May 31, 2012

Get Prepared

Went onto Yahoo! earlier tonight and found that "Zombie Apocalypse" was the #1 trending topic today.

Makes sense.

In a week in which we've seen a California man bite the nose off of his cousin, a naked Florida man eating the face off his victim and a New Jersey man stabbing himself and throwing bits of flesh and entrails at police officers...well, it makes sense.

This probably isn't the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse. But is shouldn't stop you from making preparations. I'm planning on a little shopping trip to survive the undead horde that is surely coming.  Here's what I'm getting:
  • An Axe-handle baseball bat. It just fits your hand really well.
  • A Ginsu set of knives. Late-night television tells me that they are the best for zombie killing.
  • Bourbon, and lots of it.
  • A haircut. Dude like me with a ponytail? That's just one more way for a fucking zombie to catch you. I'd feel silly dying because a zombie dragged me down by my luxurious mane. 
  • A slow, fat, dim-witted friend. You know why.
  • A middle finger lighter. Because it's bad-ass! And zombies burn real good.
  • Some catnip for my cats. They are coming with me on my journey against the undead. I'm not a fucking savage.
  • Did I mention bourbon?
What would you make sure you had with you when the shambling dead come calling?


sybil law said...

A shallow dry moat built around the house, plenty of Jameson, numerous guns and ammo, Dave Grohl... I guess that's it.

Paticus said...

I would think rollerblades would be quite useful...Except that I do not, in any way, know how to roller skate.
I gotta say, I don't think I would last very long in the zombie apocalypse...I'm pretty sure I'm the slow,fat, dim-witted friend.
Oh,and that middle finger lighter should TOTALLY have a pot leaf on it.

Verdant Earl said...

Sybil - Why would you want a dry and/or shallow moat? I want that fucker deep and filled with water or oil.

Paticus - I can't skate either. Besides, too much uneven ground in a zombie apocalypse. I think they would be a hazard.

sybil law said...

If it's dry and shallow, they'll fall into it, and then I can shoot them or set the fuckers on fire pretty easily.

limpy99 said...

I'd probably get a ladder to get in and out of the second floor of the house and then some welding materials, and a welder, to seal off the bottom floors and basement. This better not interfere with baseball season though.