Feb 25, 2008

Oscar Beatdown

***** Lengthy post alert *****

Hey, Kids! It's Oscar time. That magic night annually when I sit down to watch an award show that celebrates a whole bunch of movies that I haven't seen yet. I'll probably get around to seeing a few of them, when its all said and done. Atonement isn't real high on my must-see list, but the rest of the nominated films look pretty interesting. Not actually interesting enough for me to have seen in the theaters, but you know. The one film I can't believe I haven't seen yet is No Country for Old Men, and only because I'm a huge fan of the Coen brothers. Not actually a huge enough fan for me to have seen it in the theaters, but you know.

I'm about a half hour into the show and already I'm horribly bored. What better way to pass the time than to do some live blogging? What better way to pass the time than to share my boredom with you, my readers and only friends? Here goes:

9:00 PM EST - Amy Adams is singing some song from a movie I've never heard of. Isn't Amy Adams an actress? I don't believe I've ever seen her act in anything, but her names sounds familiar. Maybe I'm thinking of Amy Ryan. Or Bryan Adams. There's a reason I don't get to vote for award shows.

9:06 PM EST - Gia is complaining because the Oscars suck. She just stole the remote control from me and is bopping around the channels. She really wishes that we were watching an episode of The West Wing. Me too. It may be a while before I get back to the Oscar show live blogging. Forgive me.

9:15 PM EST - Hey...45 minutes in and they are just about to give out the first acting honors of the night. First we have to sit through an interminable clip of Cuba Gooding Jr's acceptance speech from 1996. Now he does Hanes commercials. Oooh...there's Jennifer Hudson. Nice tits! They haven't announced it yet, but Jarvier Bardem is about to win the Best Supporting Actor award. Yup...there it goes. He's talking in Spanish. Now I'm bored in two languages.

9:24 PM EST - You're kidding me! They are filling time with a pre-taped segment called "Oscars salute to periscopes and binoculars". It's about making fun of what the show would have been like had the Writer's Strike not been settled. C'mon...just announce the fucking awards!

9:27 PM EST - I've got an awful bad case of gas right now. I made chili burgers and wasabi mashed potatoes for dinner tonight. They were great but I'm paying for it now. Or I should say that Gia and the cats are paying for it. Oh yeah, and somebody else who I haven't heard of is singing a song from some movie I've never heard of over on the Oscar telecast. Yawn. Gonna put my head down now.

9:35 PM EST - Sounds like they are about to announce the winner in the Best Supporting Actress category. Hey, Alan Arkin is still alive! Cate Blanchett is nominated for playing Bob Dylan. I always thought that Bob was a bit more butch than that. Holy shit! There is actually somebody named Amy Ryan, and she was nominated for something! I wasn't just making it up. Hmm. Tilda Swinton won it. She's a handsome man.

9:45 PM EST - Jessica Alba just showed up. Not so bored now.

Okay...let's hit the fast forward button, shall we?

9:50 PM - 10:28 PM EST - The Coen brothers won something. Kristen Chenowith is singing something. Need to take a crap. Jonah Hill and Seth Rogan are fucking hysterical! Easy high point of the show thus far. Marion Cotillard (huh?) won something. Jon Stewart is playing Wii tennis with a young lady on a huge TV screen. Gia is a little in lust with Colin Farrell. Hey...she wants to take it out on me. Be right back.

10:44 PM - 11:06PM EST - That didn't take long. She said that she didn't even think of Colin Farrell once. I did. Is that weird? A little sleepy now. I'll try to stay focused. Another song from that movie, um, from before is being performed. I think that's the third one. What the hell is going on here? Scientologist alert: John Travolta is doing something. He looks fucking crazy. That movie that had three songs nominated didn't win. Burn. Cameron Diaz is having trouble pronouncing "cinematography". Hang in there, baby...I had trouble typing it. Now they are showing a bunch of dead people. Not zombies...that would be cool. No, it's the old "In Memoriam" segment. The chance for the entire audience to say stuff like "Wow...Suzanne Pleshette died!" Wait a minute. Wow...Heath Ledger died! (Too soon? - Earl)

11:10 PM - 11:36 PM EST - mdeji3fnnnnnnnnnnn'sdod3, erm! Sorry. Fell asleep during the award for Best Original Score. Tom Hanks has a big head, and I'm not talking about ego. He's got a huge melon! But he looks like one of the only Hollywood stars who hasn't had any work done on his face. Well done, Mr. Hanks! Great acceptance speech from the dude who won for Best Documentary. Harrison Ford looks and sounds too old to be Indiana Jones. When did that happen? A tattooed, freaky stripper just won an Oscar! That rivals the Jonah Hill/Seth Rogan high point earlier. I kinda wanna bang Helen Mirren. Should I genuflect when I say that? Daniel Day-Lewis drank everyone's milkshake.

11:39 PM - 11:47 PM EST - The Coen brothers won for Best Directing. The Dude is smokin' a fat one to celebrate right now. Denzel gets the nod to give out the Best Picture award. No Country for Old Men, but apparently there are awards for 'em. Lots of them. Jon Stewart did a yeoman's job with hosting, and they finished before midnight. Phew!

Well that was more difficult than I ever imagined it. Let's never do this again. Good night.

PS - I didn't want to mention it earlier, but I guess that Owen Wilson's meds have kicked in. He was very serious and no fun at all. Appearing in public like this must have been difficult. Way to show up, pothead!

21 comments:

white rabbit said...

Even funnier than the Oscars is the Eurovision Song Contest, an annual Europe wide festival of dreck. there's no point in watching the songs - which occasionally are comically bad but are mostly just bad, but the voting is a hoot, largely because of the blatant regional bloc voting which gives high scores for 'countries near us we really really want to get on with' - notoriously Greece and Cyprus give each other 10 out of 10....

B.E. Earl said...

WR - never heard of that. Sounds like an international version of Pop Idol or something. Countries voting for each other?

Slyde said...

i had no desire to watch the oscars this year. none. Friz put them on for 10 minutes, and i saw Tilda win, and that was about it.

But there ARE some movies that i had wish i had seen this year.

p.s. congrats on the crap, and on getting laid.

B.E. Earl said...

Slyde - Caught all the high points of my post, didja? And stick with "Friz" (I thought it was Fritz, originally). That's a great nickname.

Kat said...

chili and wasabi? That's a potent combo.

I watched the last hour and felt really lost. Haven't seen any of those flicks yet and some I hadn't even heard of. I blame the baby.

RaeJane said...

oh dear.. that gave me a chuckle!

B.E. Earl said...

Kat - it was a noxious evening for all.

Raejane - we do what we can her at the old blog. We do what we can.

Elise said...

You need an Oscar for that post!

Everybody watches award ceremonies but how many of us watch every second of it?

I agree with WR, the Eurovision is by far the funniest thing. If you liked your Oscar night why not have a Eurovision one. Tacky european pop acts fighting for the number one single throughout europe...

xx

B.E. Earl said...

Elise - Did you think I actually "liked" my Oscar night? I was bored titless and I thought I would inflict as much pain as possible on y'all because of it.

But the Eurovision thingy does sound funny. Thanks! ;)

ajooja said...

I think they should have had Owen Wilson come up right after they had the "In Memoriam" list. That would have been nice and awkward.

Melanie said...

i abstained! :cheesygrin:

sorry about the self induced gas!

B.E. Earl said...

ajooja - Ooo, that would have been good. He could have started off his announcement with a "Phew!"

Mel - S'okay. Almost over.

Paige Stanton said...

Actually Atonement was quite good. I hadn't heard a thing about it and some people I was with wanted to go see it, so I had no idea and no expectations and was quite surprised.

jiggs said...

I forgot that the oscars were on until today. I'm such a stinker.

B.E. Earl said...

Paige - I'm sure it is, just not my cup o' tea.

Jiggs - You didn't miss much. Except for the tattooed, freaky stripper. She was fun.

white rabbit said...

Ol' Bug Eyes - I've done a couple of ska links for you & Downtown Guy - with commentary. I'll copy & paste for you assuming I pass his comment moderation ;). I had to do it in 2 bits (long) which ballsed up copy & paste first time round so a lil delay...

FourLeafClover said...

It always come back to The Dude, doesn't it?

B.E. Earl said...

WR - Thanks!

4leaf - he's a timeless icon, he is.

white rabbit said...

ska stuff 1

I've done a reggae posting - you asked about ska so here are a couple of YouTube clips for copy & paste...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rg1iEBWxVeQ

UB40's cover of standard 'Red Red Wine'. I don't know how well-known they were in the states but they were big here. they started as part of the late 70s UK two-tone (mixed bands of black & white kids) ska thing. They were from Birmingham (England not Alabama!) and someone I used to know could have been their bassist but he fell out with Ali Campbell (guy video centres around) over a girl. So it goes.

white rabbit said...

ska stuff 2

Second clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeGCzEssgEM

This is the Pioneers 'Longshot kick de bucket' from the beginning of time. it's apparently about a horse (Longshot) who dropped dead in the middle of a race.

B.E. Earl said...

WR - Thanks for the links. Yeah, UB40 and their cover of Red, Red Wine were hugely popular here in the States.

And that Pioneers song was covered by the Specials in the 80's, I think. Thanks!