Oct 25, 2013

Day 25: House (2007)

Can a once-prolific blogger who hasn't written 31 posts all year find it in his soul to review 31 previously unseen horror films in 31 days of October? Let's find out...

I was getting tired of the offerings on HBO Go, Netflix and Amazon Prime Instant so I decided to see what Crackle had available for streaming. The answer: not much. But I've seen this film available at various times over the years, and I've always assumed it was the comedy/horror from the 1980's featuring William Katt and one of the gang from Cheers. Or maybe that show on FOX with the dickhead doctor. On further inspection, it seems to be a part of the Michael Madsen Does Anything for a Buck Tourtm. This came out in 2007 and it's the 101st title on his IMDB page. Meaning he's done 100 titles SINCE he did this 6-7 years ago. This guy must have some huge drug habit to feed. Kids...I meant huge kids. Don't hurt me, Mr. Madsen!

My first bit of commentary is with Crackle itself. The movies are uncut, unedited (isn't that the same thing?) and FREE. They also feature a couple of minutes of commercials every 10 minutes or so. Booooring! This will most likely be my last Crackle experience. It's exactly why I hate Hulu Plus. Commercials are the devil!

This movie is gonna be bad. I know it's gonna be bad. And I'm going to hate the commercials. BUT, it's got Michael Madsen chewing up scenery AND the triumphant return of the pairing of Leslie Easterbrook and Bill Mosely from The Devil's Rejects! The cast alone is B-movie gold. I'm in. So let me just go pour myself a huge bourbon and we'll continue.

Two couples arrive by suspicious circumstances at an isolated farmhouse inn run by the creepiest family this side of the aforementioned Fireflys. They obviously come from a world in which "crazy serial killer family" movies don't exist, because there is literally NO WAY that anyone from this dimension would ever spend more than 20 seconds in that house. And the "crazy serial killer family" isn't all that these kids have to worry about. They are also being stalked by a local serial killer/urban legend named The Tin Man who may or may not be a part of the family. Who may or may not be undead of some variety. Who may or may not be part of some satanic cult.

There is A LOT going on in this kooky funhouse of a movie! And one of the commercials that just played was a PSA featuring two parents talking about their daughter that died from meningitis. She became sick on Tuesday and was gone on Wednesday. Holy fuck! Does that really happen? Way scarier than anything this movie could throw at us!

OK, so I really can't recommend this film. I just know you are going to hate it. But, in some sick and twisted way...I kinda loved it. It was a ridiculous smorgasbord of horror film tropes and it didn't really work, but I kinda loved it. Maybe that huge glass of bourbon helped.

Verdant Dude rating: 3.5 out of 5 utterly ridiculous pumpkins

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