Mustard Sandwich

OK. This post is gonna require a bit of work on your part. Yeah, I've been taking it easy on you all these years. I do all the work and you got to sit back and enjoy the results. Well, not today my pretties.

I wanna relay something I overheard the other day.  By itself, it probably isn't very funny.  But if you can make yourself hear it the way I heard it, well...magic may occur.

I was at the local bagel shop the other day.  I'm there 3 or 4 times a week to pick up some bagels, cream cheese and coffee for Gia and I in the mornings.  The counter is usually manned by an assortment of college or high-school aged kids depending on the day of the week.  But the joint is owned by a guy who spends most of his time in the back, making the bagels.

This guy looks like a cross between a close friend of mine and Harvey Fierstein.  But VERY MUCH like Harvey Fierstein.  Very New York, very Jewish...not so much with the gay thing, but other than that he IS Harvey Fierstein.  And the kicker is that he sounds EXACTLY like Harvey Fierstein.  Once again, not so much with the gay thing, but... 

Now for this little exercise to work you are going to need to have Harvey Fierstein's voice in your head.  It may be unpleasant for you for a short period of time, but I know you kids are tough enough to endure.

So listen to Harvey's voice on this video below, and listen to the message while you are at it. 

OK, got it? That's pretty much what this guy looks like and it almost exactly what he sounds like. Just a great, raspy, Jewish, Brooklyn accent on a dumpy, grey-haired guy. Now use that voice in your head while reading the following conversation between this guy (let's call him Harvey) and one of the kids working for him:

Harvey: What are you doing over there?
Kid: I'm making myself a sandwich for later on.
Harvey: What are you putting on it?
Kid: Just some ham and cheese, why?
Harvey: You are putting mustard on that?  Why?  You're gonna ruin the sandwich!
Kid: I like mustard.
Harvey: When you put mustard on a sandwich all you taste is the mustard.  Try a schmear of mayo, maybe.  That's what I like.  But it really doesn't need anything at all.  You are absolutely killing that sandwich!
Kid (smiling now): But I really, really like mustard.
Harvey: Well then, you go ahead and you enjoy your mustard sandwich!

And then he stormed off to the back room.

If I had seen that played out on the big screen I would have been cracking up!  As it was, I had a hard time controlling the giggles until I got back to the car.  Especially when I caught the eye of the kid he was yelling at after he stormed off.  I think he and I were the only ones to hear the exchange because everybody else was in the middle of doing something or other.  I'm sure the kid had fun with it later on with his friends.

Man, I love my local bagel shop!

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Note: Remember to play the Bug-Eyed Trivia Challenge every day. Just a schmear of mayo.

Bagels and Rock Stars

There are many things that I would miss if I ever moved from this area. But I would have to put great bagels up near the top of that list.

You see, you can't go a mile in any direction around here without running into a bagel shop. And 9 times out of 10, it's a great bagel shop. That's what Long Island does. That's ALL Long Island does!

But there are the random shitty bagel shops that needs to be avoided. Maybe the bagels don't taste as good. Maybe the service sucks. Maybe the person who owns it is a complete asshole.

I know of such a joint. Well, I know of a few. But this is about one that I encountered yesterday. I've been there before and I always come away with the same reaction. Feh. And it always seems like it is much more expensive than your normal bagel joint.  So I try to avoid it.

Yesterday I had to go get some dry cat food at the pet store early in the morning.  I asked Gia if she wanted some coffee and a bagel and she said that she did.  So I was gonna go to the pet store in one direction and then go the bagel shop I like in the other direction.  Even though there was this bad bagel store in the same strip mall as the pet store.  That's how much I normally tried to avoid it.

But in an extreme act of laziness, I decided to just go to bad bagel store instead.  I order 3 bagels, a 1/2 pound of cream cheese and a couple of coffees.  Now, for those of you who aren't aware.  Bagels generally cost around $1.00 - $1.25.  And a 1/2 pound of cream cheese goes for about $4.00.  So I put a twenty on the counter as the asshole who runs the place looks up and says "Um...that'll be $13.00."

Now I place this same order a lot at the bagel store I usually give my business to, and it usually anywhere from $9.00 - $10.00.  What can I say?  Bagel shops are imperfect businesses.  So I'm trying to add it up in my head and I was just gonna let it go.  Then I turned around and looked for a board with prices.  There wasn't any.  So I politely asked "Excuse me, how does that add up to $13.00?"

And he got pissed at me!  Started yelling and slobbering and gesticulating in an incoherent fashion.  I can only assume he was giving me a rundown of what each item cost, but none of it was making sense.  And I was getting mad because he was getting mad at me. And I know I was only getting ripped off by something like $3.00, but it's generally the little things that really get your goat every now and again.  I know that he was just making up whatever price he wanted.  That's why he doesn't post his prices.

So I waved him off, called his shop overpriced, called him a fucking hack (made sense at the time) and stormed out of there.  Never...EVER...to return.

And you know what?  It felt pretty good.  Maybe I just needed to let off a little steam.

On a lighter note, Gia is once again going to be a rock star tonight at this concert.  She has her own solo again this year.  Last year, she brought down the house with a version of "Bad Girls" that kicked ass.  Tonight she will be singing "Be My Baby" by the Ronettes and singing backup vocals for most of the rest of the night.  Maybe an impomptu duet or something as well.  The party goes until almost 4AM.

So if you are reading this when it posts, I will be doing the Old Folks Boogie and celebrating my woman.

If you are reading this sometime during the day on Wednesday, I will be hungover.

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Note: Remember to play the Bug-Eyed Trivia Challenge every day. And you know that you're over the hill.  When your mind makes a promise that your body can't fill.