Freakshow

Note: I was positive that I had written about this before, but I just went through my archives and Slyde's archives and it doesn't appear that I have. First, a little back story.

On the Opie and Anthony Show yesterday, the kids were talking about bachelor parties and strippers. And Anthony mentioned that he has yet to see a stripper at a bachelor party that was a knockout. Some were okay looking, but he had never seen a really, really attractive woman at a bachelor party. Something about those women being the bottom of the rung on the stripper ladder.

It got us talking about bachelor parties and strip clubs on our way into the city yesterday. I've been to a bunch of both, and I think I have to agree with Anthony. I've never seen a really "WOW" stripper at a bachelor party. They are always kinda skanky.

As for strip clubs...I can take 'em or leave 'em to be honest. Something about the pack mentality of men when they get together around naked or mostly naked women is a bit unsettling. I haven't been to one in over three years now, and I don't really miss them. Don't get me wrong. I love naked women. LOVE naked women. Just the idea of paying a naked lady to rub up and down you for a $20 lap dance leaves me...um, wanting more, I guess.

But I've had friends who were really into them at times, so I've been a guy and followed along. I've even initiated a couple of trips to the strip clubs on occasion, but usually as a goof.

So about 4 years ago, I was in Atlanta visiting a friend who had just moved there. We had drinks with a couple of women that he worked with and they wanted to know if we were going to hit any of the strip clubs Atlanta is famous for while I was in town. They were so nice, they even recommended one. A place called the Clermont Lounge not to far away from my buddy's condo.

So after a full night of lubrication, we headed to the Clermont. We should have known something was different about the place as we had to wait on line to get in. They were charging a low $5 cover charge on a Saturday night and most of the line was young women. I began to suspect that maybe the ladies were having a bit of fun with us. That maybe this was a Chippendale's style male strip club.

I'm glad to say that when we got in that it was most definitely not male strippers up on the stage. But what was up on the stage was equally as disturbing...at first. The strippers ranged in age anywhere from 20 to maybe 60. That's right! And none of them possessed what you would call "ideal" stripper bodies. All of them were a bit heavy, or old, or too skinny or just not very attractive. There was even a woman in a french maid outfit stripping that had to have been at least 60! And there she was...stripping right in front of us. I was floored.

I began to look around. There was a dance floor with a bunch of young woman and a few guys dancing to tunes spun by a DJ. And the crowd around the stage was either cracking up (the women) or horrified (the men). This place was definitely unique!

The most famous dancer at the Clermont is a large older black woman with a blond wig (or blond dye-job) named Blondie. Her schtick is to have you give her $5 and she will crush an empty can of beer between her two massive boobs. She's also very protective of the other dancers and won't hesitate to give you a slap-down if you get fresh.

My friend started to freak out at this point. He asked that we leave and go to a real strip club. But I was having an awesome time at this freak show. Cheap can beer and crazy semi-naked people...what more do you need?

But I decided to be a brother and leave this fabulous, decrepit place in favor of The Cheetah Club or something like that. I didn't wanna leave, but my friend really hated it. What are you gonna do? Afterwards, he started thinking about it and he said he was just freaked out a bit and he would love to go back again some day. As a goof.

Flash-forward about a year and I'm once again in Atlanta, this time with another friend who has never been there. My Atlanta buddy and I plan on taking the new guy to the Clermont just to see his reaction. It went pretty much like we planned. He was horrified at first, amused right afterwards and we all wound up having a great time that evening.

And I actually got to hang out with Blondie for a little while. She was the best! She crushed my empty Milller can between her boobs (I didn't keep it), and she hung out talking with us for about 20 minutes in between her sets. She was an absolute pisser. One of the girls onstage was a recovering drug addict and she absolutely looked like it. Blondie takes a couple of bucks out of her roll and gives them to me and asks me to go give them to her. She said this was the girl's first night on stage there and she wanted her to do well because she really needed something positive in her life at that time. What a weird, wonderfully freakish thing do do. And kind of touching, if you ask me.

The infamous Blondie
And that was the last time I was ever in a strip club. For me, nothing can touch the Clermont Lounge for a good time, a freaky time, a truly odd time. And that is so much more fun than having a Russian stripper grinding on my knee. Chlamydia doesn't wash out of your blue jeans that easily, ya know!