Hey, Kids! It's Oscar time. That magic night annually when I sit down to watch an award show that celebrates a whole bunch of movies that I haven't seen yet. I'll probably get around to seeing a few of them, when its all said and done. Atonement isn't real high on my must-see list, but the rest of the nominated films look pretty interesting. Not actually interesting enough for me to have seen in the theaters, but you know. The one film I can't believe I haven't seen yet is No Country for Old Men, and only because I'm a huge fan of the Coen brothers. Not actually a huge enough fan for me to have seen it in the theaters, but you know.
I'm about a half hour into the show and already I'm horribly bored. What better way to pass the time than to do some live blogging? What better way to pass the time than to share my boredom with you, my readers and only friends? Here goes:
9:00 PM EST - Amy Adams is singing some song from a movie I've never heard of. Isn't Amy Adams an actress? I don't believe I've ever seen her act in anything, but her names sounds familiar. Maybe I'm thinking of Amy Ryan. Or Bryan Adams. There's a reason I don't get to vote for award shows.
9:06 PM EST - Gia is complaining because the Oscars suck. She just stole the remote control from me and is bopping around the channels. She really wishes that we were watching an episode of The West Wing. Me too. It may be a while before I get back to the Oscar show live blogging. Forgive me.
9:15 PM EST - Hey...45 minutes in and they are just about to give out the first acting honors of the night. First we have to sit through an interminable clip of Cuba Gooding Jr's acceptance speech from 1996. Now he does Hanes commercials. Oooh...there's Jennifer Hudson. Nice tits! They haven't announced it yet, but Jarvier Bardem is about to win the Best Supporting Actor award. Yup...there it goes. He's talking in Spanish. Now I'm bored in two languages.
9:24 PM EST - You're kidding me! They are filling time with a pre-taped segment called "Oscars salute to periscopes and binoculars". It's about making fun of what the show would have been like had the Writer's Strike not been settled. C'mon...just announce the fucking awards!
9:27 PM EST - I've got an awful bad case of gas right now. I made chili burgers and wasabi mashed potatoes for dinner tonight. They were great but I'm paying for it now. Or I should say that Gia and the cats are paying for it. Oh yeah, and somebody else who I haven't heard of is singing a song from some movie I've never heard of over on the Oscar telecast. Yawn. Gonna put my head down now.
9:35 PM EST - Sounds like they are about to announce the winner in the Best Supporting Actress category. Hey, Alan Arkin is still alive! Cate Blanchett is nominated for playing Bob Dylan. I always thought that Bob was a bit more butch than that. Holy shit! There is actually somebody named Amy Ryan, and she was nominated for something! I wasn't just making it up. Hmm. Tilda Swinton won it. She's a handsome man.
9:45 PM EST - Jessica Alba just showed up. Not so bored now.
Okay...let's hit the fast forward button, shall we?
9:50 PM - 10:28 PM EST - The Coen brothers won something. Kristen Chenowith is singing something. Need to take a crap. Jonah Hill and Seth Rogan are fucking hysterical! Easy high point of the show thus far. Marion Cotillard (huh?) won something. Jon Stewart is playing Wii tennis with a young lady on a huge TV screen. Gia is a little in lust with Colin Farrell. Hey...she wants to take it out on me. Be right back.
10:44 PM - 11:06PM EST - That didn't take long. She said that she didn't even think of Colin Farrell once. I did. Is that weird? A little sleepy now. I'll try to stay focused. Another song from that movie, um, from before is being performed. I think that's the third one. What the hell is going on here? Scientologist alert: John Travolta is doing something. He looks fucking crazy. That movie that had three songs nominated didn't win. Burn. Cameron Diaz is having trouble pronouncing "cinematography". Hang in there, baby...I had trouble typing it. Now they are showing a bunch of dead people. Not zombies...that would be cool. No, it's the old "In Memoriam" segment. The chance for the entire audience to say stuff like "Wow...Suzanne Pleshette died!" Wait a minute. Wow...Heath Ledger died! (Too soon? - Earl)
11:10 PM - 11:36 PM EST - mdeji3fnnnnnnnnnnn'sdod3, erm! Sorry. Fell asleep during the award for Best Original Score. Tom Hanks has a big head, and I'm not talking about ego. He's got a huge melon! But he looks like one of the only Hollywood stars who hasn't had any work done on his face. Well done, Mr. Hanks! Great acceptance speech from the dude who won for Best Documentary. Harrison Ford looks and sounds too old to be Indiana Jones. When did that happen? A tattooed, freaky stripper just won an Oscar! That rivals the Jonah Hill/Seth Rogan high point earlier. I kinda wanna bang Helen Mirren. Should I genuflect when I say that? Daniel Day-Lewis drank everyone's milkshake.
11:39 PM - 11:47 PM EST - The Coen brothers won for Best Directing. The Dude is smokin' a fat one to celebrate right now. Denzel gets the nod to give out the Best Picture award. No Country for Old Men, but apparently there are awards for 'em. Lots of them. Jon Stewart did a yeoman's job with hosting, and they finished before midnight. Phew!
Well that was more difficult than I ever imagined it. Let's never do this again. Good night.
PS - I didn't want to mention it earlier, but I guess that Owen Wilson's meds have kicked in. He was very serious and no fun at all. Appearing in public like this must have been difficult. Way to show up, pothead!