Aug 10, 2006

Way too much info...

OK, so shiny new lady love was over my apartment last night. She goes to the bathroom to powder her nose and says that I am almost out of toilet paper. I ask her to check under the sink, but alas...no tp.

Alright, so I store this in my head to make sure that I go out early to the market to buy some when I am getting my morning java and paper. I forget, of course.

Fast forward to this afternoon. Sitting at my desk doing some mindless spreadsheet work when the urge hits me to drop the kids off at the pool. Feel free to replace that last line with whatever euphemism you prefer for crapping. Mind you, I'm also IMing with a friend of mine when I tell him that I have to run and crap.

I go to the bathroom and there it is. A roll of tp with maybe two sheets left on it. What the hell am I gonna do with two sheets? Alright, I alert my friend online that I need to run to the market to pick up tp because I am nearly out. Jump into the car and head to the nearest market which happens to be this 24-hour convenience store/deli kinda place.

I find the Scott's tissues and grab two rolls and stroll to the counter. Now everyone in the joint, customers and employees, have to know that I had one on deck and I ran out of paper. I mean, nobody runs into this place for just two rolls of toilet paper...so they gotta know, right? I curb my embarrasment and pay for my goodies and I run outta there, because things are getting critical now. Ya know?

But, much to my chagrin, when I get home I find that the urge to purge has passed. CRAP! Hope this doesn't turn into a Kramer incident, if you get my Seinfeld drift. Oh yeah, my buddy on the other end of the IM says he laughed so hard at my plight that it brought tears to his eyes. CRAP, CRAP, CRAP!!!

What do you think? Too much information?

17 comments:

elizabeth said...

Earl on... way too much info or Earl on Crap. I vote for the latter.

My thoughts on this.... A SHINY NEW LADY LOVE? All this time I've been imagining you like - Matthew McC and single... now you are cheating on me. CRAP. No more wasted fantasies on you Earl!

B.E. Earl said...

OK, she's not really real. Just a fantastic imaging of you as a love-bot.

I've been working dilligently in the basement for months now. She's almost perfect. I just can't get her to say "aboot".

PS - I don't mind the comparisons to Matthew McC, though. I do have much better abs than that guy. They are perfectly preserved beneath a studly layer of flab.

elizabeth said...

Fancy that - me as a lovebot. I even have a pink fluffy number somewhere and some nifty knee high boots... too bad I can't shoot from the twins.

I don't say aboot. I say about. Promise. And I don't really say "eh" sometimes I say "hey" though. Now if ya wanna talk accents there sunshine... ;-D

elizabeth said...

We don't talk like they did in Fargo. Actually - where we live we don't really have an accent. We speak like most people sing - without an accent. Make sense? So, if they were to give lessons on proper speaking I think we would be able to teach the world a thing or two (what do you say Kat?).

Slyde said...

i am completely staying the fuck out of this conversation.....

B.E. Earl said...

All I ever really know I learned from TV...

That being said, I saw on the Colbert Report one night that Nebraska (I think) is a major center for call centers (well, outside of India) because Nebraskans have the most neutral accents in the US.

And I was just blowin' smoke up yer caboose (sp?) with the "aboot" joke. I know most Canadians don't speak that way.

Now let's discuss that pink, frilly number with the knee high boots. Rowr!

elizabeth said...

Sorry Slyde ;-D

Um, sorry Earl you'll have to look to your new shiny lady love for that.... *smirk*

Slyde said...

but she's made out of plastic, and if he pulls the boots on too tight she will deflate..

B.E. Earl said...

No way, man. Ultra futuristic synthetic polymers that feel like real flesh. She even bruises when I...

Oh shit, too much info again?

Kat said...

Does she look like this?
http://www.realdoll.com/

Kat said...

What about her?
She looks aboot your type eh?
http://www.realdoll.com/sample6.asp

Kat said...

...or you can get a half torso for 1,499
WTF?!

elizabeth said...

The fact that you actually LOOKED aboot in there, sort of gives me the heebies Kat.

B.E. Earl said...

Gave you the heebies, huh? I dunno...sort of a turn-on for me. :)

But as for the half-torso, wtf is right!

Kat said...

liz- don't act like such a prude *nudge*

badgerdaddy said...

Favourite crapping euphemism: Putting the brown witch on trial.

i am the diva said...

"i had one on deck" left me laughing out loud.