Mar 8, 2007

Pissers and Shitters

OK...just to state it right here and right now so that I don't hum and haw about it later on:

I peed on the carpet in the corner of our hotel room over the weekend.

My God! I still can't believe it. Even when I see it written out on the screen right there. I peed in the corner of our hotel room on the carpet. Lemme 'splain.

So on Saturday, I had a "guys day out" planned with some of my friends. We went into the city and did our version of a pub crawl. Hit a bunch of great bars. Had some decent food. Walked around alot. It was great fun.

Now Gia had a few days off and wanted to come in as well, but there were no ladies allowed on our "guys day out". Not my rules, but those were the rules. So we got ourselves a hotel room (a beautiful one-bedroom suite with a separate living area complete with a sofa-bed) for the next few days with the intention that we would pretend to be city folk. Gia asked my sister to join her in the city on Saturday and they would do their thing, while the guys did our thing. Great plan!

Well, I get back to the hotel sometime after midnight. We had been drinking since around 2:30 in the afternoon. Drinking hard at times! So you could imagine my state.

The girls weren't back yet, but I got a call saying that they were on their way. Once they arrived, the three of us headed back out to a local Irish pub a few blocks away. More good stuff flowed as Gia told me HER embarrassing story of the evening.

You see, her tummy wasn't doing too well, and she, er, well, she kinda sharted before dinner. Undergarments had to be thrown away, and the clean-up effort took about a half-hour. They were nowhere near our hotel and they had a dinner reservation just around the corner from where they were.

She was mortified, but somehow she made it through the night. Did I ever mention that this was the first time she was hanging out with one of my sisters for the evening? Niiiiiiice!

Anyway we head back to the hotel. I set up the sofa-bed for my sister and we all headed to sleep.

The next part of the story is something out of The Twilight Zone.

I had, apparently, shed all my clothes before hopping into bed because the next thing I became aware of was coming to consciousness while I was standing in the corner of our bedroom. Naked. Peeing on the carpet. WTF?

I immediately stop, and hop into bed hoping that Gia hasn't noticed. She has. She is wide awake and saying stuff like "You just peed in the corner? WTF?". I try to distract her with warm snuggling and utter gibberish, but she is having none of it. She keeps repeating "You just peed in the corner." Nothing like stating the obvious, huh?

I soon pass out once again, and I'm gone. For like 5 straight hours.

When I finally wake up, I have this strange recollection of a dream that I had last night. I had dreamed that I peed on the carpet in the corner of the room. Weird. I looked under the blanket. Naked...check. No urine stains...check. I peer into the corner of the room and there is no tell-tale wet stain...double check (but the carpet was dark, so maybe...). Phew! I HAD dreamed it. Weird dream.

Then I turn over and see Gia staring at me. Her first words were "You peed on the carpet last night." FUCK!!!!!

I gotta tell you there is no explanation in the world for this. I have been much drunker, MUCH DRUNKER, in the past than I was this particular evening...and I have always managed to make it to the bathroom. Sure, I've puked in some odd places, but peeing? This is crazy! And as Slyde keeps reminding me...I'm 40!!!! No excuses can be made.

What's weird is that everyone we have told this story, almost to a person, has laughed and said "Oh yeah, my boyfriend/husband/brother/whatever has done that when he was wasted!"

Really? It's like an epidemic or something. I do remember my older brother doing that when we were younger and sharing a room. Middle of the night. Gets up. Pees on the rug. But he was wasted and like 19 at the time.

But not me...I've always been pretty particular about where I pee.

Let's hope this doesn't start a trend.

PS - Do you like how I added Gia's embarrassing tale in the middle of mine to lessen the impact? Also, I thought real hard about posting this, but it was way too funny. And this blog is mostly anonymous. Only Gia and Slyde from my real life read it, and they already knew about WTF.


Slyde said...

you should be ashamed... i refuse to associate myself with a pee-er-on-of-carpets..

good day to you, sir...

Verdant Earl said...

Please don't make me tell everyone your piss story.

It's way worse than mine.

Knitty Yas said...

she kinda sharted before dinner

okay so thats where i started laughing uncontrollably and it continued all the way through to your little blue ps. hahahahahahaa!!!! oh shit. thats sooo funny!!

moments like this make me not regret being a complete and utter hermit with no friends.

Knitty Yas said...

oh and nice new look ;D

Mermaid Melanie said...

oh no no no, you must tell on slyde... oh yes.

and question, was this before or after interpretive dance? :giggles:

badgerdaddy said...

Oh, that's so sweet - two awful stories in one. And nice bracketing of Gia's story with yours, nice touch!

Seriously, that's very funny.

Kat said...

Yup. My bro did it too at a party I had about 9 years ago.

But EARL! I can't believe you blogged about your girlfriends -how shall we say- shitty skivies! I would kill you with that sweet little rifle I carry if you wrote such things about me. Naughty earl. Hilarious though ;o)

Verdant Earl said...

Yas - believe me...we laughed just as hard.

Mel - the interpretive dance comes on your this was before. Maybe this will be what the dance is about. Maybe.

Badger - I know she would appreciate it.

Kat - Do you think I would post this without prior consent from Gia? C'mon...she's the one that made me write about it.

elizabeth said...

Um...can't say that has ever happened to me or near me. Thank frickin god. But I laughed my ass off over this.

madge said...

I think Mini-Me did something like this, exactly, on the Surreal Life. Except he was in an automatic wheel chair.

But Naked? Check.
Drunk? Check.
Pissing in a corner room? Check!
What he did next? We won't talk about that.

You are in the ranks of pure brilliance.

Steven said...

You my friend...are my new hero. ;)


Verdant Earl said...

Liz - you, my friend, haven't lived until you've peed in a corner. LIVE!

Madge - I think I remember hearing about that. Yeah, great. Mentioned in the same sentence as Verne Troyer. Wonderful!

Steve - Thank you, sir. Thank you!

Em said...

Haha!! I had a boyfriend in college that did that too - except we were living in a furnished suite and he peed all over the dresser (that wasn't ours) - thankfully on his side in his underwear drawer. I made him go sleep on the couch after that! The next day, I did the same thing Gia did - 'you peed all over the dresser - WTF?!?!' lol

Verdant Earl said...

Em - You're back! This is exactly why installed the recent comment widget. New comments on old posts.

Miss Britt said...

Oh my God. I'm dying here. DYING!

And inspired to tell a story on my own blog that will piss my husband off to no end. hehehehehehhe

Verdant Earl said...

Britt - Imagine how I/Gia felt. ;)

Anonymous said...

oh my fuck, that was awesome. especially how you threw your wife under the bus right in the middle of your post. well done!

Verdant Earl said...

Becky - her pain is my, um, blog fodder. Yeah..that's it!

Bella@That damn expat said...

ahaha you are CRAZY! I don't know where you live but when I come back to the States we have to hang!
(only if you promise not to teach my husband to pee in our room)