Apr 29, 2008

Did you dry these in a rainforest?

Eddie Izzard may be the funniest man on the planet. I can sit and listen to him mumble all evening long with nary a break. And I rarely use words like "nary", but there it is...taunting me.

Here is his take on what it would be like for Darth Vader to order food at the Death Star's cafeteria. And someone with a lot of time on their hands made a lego video for the rant. Very clever. {shakes his head "no"...then nods his head "yes"...then shakes his head "no"...rinse and repeat}

Found this on Gorilla Mask, by the way. If you've never been there it is a wonderful source of everything funny and nasty on the Internets. Plus boobs!

Apr 24, 2008

3 girls, 1 hot tub

This one is icky. You have been warned.

Embarrassing Hot Tub Accident - Watch more free videos

I'm not sure why, but I've watched this like 10 times now. I tell myself that I am trying to determine if it is real or computer generated. Then I cry myself to sleep.

Apr 22, 2008

There will be yawns

Note: Go here and participate in RW's little questionnaire on reading, um, stuff. NOW! - Earl

Am I the only person around who wasn't enthralled with one of last year's Oscar darlings, There Will Be Blood? Academy Awards for Daniel Day-Lewis and for Best Cinematography plus a whole boatload of additional nominations including Best Picture. As of this writing it has been voted on by over 57,000 users on IMDB for an average rating of around 8.5 out of 10 which places it at #45 in their Top 250 films of all-time.

All-time? You have to be kidding me! I know that user-run sites like IMDB often have incredibly skewed results to their polling, but this film was universally loved by film-goers and critics alike.

I watched it over the weekend, and I thought it was merely OK.

And I'm kinda sick of Daniel Day-Lewis, to be honest. He's a talented fellow, to be sure. But does he need to get nominated for everything he does? I thought his turn in Gangs of New York was incredible, but it bordered on the verge of overacting. I thought that he crossed that border in this film with his portrayal of oil man, Daniel Plainview.

You know, his career is beginning to remind me of Al Pacino. Once upon a time, Pacino was a marvelous actor. Then the Academy awarded him for his monumental piece of overacting in Scent of a Woman, and he's been doing it ever since. Let's hope Mr. Day-Lewis avoids this trap in the future. I know he's ridiculously devoted to his craft...some might say maniacally devoted, but there is such a thing as nuance and I thought he lacked any of that in this role. It's the difference between "larger than life" and, well...Godzilla.

Daniel Plainview, portrayed with John Huston-esque bravado and gravitas, was too un-likable and ultimately too boring for me to find interesting at all. I found myself not caring about him, his son, the town, the preacher and just about anything at all in the film. I know it wasn't supposed to be a summertime feel-good hit, but I've got a dark side too that likes depressing films. And my dark side was bored to tears with this one.

I did enjoy one performance in the film. The usually comic/manic Kevin J. O'Conner as Henry was a real pleasant surprise. He usually gets to play the sidekick/comic relief in some semi-big action/adventure films, and it was nice to see him lower the boiling point and really act in this one. Kudos to everyone's favorite "Tooch".

As vampire Willow said on more than one occasion on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Bored now".

PS - I didn't feel like looking for a pic of anything to do with this movie, so you get vampire Willow. Get it? There Will Be Blood...vampires...Allyson Hannigan. No? Crap! - Earl

Apr 21, 2008

The Way Back Machine

I've hinted about it before, but I think the time has officially come to tell you all of the infamous Red Lobster Incident. Why is it finally time? Because I had kind of a boring weekend. I've run it by Slyde, and he begrudgingly has given his approval for this tale to finally be told.

Let me take you all back to the carefree days of the early 90's. A time when free love and generous portions of the drugs of your choice were readily available on every street corner. A time when the worst STD could be cured with a shot in the ass at the free clinic. Wait...I think I'm having someone else's flashbacks. None of that is true. Fuck...my 20's sucked ass!

Anyway, as most of you know, Slyde and I raised some hell back in the day. Lots of time spent in bars, nightclubs and whatnot. For Slyde, it was mostly about meeting new women. I was the shy chap of the bunch...not very successful with the ladyfolk, so I was mostly in it for the boozing on the off chance that some young lady having a bad day would lower her standards enough to glance in my direction. I've grown much more confident in my lady-killing abilities since then, thank you very much. And by "lady-killing abilities", I mean I've got a shovel, a big trunk and a secret spot to hide the bodies.

Let me interrupt this story to give the Slyde-man his props for a moment before I knock him down a bit later on. For all the bashing I provide to his manhood, Slyde has never really had a problem when it comes to the ladies. He always seemed to have a girlfriend or one or two on the vine...ripe for the picking. My own legendary single stretches would sometimes last for an excruciatingly long time, while his may have lasted a few weeks...at most. I've lost track of the number of women he dated before he was married. Now he's mostly a eunuch, but back in the day...he was the bitch's bastard.

Back to the story. So he asks me one day to go to a swinger's club with him. Huh, what? Did I hear him correctly? That's right...he wanted to go to a swinger's club with him. It was a joint around the corner from my apartment that catered to the wild and wacky swinger crowd. Slyde was just fascinated by this shit.

I mean I like the little fella, but not in that way so I was looking for a way, any way, out of the situation. But he explained that they had a "singles evening" every Wednesday night, and this is the night that he wanted me to join him there. You all just know exactly what was up in his perverted little mind. Why spend an entire evening at a nightclub trying to pick up women who may or may not be interested in jumping in the sack with you when you could go to a place where everyone's sexual agenda is already boldly displayed on their sleeves? Sounds like a plan and a half, if you ask me.

Now, as shy as I was, I've never really had a problem boldly going where no man has gone before in places like this. I would do it just for the laugh, or for a blog-post 15 years after the fact. My only real concern was running into someone that I know, but then I thought who really cares. I mean they are there too in the same situation. Might as well enjoy it.

(Sidenote: The very first time I ever went to an Adult Novelty store, I ran into a guy I knew. From work. FUCK! Uncomfortable. Me: "Hey, man...what's up?" Him: "Nothing...wife's away so I figured I would pick up some entertainment." Me: "Cool. Um, good luck with that. I'll see you in the office tomorrow." Him: "OK...see ya!" I was mortified. Not mortified enough to never go into another Adult Shop ever again. Hey, I was mortifed but the kid needs his porn, people! - Earl)

So Slyde shows up at my place and we head out to the swinger's club in our very best swinger attire. Which was probably jeans and sneakers on my part and a Members Only jacket with Capezio's on his part (I keed...I keed). I pull into the parking lot of the joint and settle into a spot almost directly in front of the entrance.

I'm set to head in, but Slyde grabs my arm. "Wait" he says. "I wanna sit her for a while to see who goes in." Okay...I close the door and we sit. Not a lot of action going on, I'll tell you that. But he wanted to see if it was mostly couples, single men or single women going in. In case you were wondering, he was looking for the single women. Shocker, right?

After a little while I decide that it's a little too gay for the two of us to be sitting in the car right in front of the place watching people go in. I mean, I don't mind looking gay every once in a while...for the laughs...but I draw the line at looking a little "too gay". The suspicious looks that we were getting from those entering and leaving were enough to make me uncomfortable, and Slyde was beginning to feel the same way. I suggested that we shit or get off the pot. Slyde wasn't quite ready for it, so he asked me to park across the street at the Red Lobster so we could watch the crowds enter from a safe distance.

I'm beginning to think that he may have lost it, but since I'm mostly riding along for a laugh anyway I do it. So there we are. Sitting. In the parking lot of a Red Lobster. Watching people come and go to a swinger's club. On Singles Night. For about a half-hour. So we traded in the strange looks we were getting from the patrons of the swinger's club to even stranger looks from the Red Lobster patrons. And those people are way more freaky than anyone going into a swinger's club. C'mon...all he shrimp and lobster you can eat for $9.99? That can't be good for you!

After a police car passed by us for the third time wondering which business we were staking out for our next robbery, I decided that it was time to make a decision. In or out. He hemmed and hawed for a few moments, but eventually he just couldn't screw up the courage to walk into the joint hand-in-hand with his hetero life partner (me!). Our evening at the swinger's club was over.

Too bad. As funny as it was sitting in a parking lot of a Red Lobster while spying on folks entering a swinger's club, I think it may have been even funnier had we had the nerve to walk into the joint. The club eventually closed its doors not long after our evening, but every time we drove past that Red Lobster we had a good laugh at our own expense.

I still wonder if there was anyone there that night that we knew. Or if Slyde ever manned up and headed into the joint on his own. Hmm? He never did tell me how he met his wife. ;)

Apr 20, 2008

Remember when you played that guy, um, in that movie...

...that was great!

So here I am earlier in the week...watching Robocop for the first time in about forever when I started to think about how certain actors will always be associated with a defining (or not) role from early in their careers. And no, I'm not talking about Peter Weller as the titular cyborg cop, but don't you just love the word "titular"?

I'm taking about Kurtwood Smith, everyone's favorite mean dad from That 70's Show. The guy has over one hundred credits on his IMDB page. He's been in a Rambo movie, a Star Trek movie, a John Woo movie...even that movie with a way too young and topless Alicia Silverstone. But for me, the guy will always be Clarence Boddicker from Robocop. Whenever I see him, I think to myself "Hey...Clarence Boddicker!" Maybe because it was one of the first times that I ever saw him, or maybe because he was such an interesting baddie. Or maybe I just like the name Clarence Boddicker. I dunno, but there it is.

There are a bunch of other actors who fit the bill as well. They may have had great successes later or earlier in their careers or they may have faded into obscurity, but whenever I see them it's "Hey...Brundlefly!" or "Hey...Melina!" Some actors never outgrow a role, at least for me.

Here are a few more:

Ted Levine - He's been in a whole mess of movies as well as a co-starring role in TV's Monk, but for me (and I'm assuming for a whole lot of you as well) he will always be Buffalo Bill. C'mon guys...admit it. You've tried the whole "tuck routine", right? Maybe not as an adult, but as a kid. You know, just playing around. Um...just me? Fuck!

Natalie Portman - For some it's her role as the uncomfortably young hottie in Beautiful Girls, but for me she will always be the even more uncomfortably young Mathilda from Leon (The Professional). The game she plays with Leon is creepy even for a dirty old man like myself. What? You liked that scene? Perverts!

Robert Shaw - Yeah, I know...most of you probably will jump to his role as Quint in Jaws. Maybe even a few of you will think of Doyle Lonnegan first from The Sting. But I doubt anyone else but me will immediately think of him as King Henry VIII in A Man for All Seasons. I don't know why, but whenever I see him I picture him screaming "I HAVE NO QUEEN!!!" at Paul Scofield. I'm planning on elective brain surgery to correct this condition.

Tom Noonan - Here's a name you might not be familiar with, but he has about 60 credits on IMDB. Just like Ted Levine in Silence of the Lambs, Noonan will forever be remembered by me as Francis Dollarhyde from the first film version of Thomas Harris' novel "Red Dragon", Manhunter. And if you haven't seen it, this adaptation was light years better (huh?) than the Ed Norton/Anthony Hopkins film from a few years ago.

Rutger Hauer - Let me be plain about this...I'm a Rutger Hauer fan. His name, which sounds like not just one but two different type of guns, is reason enough. Add in fantastic movies like The Hitcher, Soldier of Orange, The Blood of Heroes (weird post-Apoc film with amazing cast), Blade Runner and Buffy, the Vampire Slayer and he becomes immortal. But the role I will always associate him with is, of course, the natty terrorist Wulfgar in Nighthawks. And in my head, it's Stallone yelling "WULFGAAARRRRRR!!!" for an added bonus. I think I even lip-sync it with my bottom lip curled ala Sly. It's a sickness, people.

Joan Cusack - She's had a bunch of memorable roles. Who can forget her as John Cusack's sister in Say Anything? Or howabout her turn as John Cusack's assistant in Grosse Pointe Blank. Then there she was again as John Cusack's friend in High Fidelity. All fun roles. But she will forever in my heart be Geek Girl #1 in Sixteen Candles. The dance moves, the bib, the neck brace/retainer apperatus. Sigh. Oh yeah, her brother was in that one as well. I sense a pattern.

There are a ton more, but you get the idea. Who do you got?

PS - Mindlessly violent newness over at MovieGrenade for you to ignore. Go get 'em, kids!

Apr 18, 2008

Wedding plans

Ha! Fooled you. Not mine, silly goose! But Gia and I are headed out to a wedding celebration tonight at some swanky joint or another. I plan on looking just as suave as the gentleman up there in the pic, but you know...hairier.

We did have a little spat about it. I didn't want to go initially because we really aren't friends with the couple and I couldn't understand why we were invited. Well, there is one reason. People love Gia! And they want to be around her. I can TOTALLY understand that!

So I bitched and moaned about going, and she said she was more than willing to go to it alone since her sister and her parents were going. I, or course, would have none of that so I told her I would go. Then, just kidding around, Gia mentioned earlier this week that she wishes she hadn't replied "yes" to the invite because she didn't really wanna go. I think I burst a blood vessel in my brain when she said that. We fought again....I apologized again. Stupid me.

So we shall celebrate tonight. Here is what I will and will not do:

  • a I will drink my silly face off. Maybe I will have the bartender make me some delicious martinis.
  • x I will not do any "group dances" like the chicken dance, the macarena, the electric slide or whatever the new happening dance might be nowadays.
  • a I will slow dance with Gia anytime she wants. Maybe dry-hump her a bit in the process.
  • x I will not order the fish. Who does, really?
  • a I will run to the bar to check results on the Yankee game. I'm not dead people!
  • x I will not hit on any bridesmaids. Sorry gals, this gem is taken.
  • a I will laugh away a few pounds. Because not only is Gia hilarious, but the rest of her family is pretty funny too! And seriously, I could use to lose a few. :(
  • x I will not, under any circumstance, get so drunk that I start waving my penis around as a desperate call for attention. I'll wait until we get home for that.
PS - The new template doesn't seem to like bullet points, so I had to add them myself. Pain in the rear end! Harumph!

Apr 17, 2008


Emma Watson (of Harry Potter fame) turned 18 the other day.

This is much rejoicing in the land. For two reason:
  1. She now gets to have the $20million or so that she has earned thus far for her role as Hermione Granger, and
  2. I don't have to feel ashamed anymore when I masturbate while thinking about her playing with my magic wand.
Just kidding...I'm more of a Tonks fan myself. Who is she trying to fool with a name like Nymphadora? Rowr!

Apr 15, 2008

He's Super! Thanks for asking.

Weathermen are notoriously manly, and this guy may be the manliest of the bunch.

Source - here's the full link.

PS - I'll get back to hetero-blogging tomorrow - Earl

PPS - I'm playing around with my template, but don't get used to it. I may go back. I wanna expand the width of my main block and sidebar, but I'm having issues. I go into the HTML edit and I see that I can change the width of the outer wrapping, the content wrapping and the main and sidebar areas...but I just keep screwing it up. Any advice, blog-o-maniacs? (This is where Slyde will once again bitch at me about setting up your own site rather than use something like Blogger. Watch for it. - Earl)

Apr 11, 2008

Reality TV ideas

Last night on 30 Rock, the back story dealt with a reality show on NBC called MILF Island. The stuck a bunch of Mom you would like to...you know... on an island with a group of horny teen aged boys. The Moms would do striptease acts, cat fight with one another and basically do anything to not get voted off of Erection Beach. High class stuff.

So, those cats at NBC know that FOX is totally gonna steal this idea for next November's sweeps, right? Sounds like it is right up their alley.

Here are a few other shows that FOX currently has in development:
  • Prison Bitch - It's a reality series based on their popular action series Prison Break. But no one gets to escape, and pretty boys like Wentworth Miller spend most of the time dressed up in halter tops and lipstick.
  • So You Think You Can Be President? - In this quasi-political reality show, contestants vie for the opportunity to be reviled by the media and both major political parties in the country. The winner doesn't actually get to be President, but he/she does get the right to have oral sex in the Oval Office at a time of their choosing.
  • Harmless, Or Not? - Contestants in this ripoff to Fear Factor get to open envelopes that are filled with a mysterious white powder. Could be cocaine, could be anthrax, could be baby powder. The only winner in this show is Charles Darwin.
  • Amputee Island - Similar to Survivor and MILF Island, this show features contestants with "something" missing who are sent to an island in hopes of winning love, fortune, prosthetics and a life-long case of guilt for cashing in on their mis-fortune.
I would watch one or two of those shows. Slyde would probably watch all of them.

Apr 10, 2008

The second most exciting post ever!

As passionately requested by Liz (and Slyde), here is another post about rye bread. Hehehe.

There were a few of you (White Rabbit, Globus, Lives by the Woods) who claimed indifference or even ignorance when it comes to rye bread. So I thought I would give you all a little primer on the topic. I spent hours of exhaustive research on the subject, and when I say "hours of exhaustive research" I mean a quick search on Wikipedia. The encyclopedia for the masses by the masses. The source for when you absolutely, positively wanna get things wrong.

Seems that rye bread has been around for about 1500 years or so. The Danes and the Saxons introduced rye to Britain upon pillaging, er, settling there around 500 AD. It was because rye was a hearty crop that did well in northern climates. I've never done well in northern climates. I prefer a semi-tropical climate myself. But enough about me...back to the bread!

Rye and rye bread soon spread all over Europe like the plague. Bad symbolism? Sorry. It became the most popular bread in places of extreme mirth like Estonia, Finland and Mother Russia, although real rye bread is German in origination. It was the preferred bread of the Nazi party. Hitler died with a loaf of rye bread shoved up his ass. True story. Look it up. David Hasselhoff, working on his popularity with the German people, has a loaf of rye bread shoved up his ass at this very moment. True story. Look it up.

Rye bread is made only with rye flour, no wheat flour. That's right. A good loaf of rye looks down its nose at wheat flour. No admittance to the party wheat! They will except ground spices like coriandor, fennel and aniseseed, but they draw the line at wheat flour. Hell, in the US they even add caraway seeds (sorry Poppy) to the loafs, and maybe some caramel for coloring...but no fucking wheat flour! Okay...there are some rye/wheat hybrid breads out there, but for purists or Nazis there should never be any integration between the races, er, grains. Did it just get uncomfortable in here?

What else? Oh yeah...Pumpernickel is a type of rye bread. Someone mentioned that in the comments to the last post. Here are some rye bread recipes. I'm sure someone asked for that as well.

I'll leave you with a popular saying in frigid Alaska. When something tastes delicious they call it "eggs on rye". Truer words have never been uttered, my friends.

How's it going with the carb intake, Liz? ;)

PS - I wrote this before seeing that I'm up against Liz on Oookami Snow's blog in his "Favorite Blog of 2008" tournament. Kinda fitting though. Bring it, Liz! - Earl

Apr 4, 2008

When all else fails...

...post a pic of one of the cats. Here is Syd looking quite fuzzy and, dare I say, leonine. Huh?

Sorry, but this time of the year my thoughts are all about the Yankees and March Madness/April Anxiety NCAA hoops. It's the "guy gene". I haven't found a way to suppress it yet, but there are a shitload of doctors working on a cure. I am getting a little better. I've made it almost a week without staying up for Baseball Tonight on ESPN

Thank God(dess) Gia is a Yankee fan too! Otherwise we might not speak for a weeks at a time at the beginning of baseball season. Phew!

  • I see that they are working on another upgrade for Blogger. This one has scheduled post posting, new blogroll featuring Google Reader, Google gadget support and a bunch of other things. It's about time they upgraded around here. I was going to pick up my shit and move elsewhere. Not really...too lazy.
  • I don't see it in the new features, but they really should make the comment editor/interface more user friendly. We've talked about this before...so let's move on.
  • Maybe I am just stupid, but whenever I upload a picture to a post in the post editor Blogger always puts it at the top of the post and then I have to move it to where I want the picture to be. Why can't I just go to the spot in the post where I want the pic to be and drop it there? This annoys me. Either I'm doing something wrong or Blogger is just plain clunky with this feature. Aaarghhh.
That is all. Have a nice weekend! - Earl

Apr 3, 2008

TV is only 20 years old!

Or so it seems by a poll from Empire Online - a film and television review site.

They featured the 50 Greatest Television Shows of All-Time the other day, and it was truly a fanboy''s delight. Just about everything on the list was from the last two decades with most from the past few years.

It's almost like the list was prepared by my inner 12-year old. Lost, The West Wing and Buffy the Vampire Slayer were 3 out of the top 5 shows of all time. Now they are probably 3 of my top 5 shows of all time, but c'mon... Oh, and Firefly, all 10 episodes that they aired, was number 14. Once again, I loved it. But #14?

I know that TV, especially production-wise, has definitely gotten better over the years, but are they trying to tell us that the only television worthy of the list from the 60's and 70's were the original Star Trek and Monty Python's Flying Circus? Even their "old" shows are classic fanboy fare.

Who voted on this list? A million Slyde clones? Wow...a million Slyde clones. That's a scary thought.

Apr 1, 2008


The Yankees perfect season has begun.

I'm off to try to gain access to Hideki Matsui's massive porn collection. - Earl

Here's a picture of the aforementioned Matsui with his new wife. Seriously.