Oct 20, 2013

Day 20: Fingerprints (2006)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

Found on Amazon Prime Instant. It had a creepy no-eyes kid on the film poster, and that was enough for me. The film is based on an actual urban legend (or is that an oxymoron?) centered around San Antonio, Texas. The legend goes a little something like this: A school bus filled with children is killed in a collision with a train. Residents claim that if a driver stops their car in neutral on that same set of tracks, the ghosts of the children would push the vehicle to safety. Some even claim to have found tiny fingerprints on the their vehicles after it happened. I dunno. Seems like some pretty freaking benevolent ghosts. How are they going to make a horror movie out of that?

Call me skeptical.

I'm pretty sure they are using comic sans as the font for the opening credits. Looks more like the beginning of "Too Close For Comfort" or some other bad 80's sit-com than a top-notch horror film. Or a Lifetime Movie of the Week. Strike one and we are barely three minutes into the film. Not good.

Melanie is coming back home after a stint at rehab. She appears to have had exactly one bad experience with heroin which necessitated her trip to rehab. I guess one is all you need with heroin. I've got no idea, and I'm not going to find out. But she doesn't appear to be an addict of any kind.

Oh, no way...Geoffrey Lewis is in this as an old bum! Man, I actually met Geoffrey Lewis once back in the early 1980's. My best friend's cousin was his agent or publicist or something, and they both were at some party at my friend's parent's house. No one really knew who he was except me. He was Mike Ryerson from Salem's Lot fer crissakes! I can't believe he's playing bums in movies that look like they were made for basic cable. Strike two.

Melanie keeps on seeing one of the ghost kids from the bus crash legend. And there's a dicky guy with a faux-hawk who is clearly going to be the first one to die. And another guy who is just so dreamy that he only moves in slow-motion whenever Melanie sees him. He's probably a secret bad guy. And a bitchy cheerleader who was incredibly wasted when we get introduced to her, but it doesn't stop her from tormenting Melanie for her drug rehab stint by calling her a...freak. Shut yo mouth! She is going to die second. I may get the order of her and faux-hawk wrong*. Doesn't matter as I plan on drinking heavily through the rest of this crap-fest.

Fun facts: Lou Diamond Phillips was nominated for a Golden Globe for Stand and Deliver. Sally Kirkland won a Golden Globe and was nominated for an Academy Award for her role in Anna. What does this have to do with anything? Not much. Except that they are both in this piece of shit. A veritable case study in what happens on the downswing of so many Hollywood careers. Lesson learned. I think.

Oh...there's an actual killer someplace in this mess. And he or she is dressed up in what appears to be Revolutionary War garb. Or a train conductor. It's difficult to tell...but this bourbon sure tastes good. Might be time for bed.

Strike three. I'm out.

*I wasn't wrong in the order. You're welcome.

Verdant Dude rating: 0 out of 5 pumpkins


Poppy said...

I shall pass on this. Thank you for sacrificing a bit of your life to bring me this review!

Verdant Earl said...

Poppy - I aim to please.