Day 21: Last Kind Words (2012)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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Streaming on Netflix Instant.

There's something about the backwoods of Kentucky, or Tennessee, or West Virginia, or really any place that has backwoods. They creep me the fuck out. I have this theory that there are all kinds of crazy shit that goes on in the backwoods. Like the deepest parts of the ocean, man hasn't fully explored these areas yet. Perfect setting for a horror movie. This one takes place in Kentucky, where a young man and his family have moved to work on a farm.

Brad Dourif plays the man who owns the farm, and if you are familiar with his work than you know that he brings the creep factor up to around eleven. But he's not the main character. That's the shy, abused boy who works the farm with his father and mother. He meets a young woman in the woods who knows a little too much about the hardships he's been through with his abusive father. Oh, and she likes to skinny-dip. Which is nice.

But she's as ghost, which sucks if you're a teenaged boy trying to get your freak on. Ghosts are notoriously hard to get. And fairly insubstantial once you do get them. Pretty much a zero-sum gain. We find out she was the sister of Brad Dourif, and the former childhood crush of the young man's father. I'm counting about four corners in that particular love triangle. Squares and triangles...they don't fit.

I'm getting a little tired of scary movies that aren't scary. This one is definitely not scary. It's atmospheric and kinda well-done, but not scary at all. Ultimately, it really wasn't worth watching.

Verdant Dude rating: 1.5 out of 5 pumpkins

Day 20: Fingerprints (2006)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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Found on Amazon Prime Instant. It had a creepy no-eyes kid on the film poster, and that was enough for me. The film is based on an actual urban legend (or is that an oxymoron?) centered around San Antonio, Texas. The legend goes a little something like this: A school bus filled with children is killed in a collision with a train. Residents claim that if a driver stops their car in neutral on that same set of tracks, the ghosts of the children would push the vehicle to safety. Some even claim to have found tiny fingerprints on the their vehicles after it happened. I dunno. Seems like some pretty freaking benevolent ghosts. How are they going to make a horror movie out of that?

Call me skeptical.

I'm pretty sure they are using comic sans as the font for the opening credits. Looks more like the beginning of "Too Close For Comfort" or some other bad 80's sit-com than a top-notch horror film. Or a Lifetime Movie of the Week. Strike one and we are barely three minutes into the film. Not good.

Melanie is coming back home after a stint at rehab. She appears to have had exactly one bad experience with heroin which necessitated her trip to rehab. I guess one is all you need with heroin. I've got no idea, and I'm not going to find out. But she doesn't appear to be an addict of any kind.

Oh, no way...Geoffrey Lewis is in this as an old bum! Man, I actually met Geoffrey Lewis once back in the early 1980's. My best friend's cousin was his agent or publicist or something, and they both were at some party at my friend's parent's house. No one really knew who he was except me. He was Mike Ryerson from Salem's Lot fer crissakes! I can't believe he's playing bums in movies that look like they were made for basic cable. Strike two.

Melanie keeps on seeing one of the ghost kids from the bus crash legend. And there's a dicky guy with a faux-hawk who is clearly going to be the first one to die. And another guy who is just so dreamy that he only moves in slow-motion whenever Melanie sees him. He's probably a secret bad guy. And a bitchy cheerleader who was incredibly wasted when we get introduced to her, but it doesn't stop her from tormenting Melanie for her drug rehab stint by calling her a...freak. Shut yo mouth! She is going to die second. I may get the order of her and faux-hawk wrong*. Doesn't matter as I plan on drinking heavily through the rest of this crap-fest.

Fun facts: Lou Diamond Phillips was nominated for a Golden Globe for Stand and Deliver. Sally Kirkland won a Golden Globe and was nominated for an Academy Award for her role in Anna. What does this have to do with anything? Not much. Except that they are both in this piece of shit. A veritable case study in what happens on the downswing of so many Hollywood careers. Lesson learned. I think.

Oh...there's an actual killer someplace in this mess. And he or she is dressed up in what appears to be Revolutionary War garb. Or a train conductor. It's difficult to tell...but this bourbon sure tastes good. Might be time for bed.

Strike three. I'm out.

*I wasn't wrong in the order. You're welcome.

Verdant Dude rating: 0 out of 5 pumpkins

Day 19: Howling (2012)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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Another South Korean horror flick! Yay! I don't know why I've passed this one up so many times when I've seen the title on Netflix Instant. And it stars the always amazing Kang-ho Song (The Host, The Good The Bad The Weird, Thirst)! I really couldn't be more psyched right now. Billed as a hybrid horror movie...something between a werewolf story and a serial killer story. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!!!

Detective Sang-gil Jo is a cynical loner detective working on a mysterious case of a man who suddenly burned to death in his car. He's assigned a new partner, a young woman just off of her tour as a motorcycle patrol cop. He is none too happy with this situation. I'm sensing a little Lethal Weapon "I'm gettin' too old for this shit" drama coming on. Except the roles are reversed with the older detective being the hot-head.

The coroner on the case finds what appears to be a deep dog bite on the thigh of the burned victim. And traces of a new street drug called Hama in his urine. The detective's new partner doesn't believe that it was suicide, but rather a homicide. This is confirmed by the unit's CSI team. The man was wearing a belt laced with an accelerant with some kind of timer in the buckle. They also find out the he is involved in a prostitution ring, possibly involving minors. And from there, the game is afoot.

There are some shocking scenes of inter-personal violence that probably wouldn't fly with American audiences strewn through the film. The detective beats his teenaged son on the city streets when he finds him playing hooky from school. The new lead detective slaps the young woman detective in the face after it is revealed that she and her partner haven't reported new findings in their case of the burned victim yet. That one was particularly shocking, at least for me. The crap that the male detectives throw her way is truly awful to watch. Just for being an attractive woman in a man's world. It's unsettling to say the least. That's the point, of course. Still...hard to watch.

As for the "werewolf" portion of the movie...well, it wasn't a werewolf. But it was extremely well done and unique in the way that it was handled. The animal was a wolf/dog hybrid, and the attack scenes were truly difficult to watch and extremely realistic, with the animal viciously tearing its victim's throats. I honestly don't know how they were able to film them. Impressive animal actor there.

After sitting through it, I don't think there is any way that you could classify this film as horror, as there were no supernatural elements and the serial killer wasn't a serial killer. More of a revenge mystery type of film. Upsetting at times, heartbreaking at others. It was an extremely well done thriller.

Korean with English subtitles.

Verdant Dude rating: 4 out of 5 pumpkins

Day 18: Lobos de Arga/Game of Werewolves (2011)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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I've seen this film in the horror section of HBO Go for quite some time now. Frankly, it looked ridiculous. Well, the screen-shot that they used for the film looked ridiculous. Then I started watching other films on HBO Go and I realized that they almost never use a screen-shot that is NOT ridiculous. So kudos to whatever sarcastic psycho is doing that for them. It doesn't say so in the brief description of the film on HBO, but it is billed as a horror-comedy in other places. OK, let's get down to it, boppers.

In a pre-credit bit o' comic-book-style exposition, we find out about what happened in the small town of Arga in rural Spain all those many moons ago. A desperate and blood-thirsty noblewoman, after failing in many attempts to get pregnant, becomes enamored with a traveling gypsy man who is in town with his crew putting on a show of some kind. He rebuffs her advances so she has him kidnapped and she takes his seed by force. She then leads her men in the murder of the entire gypsy camp, including the man's wife. But with her last breath, she curses the noblewoman and her offspring. Her son has a normal childhood, but at the age of ten the curse reveals itself and he becomes...da da DUM...a werewolf!!!

Fast-forward to present times, we see a young man traveling to his birthplace of Arga. He is an author of some sorts, and he believes the town has invited him back to celebrate him as a favorite son. But what they really want is to sacrifice him to the werewolf that has been terrorizing the town for 100 years. They believe that if the last male heir of the line is eaten by the wolf, the curse will end. If that doesn't happen, then the town will be cursed once more. This time something much, much worse.

But it's all shits and giggles, really. The townfolk aren't really up to the task, so to speak. And the man's bumbling friends and dog help him escape again and again. Even his grandmother gets into the act. Listen, it's no Shaun of the Dead. But it's not half-bad. I like how they went old-school with the werewolves. No CGI here, kids. Just a dude in a suit kinda looking like a modernized version of Michael Landon in I Was a Teenaged Werewolf. Without the super keen letterman jacket.

Lots of gags. Some of them work, some of them don't. In the end, it didn't really matter. It was a whole heap of fun wrapped up in a silly, little horror movie. Just don't expect it to make any sense at all. I mean, c'mon...it's a werewolf movie.

Be warned: it's in Spanish with English subtitles, and that might not be your bag.

Verdant Dude rating: 3 out of 5 pumpkins

Day 17: Don't Look Now (1973)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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How is it possible that I haven't seen this film yet? I love 1970's horror with a capital LUV, and I have to admit to having seen at least one important scene is some collection of the greatest Horror Scenes of all-time someplace. But I've never sat down and watched it. Something I decided to correct when I saw it available on Amazon Prime Instant. The film was directed by Nicolas Roeg (The Man Who Fell to Earth) and based on a short story by Daphne du Maurier (The Birds), so it's got some serious semi-pretentious/artsy weight behind it as well. I'm stoked to see this.

Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie (1970's!!!) are a married couple dealing with the tragic accidental death of their young daughter. Sutherland's character has accepted a commission in Venice to restore an ancient church. They encounter two elderly sisters, one of whom is blind and claims to be clairvoyant. She tells Christie that she's seen her daughter and that she's happy. This naturally upsets the already distraught mother, causing her to faint. And Sutherland has been "seeing" his daughter as well. Or at least a small figure in a red rain slicker in a photo of the church he is restoring. In fact, he "saw" her there even right before her tragic accident. A bit of foreshadowing that came just a moment too late to save his daughter's life.

They keep seeing the creepy psychic sisters all over Venice. They claim that Sutherland has a bit of a psychic gift himself. Maybe that's why he knew their daughter was in trouble right before her death. He is skeptical, even as his wife feels the need to work out her grief with the sisters. They warn her that the couple needs to leave Venice. That something awful is going to happen. Again, Sutherland meets this prediction with skepticism. There's also a killer on the loose in the canals and streets of Venice. You know...just for kicks.

What follows is a psychological exercise of the affects of grief on those who have recently lost a loved one, especially a young child. There are supernatural elements to it, of course. It IS a horror film. But instead of over-the-top frights, we are given a slow and often confusing glimpse in the lives of thee characters. Confusing because of the inconsistencies of spatial time employed by Nicolas Roeg. They are used to throw the viewer off-kilter and to mimic the confusion associated with psychic precognition.

I guess I should mention the famous and infamous sex scene between Sutherland and Christie. Graphic and a bit artsy, cutting between shots of the the couple having sex and later getting dressed for a night out. Roeg had to cut several frames out of the scene to avoid an X-rating. And there were persistent rumors that that two actors actually had real sex on camera, rumors that Sutherland and others later denied adamantly. But it was skillfully done and something you don't see in movies of that era very often. Or any era, for that matter.

It's atmospheric, entertaining and creepy as all hell. Exactly what I was hoping it would be. I don't think it's for everyone, but if you dig psychological horror, Venice or the 1970's then you may enjoy it as much as I did.

Verdant Dude rating: 4 out of 5 pumpkins

Day 16: House at the End of the Street (2012)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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For some reason, I thought this was a remake of a horror film from the 1970s. Turns out I was thinking of Last House on the Left, which was Wes Craven's first film that was remade in 2009. Nope...this is an original (hmmm?) horror film starring Jennifer Lawrence. I had no idea. It's been sitting there on my Netflix Instant queue, waiting for me for months. Let's remedy this situation right now!

Newly divorced Elizabeth Shue and her daughter, Lawrence, move to a beautiful new home in a wooded area that just happens to be right next door to a house where a double-murder occurred several years before. And the killer was never caught. Just ran off into the woods where the town assumed she died in a river or something. That's why the house is so inexpensive. I'm sure this is going to turn out okay for them. Things like that usually do in horror films.

It's not too long before our young heroine is walking home in the rain in the dark and she accepts a ride home from the killer's brother who is supposedly living alone in his family's home. Because, sure...not creepy at all. And right after nearly getting raped by the supposed "nice guy" in town. She's an entire smorgasbord of great decisions at this point.

As it turns out, the young woman who we think killed her parents is locked in the basement of her home being cared for by her oh-so-not-creepy brother. He makes her chicken soup and shoots her up with sedatives. Not so bad if you ask me. He explains that she suffered some brain damage when she was very young while he was playing with her and their parents were getting high on crack or something inside. Lots of ways this film can go from here, right?

Except there's not. You'll see the big twist coming from about a million miles away. At least I hope you will. Or maybe you'll read this review and you won't. God, I hope you read this review and you won't. And there was still like a half-hour of crappy movie left after it was (derp), revealed!

Just think, Jennifer Lawrence did this crap-fest, Silver Linings Playbook and The Hunger Games. All released in 2012. One of these things...is not like the other. One of these things just isn't the same.

This was terrible.

Verdant Dude rating: 0.5 out of 5 pumpkins (half a pumpkin for Jennifer Lawrence, who should have known better)

Day 15: Boggy Creek (2010)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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When I was just a wee Earl, I remember seeing a flick in the theaters called The Legend of Boggy Creek. That mockumentary about the Bigfoot legend was made in 1972, but I saw it several years later on a Saturday afternoon as part of a double-feature with Day of the Animals or some such nonsense. I remember thinking that both were crap, yet I spent the rest of that summer totally scared shitless of Bigfoots...er, Bigfeets...er, gangs of roaming Bigfoots...FUCK! What's a herd of Bigfoots called? I'm thinking an Odor of Bigfoots. Yeah, let's go with that.

So it was with some joy and much sarcasm that I decided to watch Boggy Creek on Amazon Prime this evening. I'm hoping it has something to do with Bigfoot. Or an entire Odor of Bigfoots. Bring me back to my childhood and what-not. Or at least some boobs or something. (Spoiler: no boobs)

These two young women, who appear to live in the middle of nowhere, are off to vacation at this summer house in the middle of nowhere...that appears to be right down the road from the middle of nowhere where they just came from. And one of them invited her stupid family friend/dude who just decides that it's okay to bring his bitchy maybe-hooked-up-with-once girlfriend. AND she invites her asshole boyfriend (played by Texas Battle!!!). She's the worst friend ever!

Have I mentioned the top-notch production value and actin....HAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, I can't even get through that sentence. I've seen late-night infomercials with better production value AND acting. But that's not gonna dissuade me. I knew this was gonna be bad going in. I want to revel in it's awfulness. I want to bathe in it like a rutting pig in shit. What?

Gotta do it. So there's this scene where an, ahem, urban youth goes into the woods at night to take a shit. Of course he's gonna die at the hands of Bigfoot, but when he hears it he shakes his head and says "Probably just a small woodland animal." BWAH-HAHAHAHAHA!!! That alone is worth one pumpkin. Which, I'm sure, is where this turd is gonna wind up. If I'm lucky.

Let me see if I can wrap this movie up in six words: Horny Bigfoot Eats Hearts Like Apples. 

Nailed it!

There's a great Boggy Creek/Bigfoot movie out there. This one, tragically, isn't it. This movie is so bad, it should be in detention.

(This is gold, people. Gold!)

Verdant Dude rating: 1 out of 5 pumpkins

PS - I kinda loved this movie, in a weird way.

Day 14: [REC]³ Genesis

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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I'm going to go on record here as stating that this is a bad fucking idea.

You see, I've seen [Rec], and I freaking loved it.  If you haven't seen it yet you should absolutely stop whatever you are doing right now, including breathing, and watch that film. It's awesome. It's so awesome that even the American remake of it, Quarantine, is awesome by association. But, sad to say, I haven't seen [Rec] 2 yet. I know, I KNOW!!! So yeah, I'm watching the third film in the series without having seen the second one. I kinda know what happens in the second film, but not totally. But I'm hoping that the "Genesis" tag means this is a prequel or something. We shall see. Like I said...this is a bad fucking idea.

I'm also a little wtf about the naming convention here. The film title is proper case, same with the second. But the third is all capitalized, and it uses superscript to denote the order of the film. I'm a little picky about my naming conventions for film series, people. So right away I'm on edge. Repeat after me...bad fucking idea.

[REC]³ starts out with a cute little gimmick. A introduction to Koldo and Clara via their wedding DVD that  even includes the DVD loading screen, which (I hate to admit) confused me for a second. It's late. But I thought it was a pretty interesting way to introduce us to the cast of characters. And the wedding is actually used as a plot device. We see a bandage on the groom's uncle's hand...like he was bitten or something. This is going to be one wacky wedding reception.

The wedding is being filmed by the groom's cousin, Adrián as well as the wedding photographer, Atún. The young cousin has been instructed to film the wedding in a cinema verite style, getting all the behind-the-scenes good stuff. And he finds it. Like his obviously infected uncle vomiting and acting creepy and/or drunk, and a team of scientists in haz-mat suits examining...well, I don't know. The ground? The uncle soon does a back flip from the balcony, bites his wife and we are off to the races, ladies and gentlemen, as a wave of bitey-biteys show up to get their bite on.

In a nod to just about everyone's issue with found-footage films, the groom can't believe his young cousin is filming this massacre. So he promptly wrestles the camera out of his hands and trashes it. A quick title card (22 minutes into the film!), and the film then transitions to traditional cinematography. There are still some security camera and green-hued night-vision shots, but it's mostly traditional. Good job, all around.

*** Warning...here be some mild spoilers ***

So what's animating these, dare I say it, zombies? The first film led us to believe it was some kind of viral outbreak. But here we find that they can't tread on sanctified ground and they are burned by holy water. So it looks like the devil made them do it. I kinda knew that from reading about the second film, but this confirms it.

And I now see where some of the criticism of this film comes from. Unlike the first film (and the second from what I understand), this one is quite a bit more light-hearted and comic. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Return of the Living Dead managed it just fine, and that was way over-the-top. And this film doesn't nearly go into black comedy as much as that film did.

There's a running gag with a children's performer named SpongeJohn (it's a copyright thing), and characters dress up in medieval armor to fight the demonic horde. Fun stuff, in my opinion. I dig a horror film that doesn't take itself so seriously. All in all, I had a good time with this one. Sure, there was some silly stuff in there, but as it turned out it wasn't such a bad fucking idea after all.

Oh...and the "Genesis" tag didn't mean that it was a prequel. It's a parallel story. So they got me there.

PS - Available on Netflix and Amazon Prime Instant.

Verdant Dude rating: 3.5 out of 5 pumpkins

Day 13: The Reeds (2010)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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Yet ANOTHER entry in the After Dark Horrorfest/8 Films to Die For series that is available through Amazon Prime. I've been enjoying the series thus far, even if I haven't found anything truly great or scary. Just some good indie horror flicks.

Nick Cohen directs this tale about a group of six friends who travel to the English wetlands outside of London (I'm assuming here). It's gotta be wetlands because there are lots of marshlands with...you guessed it...reeds. OK, geography clearly isn't my strong point. I have no idea where this is supposed to be, besides someplace in Great Britain. And even then I'm not 100% sure.

Anyway, these six friends rent a boat for the weekend from some shady character. Of course the boat they wanted was...ahem...indisposed. So they had to settle for another boat. And when they find it, it's got a bunch of creepy silent kids hanging out on it. One of them was a redheaded girl that they almost ran over a bit earlier. After shushing them off, they head out into the reeds on their way to some pub on the water where they have a mooring for the night.

WAIT...I just got it. Cabin Crusier in the Reeds! Um...like Cabin in the Woods. It's a take on the classic horror film setting, but on a boat. Get it? No...only me? Moving on...

Things start to go bad when they can't find their way through the marsh in the daytime, and then they run aground of something at night. Something that drives a spike through the bottom of their boat in into the first guy we knew was gonna get killed. Because he was a jackass, ya see. Sorry for the spoiler, but if you made it this far then you deserve a prize. Not because the movie is that awful. It's just this fucking review. I guess 13 isn't a lucky number for a movie review this month, eh?  All I know is that this boat trip is looking like a bad fucking idea right about now. That marsh is like a crazy maze.

Lots of ways this one could go. Creepy kids channeling their inner Children of the Corn terrorize the boaters? Supernatural things that go bump in the night-time reeds? Wild and/or evil animals of some kind out on the prowl? You just don't know...until you watch the movie. And I have to admit, this one did a pretty good job of giving me the creeps, but it was also incredibly uneven. So many different plot angles were thrown in and it really resulted in a mixed bag. Wasn't really awful, but it wasn't really good either.

Verdant Dude rating: 2 out of 5 pumpkins

Day 12: Chernobyl Diaries (2012)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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HBO Go added a handful of new horror titles for the month of October, with Chernobyl Diaries being one of them.  Another in the long, dreary line of found-footage horror films that everyone is bored with by now. But they are still a guilty pleasure of mine, for some reason. Most of them suck, but I dig the idea behind them all. And it cracks me up that Slyde thought The Blair Witch Project was real when we saw it in the theater on opening night. Not me...no way. OK, I was about 75% sure it was fake. Stupid mockumentary on the SciFi Channel fucked me up.

Oh, hi Chernobyl Diaries! How you doing? Ah, care-free, young Americans traveling through Europe. Recording the entire trip for posterity. Gee, I hope they are going to be okay. (Note: they aren't going to be okay)

Looks like I may have been wrong about the "found-footage" thing. The film drops that artifice directly after the opening credits. Which is nice, I guess. Except that it is still being filmed like one of the group is running around with camcorder, and that everyone is ignoring him or her. So found-footage-esque, I guess. You know, you can make fun of found-footage films all you want. "Oh, there is no way they would still be filming this right now!" But at least most of them have the balls to stick with it. Whatever.

And now, a conversation that would never ever happen with my friends and I:

Friend 1 - "Hey, how about we all go to Chernobyl with this guy Yuri in his van?"
Friend 2 - "Why not, I mean...we ARE in Europe!"

"You know what else is in Europe? ABOUT A MILLION FUCKING COOL PLACES THAT AREN'T RADIOACTIVE!!! How's about we hop a train to Belgium for some brewskis, eh pal? Oh, and let's not touch that creepy looking dead fish by the side of the river. I'm sure it's not contaminated or anything."

Enough of that rant. On the plus side, the filming locations seemed to be incredibly realistic. It was filmed in Hungary and Serbia in some abandoned building or neighborhoods. It looked really impressive. Kind of how you would imagine the city of Pripyat in the Ukraine would look several decades after the evacuation in 1986. So kudos to the filmmakers on that. Abandoned civilization is the fucking creepiest.

You probably have a good idea what's coming next. Lots of freaky, mutant, radioactive, cannibalistic things. And not one of those words is good. The film had me on the edge of my seat for a good portion of the second and third acts. Which is pretty much all I ask for in a horror film. And just remember kids, if the radiation don't kill ya then the radioactive mutants will.

Verdant Dude rating: 3.5 out of 5 pumpkins

Day 11: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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Let's begin this review with a simple statement on my part. I'm not expecting this film to be any good. In fact, I'm expecting it to be goddamn awful...as a horror film. But I am expecting it to be fun. Or at least I'm hoping that it's going to be fun. And at the most, I'm hoping that it is going to be laughable. You see, there are bad films and then there are bad films. I like bad films, but only when they aren't truly bad. Get it? Yeah, I know. Kinda like trying to wrap your brain around the notion that our 16th President could have had his humble beginnings as a vampire hunter. So it's best to leave said brain at said door when it comes to films like this.

Consider my brain checked.

Nope. I can't stop thinking. Was Gerald Ford a zombie killer? How about Grover Cleveland. Did he kill werewolves as a boy? I feel like Ronald Reagan killed my youth, does that count? I ignored US History as a kid, even though I later learned to appreciate it. But a young Earl would have been much, MUCH more interested in what the Presidents were doing in their off-time if it included monster hunting. Where were we? Oh, yes...watching a silly movie.

Hey, I just saw that this one was directed by Timur Bekmambetov. That name may not mean much to you, but he did two exceedingly fun horror/action flicks back in Russia. Night Watch and it's even better sequel, Day Watch. Reminded me that there has been a third film planned for a while, but since Timur is wasting his time making crap like this and Wanted (it had a Loom of Fate!!!), well...

What was I doing again? Oh, yeah...Abe Lincoln killing himself some vampires. After his mother was killed by a vampire when he was a boy, he is introduced to the world of vampire-killing by his mentor, Henry Sturges. Then he's introduced to a fetching young lady named Mary Todd. And he and she are going to have a very bad day at the theater later on in life, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate when movies fuck with long-established horror tropes for no goddamned reason? Like letting vampires walk around in broad daylight? Yeah, unless there's a good reason for that then I'm going to hate it. And I saw no good reason for it in this film. They fuck with a bunch of other well-known vampire superstitions as well, but that one really bothers me. Vampires should be creatures of the night. Not pale dudes wearing sunglasses at a Sunday BBQ.

And I'm not really quite sure why Honest Abe was so adept at killing awesomely powerful supernatural beings. Sure, he hated them because they killed his mother. Hate's a powerful mutha-fuckah, but I'm not sure it's enough to explain how he did the things he did in this film.

But what I really want to know is this: How the hell did Daniel Day-Lewis win an Academy Award for this pile of highly-stylized, low-rent crap?

Verdant Dude rating: 1.5 out of 5 pumpkins

Day 10: The Guard Post (2008)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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One of the things I told myself when I started this series was that I was going to watch as many South Korean horror films as are available to me on the streaming options that I have. The problem is that I've already seen just about every South Korean horror film available to me. I'm a fan. And not just of their horror films. I've seen some really good stuff in many different genres coming out of South Korea. Here's one I had never even heard of before, and the plot summary was enough to grab me by the balls without letting go. 

A band of soldiers assigned to the De-militarized Zone between North and South Korea are called to investigate an incident at one of the many guard posts (GP506, to be exact) in the DMZ. What they find is a horrific pile of dead bodies with one blood-soaked man standing over them holding an axe.  In a panic, shots are fired and the crazed man winds up in a coma. A military investigator and his assistant are brought in to find out exactly what happened. We are about 3 minutes into the movie right now. Holy crap!

The investigator is basically told that he has only this one night to find the truth of what happened at GP506. After that, the government is going to cover it up. If they actually even WANT the truth, that is. Maybe they can't handle the truth. Son, they live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Yoo? They have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Kang, and you curse the Mar...sorry, I seem to have gotten stuck in the wrong movie review there for a little bit. I'll try not to let it happen again. 

But, like that other film, there are political reasons that the government wants this case wrapped up quickly. Another survivor of the massacre is found, and we learn that he was the commanding officer of GP506. He's also the son of one of the big muckety-mucks up the line in the government. Not good. And we also see, through flashbacks, that there was an illegal post shooting at their North Korean counterparts. Yup. But all similarities end there, fortunately.

From there, actually, the film started reminding me of two other films. The Thing and Dog Soldiers. For various reasons, but certainly the atmosphere had a lot to do with it. Trapped in an isolated place. Stalked by an unknown terror or even worse...your comrades. Lots of good stuff here.

One complaint could have something entirely due with the transfer over to digital streaming, but I'm not sure. Every time the camera panned, the motion was all jumpy and it made it difficult to watch. But maybe the filmmakers actually wanted us viewers to squirm. I certainly didn't need it. So I'm going to blame it on Netflix or whomever prepared this streaming HD version. Awful. 

But that's about only real complaint that I have. The film was well-placed and had some excellent acting. I'm the kind of guy that prefers subtitles with my foreign films, but if you prefer to have them dubbed, then you might have an issue with that as well. It made me no never mind. You have to pay attention though. The film jumps back and forth between the present and flashbacks very often. And that can be confusing with foreign-language films.  

Verdant Dude rating: 4 out of 5 pumpkins

Day 9: American Mary (2012)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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I had read a little something about this one and it's sister director team (Jen and Sylvia Soska) last year. Then our good friend Poppy reminded me about it recently, and mentioned it was available on Netflix Instant. Go time!

Mary is a medical school student with a massive pile of debt. To make some quick cash, she gets into the underground body modification game. EXTREME body modifications. As in, I know this movie is gonna make me sick to my stomach. But there are no lengths that I won't go to for my art. You're gonna owe me one after this. Yes, you.

After an impromptu bit of emergency surgery performed in the basement of a strip club, Mary gets approached by a body-mod fetishist who throws some serious cash her way to do some work on a friend of hers. Another fetishist who wants to be de-sexualized by having her nipples removed and her vagina closed up as much as possible. Basically, she wants to look as smooth as a Barbie doll underneath her clothes. Kooky, right?

After the surgery, she gets drugged at a party and is raped by her former teacher and mentor. She gets her revenge by practicing her new art of extreme body modifications on him. The whole affair obviously affects her deeply, so she drops out of medical school and creates a niche for herself as an underground body mod specialist. Makes a big name for herself amongst that community as someone who is willing to things for her clients that no other doctor would do.

Things eventually go bad for Mary, as things do. Besides being investigated by the police for the disappearance of her former professor, she also has the husband of one of her clients after her. He was none-too-thrilled with the work that she did on his wife and he's looking to take it out on her. Wackiness ensues.  

It's interesting to see how the subject matter of men sexualizing women was handled by the Soska sisters rather than your typical male writer/director. It's a brutal film, but they brought a certain deft touch to it. They certainly showed some skill as filmmakers, and I'm looking forward to whatever kind of craziness that they come up with next.

Verdant Dude rating: 3.5 out of 5 pumpkins

Day 8: The Ward (2010)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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Still reeling from the toad-licking crapfest that was yesterday's offering, I strolled through my Netflix Instant queue to see if there was anything that might ease my pain, so to speak. There wasn't. I even considered watching an old standy-by and pretending that I hadn't seen it already, just for this 31 in 31 series. But I'm not quite that desperate...not yet. So I went with the one and only John Carpenter film that I have never seen, The Ward. Even though I have NOT heard good things about it.

Oddly, I'm pretty jazzed to watch this. The opening scene of the various halls and rooms of the psychiatric hospital is technically evocative of his earlier work in films like Halloween, Assault on Precinct 13 and The Thing. So I'm in a good place to start with. And I have a gigantic glass of bourbon next to me. That should make things easier. I mean, he didn't use Panavision on this one. So it's not REALLY Carpenter-ish, but it's close enough for wakka-wakka.

In this corner, we have a troubled young woman (Amber Heard) who likes to light fires. In the other corner. The North Bend Psychiatric Hospital which may have a bit of a ghost problem. There was literally no reason for using a boxing reference there. Except that I'm already bored. So forget about that whole "I'm in a good place" thing. Although I will have to say that my favorite inmate in the women's ward so far is played by an interesting-looking actress named Marnie Gummer. She almost looks like a young version of Meryl Streep. Which, yup...she's her daughter. So there's that.

Wait a minute...shower scene! Except without any frontal or buttal nudity. Just a wee bit of side-boob. That's seems hard to do and totally unnecessary. These horror flicks are supposed to be gratuitous, or did John Carpenter forget that. Wait, he never did give us a naked Jamie Lee Curtis, Adrienne Barbeau or Kurt Russell now that I think about it. So why am I such a fan of his again? It's escaping me right now. And I may be thinking about Adrienne Barbeau's boobs. So I could be occupied for a while, okay?

Back to the storyline, I guess. There's this dead girl named Alice who is hunting down the other girls in the ward. Through a series of flash-backs, we see that she was tortured and raped by some gigantic sloth of a man. Or was she? And what do the girls have to do with it? And why would Alice hate the new girl? Those questions, mes amis, are something you are going to have to find out for yourself.

Overall, I enjoyed it. It was kinda boring at times, but that's what the bourbon is for. I did dig the way it was shot, but I was slightly disappointed that Carpenter himself didn't write the score. A Carpenter flick without a Carpenter score just isn't complete. Deducting a half a pumpkin for that very reason.

Verdant Dude rating: 2.5 out of 5 pumpkins

Day 7: Shadow (2009)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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I nearly stopped watching this one after five minutes when the protagonist stops into a bar during a biking trip in the mountains and orders a beer. The bartender complies with a hearty "okay" and hands him a generic beer. That's something that would literally never happen in any bar. "Sure, what kind of beer would you like?" or "I'm not a fucking mind-reader!" would be more appropriate responses. Especially since two guys walk in right after him and also order beers...and the bartender gives them different beers! Ugh...fucking lazy!

Sorry, that's just a silly pet peeve of mine when it comes to bar scenes in movies. Like when someone orders a whiskey and the bartender just grabs a random bottle and starts pouring. Doesn't happen. Moving on...

Another odd thing about the film is that it is an Italian production, but everyone is speaking English. And the protagonist is clearly supposed to be American. And his love interest is very French. And the bad guys seem to be Eastern European of some kind. Or Australian. They did a lot of growling, so it was hard to tell. It's just a fucking grab-bag of accents and ethnic groups going on for no apparent reason. Moving on...

An American Iraqi war veteran (clearly fighting in Italy from the look of the flash-backs) goes on a biking trip in the mountains where he meets the love of his life who is also out biking on her own.  They run afoul of some hunters (whom they had already run afoul of back at the bar), and the game is afoot. The game, of course, is being chased around the mountains by homicidal maniacs. I love that game.

Except that they get chased into an area of the mountains where even the bad guy's loyal dog won't go. Because there's something even more sinister than the evil hunters out there. You can tell it's sinister because of all the fog. Oh, the hunters were British and American, by the way. I suck at first impressions. Doesn't matter. They're not the REAL bad guys anyway, if ya dig. Just more fodder for the actual bogeyman. A real creepy-looking skinny dude with a penchant for torture. Yup...looks like this is turning out to be a torture porn flick. Sigh.

Oh, and there's this. The creepy evil dude gets his ya-yas from licking toads.

His interests also include Italian opera, crafting life-sized dioramas using human corpses and watching old filmed footage of war atrocities. He's a keeper, ladies. I read somewhere that this guy, a Swiss singer/dancer (!!!) named Nuot Arquint, spent 5 months preparing for this role. I wonder how many toads he licked during that time. Because he really nailed that scene. 

This film has no redeeming qualities. It cannot be recommended in any way. I want my 77 minutes back, please. Thinking back on it, the bar scene at the beginning was the high point. Gimme a beer...

Verdant Dude rating: 0 out of 5 pumpkins

Day 6: World War Z (2013)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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What's this? A gigantic Hollywood blockbuster amidst all the low-budget/indie horror that I've been watching so far? That's right. Decided to rent the unrated version of World War Z from Amazon Instant in HD. I've been wanting to see it since it came out, but I don't get to the movies that often anymore. So I splurged a little bit. And I'm glad I did.

I had read the book by Max Brooks a few summers ago, but the film isn't really an adaptation of that. It would be almost impossible to properly adapt that book to the big screen. But this film took some of the central points, created a storyline surrounding one former U.N. investigator and went from there. It was a good decision too.

I've got a few zombie rules that I like my zombie movies to follow. Let's have a little refresher course.

The Zombie Rules

1. Zombies are the Undead. They are animated corpses who hunger for human flesh. What animates them? Pure evil? A virus? Electro-magnetic impulses? Who knows. But that is what a zombie is. The living dead. 28 Days Later, while a fantastic film at times, is NOT a zombie film. Those people are still alive. The virus makes them crazy and blood-thirsty, but it doesn't kill them. Eventually they die of starvation when they don't get enough to eat, but that's it. They ain't zombies.
2. To kill a zombie you have to destroy their brain. Whatever it is that is animating these corpses is controlled in the brain somehow. You can chop off their arms, shoot them in the chest, or piss in their face. That's ain't gonna stop them. The only thing that is gonna stop them is a well placed bullet, arrow, crowbar or knitting needle to the brain. That's it! If they can be killed (?!?) any other way, then they ain't zombies.
3. A zombie can be slow and lumbering or it can be just as fast as the body of it's previous owner. I really don't care. Just as long as they are scary and they crave human flesh. What a zombie CANNOT have is super-human strength or speed. Why would a zombie be super-strong? I've seen some zombie films in which the zombies can easily rip the head off of a human. Do you know how hard it is to rip somebody's head off? I've had some experience with this and it ain't easy. If your zombie is super-strong or super-fast, then it probably ain't a zombie.

Are we clear? I SAID ARE WE CLEAR? Good. I thought World War Z did pretty well adhering to my zombie rules. The way it treated the spread of the infection was certainly unique when compared to other films. Much faster, in fact the way that the zombie horde acted  was like a rapid infection in the body attacking healthy cells. I thought that was pretty cool. The zombies here were fast, but not super-fast or super-strong. They certainly were super-determined though. Bashing their heads through windshields, jumping off of roofs, impaling themselves on fences...anything to get a bite off of a fresh victim. Anything to spread the infection.

The story arc of the protagonist, played very well by Brad Pitt, was...well, ridiculous. I was reminded of the awful action flick 2012 and how John Cusack and his gang kept escaping cataclysmic event after cataclysmic event just in the nick of time. This was like that. From Philadelphia to South Korea to Jerusalem to an attack on an airliner to surviving the crash of that airliner...well, good thing it's a zombie flick. It's not supposed to be believable, kids. Ridiculous as it was, it sure was exciting and fun. I didn't even have a problem with Pitt's "solution" to surviving the zombies that so many viewers had. It made about as much sense as a zombie outbreak, so cool your jets folks.

The film had some fairly substantial production problems, including re-working the entire third act. But the eventual success at the box office ensured that the sequel (and it's sequel) would happen. And that's pretty cool. Because this was a big-budget zombie flick done right, in my opinion.

Verdant Dude rating: 4 out of 5 pumpkins

Day 5: The Broken (2007)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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Another indie gem(?) from the After Dark Horrorfest/8 Films to Die For series available on Amazon Prime. I'm not gonna lie, I've got high hopes for this one. Mostly built on the stellar cast which includes Lena Headey, Richard Jenkins and Lobo Chan. OK, I have no idea who Lobo Chan is. I just love the name. If I ever have a kid, I'm naming him or her Lobo Chan. He or she would become an MMA champion or an assassin or a celebrity chef with a handle like that. Or maybe they would become an opera singer.

The film begins with a bit of complicated exposition. The very British Lena Headey and her equally British brother plan a surprise birthday party for their very American father. I guess Richard Jenkins couldn't do a British accent, but the filmmakers REALLY wanted him in their film. So they give him a job at the American Embassy in London. Seems...complicated. Did his children spend their entire lives in London with him? I guess. Let's just accept it and move on.

Soon after the party, Headey sees her exact double on the streets of London. She follows her, and sees she drives the same car and has photos of her and her father in her flat. How very British of me to use the word "flat" instead of apartment, yes? This, not surprisingly, unsettles her to the very nth degree, and she gets into a horrible car accident right afterward. Well, it looked horrible. Head-on collision. But she's out of the hospital with minor injuries after only a day. With some memory issues of what happened prior to the crash. Handy.

It turns out that she isn't the only one experiencing double-mint weirdness. Her entire family and some neighbors (Lobo Chan!) are as well. Duplicates or clones or snatched bodies or Evil Spocks are everywhere! And it's all to do with the fucking mirrors. Mirrors! Get it?


Here's something that really annoyed me with the film. The score included these terrifically loud crescendos that would build and build leading to...nothing. Well, later on in the film they did. But for the first act of the film they didn't, and it was really annoying. I kept lowering the volume after or during them, and then found myself raising it again for the next scene to hear the dialogue. Mickey Mousing of the very worst kind. I'm deducting a full pumpkin from my rating for this crap.

But if living in a world with two Lena Headeys is wrong, then I don't wanna be right. So that right there is worthy of one additional pumpkin on it's own. It all evens out in the end.

Turns out I didn't love it like I was hoping, but I didn't hate it either. It was well-acted and well-paced with a halfway decent twisteroo. Nothing groundbreaking, just generally decent.

Verdant Dude rating: 2.5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Day 4: Dead Silence (2007)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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Found on HBO Go. If you haven't already figured it out, I'm using my three available streaming options for this little 31 in 31 project. Besides HBO Go I'm also using Amazon Prime and Netflix. Not that any of that really matters. I just figured I'd put it out there to rot. Like a pear on a windowsill. Huh?

I mostly picked this one because it's about a homicidal ventriloquist dummy, and there is nothing creepier than a ventriloquist dummy. OK...maybe a clown. Hey, imagine if someone made up a ventriloquist dummy like a clown. That would be super-fucking cree...HOLY FUCK!!!

I call this one "Clown and Clown"

As the film begins, Jason Stackhouse and his wifey have an anonymous package dropped off at their door, and inside is a ventriloquist dummy. Instead of immediately burning it and everything that it touched in a bonfire, they decide it's kinda cool. Big fucking mistake. Especially since Jason Stackhouse tells Detective Donnie Wahlberg that ventriloquist dummies are a bad omen in the town that he's from. That they bring death to those around them. What fucking town is he from? EdgarBergenVille?

Nope. It's Raven's Fair, the former home of crazy Mary Shaw and Billy, her ventriloquist dummy. And it looks like old Mary is back up to her old tricks with the help of her dummy. Even though she died in 1941. Dum dum DAAAAH! Yeah, the dummy that showed up in the package was Billy. He was buried in a separate grave next to Mary Shaw, but someone dug him up to send to Mr. Stackhouse. That's just fucking wrong!

Crazy Mary Shaw had two final requests upon her death.  To have all of her 101 dolls buried with her, and to have the mortician do a taxidermy job on her so that she could become a doll in death herself. That's one weird chick, man. Even since her death, the town has had a dark cloud hanging over it. Entire families killed with their tongues torn out and arranged in death for family photos.

Phew...that's a lot of exposition I just gave you there. I guess all you really need to know about this film is that a crazy ventriloquist and her dummy are killing people from the grave. Your basic ghost story. With ventriloquist dummies. The film has some decent scares, but it's pretty average in most every single way.

By the way, I typed "ventriloquist" about a dozen times for this review. And I spelled it correctly about half the time. Yay for me!

Verdant Dude rating: 2.5 out of 5 pumpkins
  

Day 3: The Traveler (2010)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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Okay, I'm gonna be honest here. I picked this one because it features a late-career Val Kilmer, and because I'm more than a little drunk. This may or may not affect my review of this film. (Psst...it may)

First things first. I watched this on Netflix Instant and realized that I had started watching it several months ago and stopped watching it after 3 minutes. Basically after the opening credits ran. This is not a good sign. Not at all.

VAL KILMER IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!

Sorry...I'm gonna try not to let that happen again. Much.

A stranger walks into a police station and says he's guilty of murder. Stay with me. This is gonna be HI-larious. He looks glorious, by the way. With his big puffy face and his long luxurious locks. It's like I'm looking in a mirror and Val Kilmer is looking back at me.

VAL FUCKING KILMER!!!

Again...sorry. I said I was more than a little drunk.

Wow. I'm thinking this movie cost about $20 to make. It all takes place in and around a prison during a rain storm. Maybe they had to produce the rain. That might cost some extra bucks. Maybe not. I'm not a fucking movie producer.

Holy shit...this crap has almost an hour left in it. And Val Kilmer hasn't really killed anyone yet. That I know about. He sure as shit killed my buzz. Did I mention that I was drinking?

Whatever...what follows is the silliest fucking movie you've ever seen.

EVEN IF VAL FUCKING KILMER WAS IN IT!!!

Verdant Dude rating: 0.5 out of 5 pumpkins

Day 2: Kill Theory (2009)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

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Found this film on Amazon Prime as a part of the "After Dark Horrorfest/8 Films to Die For" series. Which has actually produced some pretty good horror flicks over it's four-year run. We'll have to see if Kill Theory is up to snuff, if ya know what I mean.

 It's your classic "Young Adults in a Cabin in the Woods Stalked by a Killer"^tm formula. Or something like that. A bunch of soon-to-be-graduating college kids head off for a weekend to a summer house that one of the kids has. Three attractive couples and their fat friend, Freddy. Oops...the guy with house has a white-trash step-sister (played by Taryn Manning, duh!), who is also staying at the house for the weekend. So that makes eight little Indians for the killer to play with. Even numbers are just sooo much more pleasing to the palate when it comes to slasher flicks, don't you agree?

But there's a twist to the formula here. The killer, who killed his own friends back in the day before some time in the loony bin, is offering the sacrificial lambs a choice. Kill their friends or die with them. Using their fear against them in some sadistic game of death. Honestly, not bad as slasher flick twists go. Slasher flick twists. Try saying THAT five times fast. Now try it in your underwear. Now try it while eating some chocolate marshmallow ice cream. I'll wait.

Okay, maybe it's not such a great or original twist. At least not since the Saw franchise made about a bazillion dollars using it. At least I got you to say "slasher flick twists" in compromising situations.

What would you do? Seems simple enough. Stick together, don't panic, wait it out in some safe area with your back against the wall or something, or actively hunt the hunter. But panic sets in, especially for the fat friend Freddy, and all hell busts loose. The killer, for his part, stays calm and stays three steps ahead of the Scooby Gang (they even have a retro van!). Sowing enough dissent among the gang that they begin to turn on each other. One of the gang was especially easy to turn to the Dark Side. Then again, he looked like an asshole from the very beginning.

It's not high art, not even by slasher flick standards. But it's not half-bad either. No huge surprises, but nothing really to bitch at either.

Verdant Dude rating: 2.5 our of 5 pumpkins