Oct 10, 2008

Freakshow

Note: I was positive that I had written about this before, but I just went through my archives and Slyde's archives and it doesn't appear that I have. First, a little back story.

On the Opie and Anthony Show yesterday, the kids were talking about bachelor parties and strippers. And Anthony mentioned that he has yet to see a stripper at a bachelor party that was a knockout. Some were okay looking, but he had never seen a really, really attractive woman at a bachelor party. Something about those women being the bottom of the rung on the stripper ladder.

It got us talking about bachelor parties and strip clubs on our way into the city yesterday. I've been to a bunch of both, and I think I have to agree with Anthony. I've never seen a really "WOW" stripper at a bachelor party. They are always kinda skanky.

As for strip clubs...I can take 'em or leave 'em to be honest. Something about the pack mentality of men when they get together around naked or mostly naked women is a bit unsettling. I haven't been to one in over three years now, and I don't really miss them. Don't get me wrong. I love naked women. LOVE naked women. Just the idea of paying a naked lady to rub up and down you for a $20 lap dance leaves me...um, wanting more, I guess.

But I've had friends who were really into them at times, so I've been a guy and followed along. I've even initiated a couple of trips to the strip clubs on occasion, but usually as a goof.

So about 4 years ago, I was in Atlanta visiting a friend who had just moved there. We had drinks with a couple of women that he worked with and they wanted to know if we were going to hit any of the strip clubs Atlanta is famous for while I was in town. They were so nice, they even recommended one. A place called the Clermont Lounge not to far away from my buddy's condo.

So after a full night of lubrication, we headed to the Clermont. We should have known something was different about the place as we had to wait on line to get in. They were charging a low $5 cover charge on a Saturday night and most of the line was young women. I began to suspect that maybe the ladies were having a bit of fun with us. That maybe this was a Chippendale's style male strip club.

I'm glad to say that when we got in that it was most definitely not male strippers up on the stage. But what was up on the stage was equally as disturbing...at first. The strippers ranged in age anywhere from 20 to maybe 60. That's right! And none of them possessed what you would call "ideal" stripper bodies. All of them were a bit heavy, or old, or too skinny or just not very attractive. There was even a woman in a french maid outfit stripping that had to have been at least 60! And there she was...stripping right in front of us. I was floored.

I began to look around. There was a dance floor with a bunch of young woman and a few guys dancing to tunes spun by a DJ. And the crowd around the stage was either cracking up (the women) or horrified (the men). This place was definitely unique!

The most famous dancer at the Clermont is a large older black woman with a blond wig (or blond dye-job) named Blondie. Her schtick is to have you give her $5 and she will crush an empty can of beer between her two massive boobs. She's also very protective of the other dancers and won't hesitate to give you a slap-down if you get fresh.

My friend started to freak out at this point. He asked that we leave and go to a real strip club. But I was having an awesome time at this freak show. Cheap can beer and crazy semi-naked people...what more do you need?

But I decided to be a brother and leave this fabulous, decrepit place in favor of The Cheetah Club or something like that. I didn't wanna leave, but my friend really hated it. What are you gonna do? Afterwards, he started thinking about it and he said he was just freaked out a bit and he would love to go back again some day. As a goof.

Flash-forward about a year and I'm once again in Atlanta, this time with another friend who has never been there. My Atlanta buddy and I plan on taking the new guy to the Clermont just to see his reaction. It went pretty much like we planned. He was horrified at first, amused right afterwards and we all wound up having a great time that evening.

And I actually got to hang out with Blondie for a little while. She was the best! She crushed my empty Milller can between her boobs (I didn't keep it), and she hung out talking with us for about 20 minutes in between her sets. She was an absolute pisser. One of the girls onstage was a recovering drug addict and she absolutely looked like it. Blondie takes a couple of bucks out of her roll and gives them to me and asks me to go give them to her. She said this was the girl's first night on stage there and she wanted her to do well because she really needed something positive in her life at that time. What a weird, wonderfully freakish thing do do. And kind of touching, if you ask me.

The infamous Blondie
And that was the last time I was ever in a strip club. For me, nothing can touch the Clermont Lounge for a good time, a freaky time, a truly odd time. And that is so much more fun than having a Russian stripper grinding on my knee. Chlamydia doesn't wash out of your blue jeans that easily, ya know!

22 comments:

badgerdaddy said...

I once said to a friend of mine that if anyone got me a stripper for my birthday ever, I would be mortified. She then got me a troop of Morris Dancers.

How I wish I was joking. We did a fertility dance in one of the town's main roads.

Steph Waller said...

A gay friend of mine took me to a strip club when I was visiting him and his partner in Atlanta a few years ago. It had two rooms, one where women stripped and one where men did. I spent the evening with the guys watching the women while my friend was in the other room. When I went in there to find him I was stunned by what I saw onstage. I didn't know men could do things like that with their wangers...

I wish I knew the name of the place. The women weren't too bad looking and one who sat and talked with me a while was even pretty.

Man, I wish we could hang out together once. I think we'd have a great time.

I was "Best Weird" for a friend of mine at his bachelor party and they'd hired a couple of strippers. Yes, skanky. But when they found I was into women they spent a lot of the evening giving me lap dances. I was embarrassed, but it was cool at the same time.

Okay, TMI!

Mr. Poopie said...

There will always be a special place in my heart for the strip clubs in Atlanta. Especially the ones with strippers brandishing c-section scars.

kiki said...

i have an awesome knack at picking up strippers. but something tells me i don't wanna try my skills there

Bollix said...

Hells Bells.. Tina Turner is looking old these days. No wonder Ike used to beat her.

Hullaballoo said...

Oh yes, you did get a harumph, I love the word 'shanky', especially when applied to strippers.

I'm guessing all the really attractive strippers would be promoted to high class escorts. I recently watched a very funny programme about what would happen if a pole dancing club was set up at the north pole. Presumably, they would need to use anti-freeze to prevent unsightly chafing and accidental sticking lol.

I came to you blog via Elizabeth, by the way. I relish your ironic comments.

Avitable said...

I have never had a desire to go to a strip club or have a stripper at a party. If I was at a party where there was one, I'd probably leave.

B.E. Earl said...

badger - I don't know what Morris Dancers are, but sounds like fun!

Steph - Never had the, um, pleasure of seeing male dancers doing things with their wangs. I think I'll keep it that way. ;)

Mr. Poopie - A C-section scar isn't so bad. A scar from a stab wound...

Kiki - No you wouldn't. Trust me.

Bollix - Yeah, she was a nice lady though. Stripper with a {clink} heart o' gold!

Hullaballo - Heya! Thanks for poppin' in. I've always thought that they should do a season of Survivor in the Arctic someplace. But the ladies would be in parkas instead of bikinis, so probably not.

Avitable - I'm not that opposed to them, but I can definitely take 'em or leave 'em.

Heff said...

I haven't been to a strip club since around 1992. A "dancer" took off my glasses, hung them on her nipple, and walked the entire stage, and back. My glasses never fell off of her knocker. Good stuff.

downtown guy said...

I've had a lot of stripper friends, including several who did a little time at the Clermont. (I lived in Atlanta for a few years.) They didn't fuss as much about punk girls having visible tattoos and such.

The reason you don't see "knock out" strippers at stag parties is because the women who have the best stripper look can work for the clubs. Clubs are safe - you've got bouncers, managers, someone to complain to if someone gets touchy or you don't get paid. Hell, some strip clubs offer benefits. Call strippers have to worry about rape, being ripped off, and getting arrested for solicitation (regardless of whether they're hooking or not).

In towns without strip clubs, though, everyone's on the same playing field and women with a more conventional look do wind up doing house calls.

As for Blondie, did you know she's a poet? Also, there was a comic book about her for a while - wish I still had a copy. She's a cool gal. Gay as she can be, too, like 90% of the strippers in that town, from what I can tell.

B.E. Earl said...

Heff - That's a nice, firm nipple there!

DG - Yeah, I've seen her comic book someplace online once. And she is a really cool person, I hope I emphasized that. And I like the non-traditional look for women. Tattoos, piercings and even some extra weight.

Dr Zibbs said...

There's a strip club near Philly called Lou Turks and it should be called SkankLand. Years ago I was there and these chicks were fat, greaty hair, missing teeth. Jesus. It was frightful.

B.E. Earl said...

Zibbs - I think I've been to Skankland. I had to get a bunch of shots from the Doc when I got back.

elizabeth said...

Oh great... can't wait for Spartan to enjoy his stag. But they did say it would only be golf and paintball... am I naive?

Michelle J said...

b.e. i do not know much about the world of stripping. In fact, i know nothing. So, i got nothing!!

Have a great weekend dude!!!

Mrs. Hall said...

Earl:

I have long pondered why I read your blog. I just couldn't put my finger on it. But, I kept reading.

And then this post came along. I have my answer now!

What you display here, is a unique humanity. Your entire description of the people and especially your discription of Blondie was touching. It is really quite something.

Yay for Earl and his misfit stripper friends!

Let me be the first to tuck a dollar in your g-string!

And here's an extra five for being a fan of tattooed girls with an extra five pounds!

And could you send a drink down to Mr. Poopie who sent a shout out the girls with c-section scars?

I have all of the above :)

Take care!

:)

Holly

B.E. Earl said...

Liz - we did paintball for Slyde's bachelor party. We did other things too, but it was pretty tame.

Michelle - u2.

Mrs. Hall - C'mon...you read my blog because I'm a sexy bastard, that's why! ;)

Faiqa said...

Honestly, that's one of the most touching (figuratively as well as literally?) posts I have ever read.

B.E. Earl said...

Faiqa - why thank you! That's really nice.

pure evyl said...

That sounds like my kind of joint.

B.E. Earl said...

Evil - If you dig freaks, then it surely is.

Bruce said...

A stripper with a heart of gold, tihs would make a great basis for a fictional work.