, he hated them because they killed his mother. Hate's a powerful mutha-fuckah, but I'm not sure it's enough to explain how he did the things he did in this film.

But what I really want to know is this: How the hell did Daniel Day-Lewis win an Academy Award for this pile of highly-stylized, low-rent crap?

Verdant Dude rating: 1.5 out of 5 pumpkins