Jan 28, 2008

Stand up, sit down, wipe wipe wipe!!!

Don't know why I remembered this the other day, but it sure made me laugh when I did. It's a college story, so college humor is involved. College humor is often disgusting, so if you would like to ignore the rest of this post I will understand.


Here we go. My senior year, I lived in a townhouse with six other guys. We weren't the rowdiest bunch. We weren't the most disgusting bunch. But any time you get seven guys living together in a house, shit is gonna happen.

This one time, two of my housemates were fighting about something stupid. Had to do with something in the kitchen, but it actually got physical. Punches were thrown, somebody got tackled into a wall, and they finally wound up busting through the bathroom door. Where I had been taking a shit.

Not much happened after that. The fight got broken up somehow and everybody kinda forgot about it. Until later that week.

I was telling the story to a friend while we were out drinking, and I got up to the part where they busted through the bathroom door and interrupted my private moment.

Me: "So, I'm standing there, you know, wiping my ass, when..."
Friend: "Wait a minute! You stand up when you wipe your ass?"
Me: "Um, yeah. Why? How do you wipe your ass?"
Friend: "I sit and lean to one side while I wipe. You stand up? Who the fuck stands up?"
Me: "I stand up. How the hell do you take care of business by sitting and leaning to one side? There's no way that you can clean the works that way."
Friend: "Hang on. We gotta ask some people. I'm gonna prove you're a freak!"

Guess how we spent the rest of the night? That's right. Asking everyone we knew and just about anyone else if they stand or sit when they wipe. I wonder if any of the ladies we asked thought it was a pick-up line? "Hey, ladies! Let me ask you a question. After a big crap, do you wipe your ass while sitting on the toilet or do you stand up to take care of business? Correct answer gets you a kamikaze shot!"

I didn't get laid a lot in college, if you were wondering.

Turned out to be about a 50-50 split. I guess it's all based upon how you were initially taught when potty training. But until that time, I had never really thought about it. I had never witnessed anyone else wiping their ass so I assumed that everyone wiped the way I wiped. Same thing with my friend. We just couldn't conceive that there was more than one way to wipe an ass.

On a related note, last year I hurt my right thumb while playing a game of video golf. Don't ask. Whenever I had to do anything with my right hand other than point, I experienced a great deal of pain. Wiping my ass was one of these painful activities. So I tried using my left hand. Gotta tell you, I have never felt like more of a retard than when I was trying to wipe my ass with my left hand. I just couldn't get it done. So I sucked it up and dealt with the pain. I guess, for me, there isn't more than one way to wipe an ass.

Whaddya think? Too much information?

PS - Gonna keep reminding you about MovieGrendade! It's what I do.


Bruce Johnson said...

Just for the record....I stand as well.

Seals said...

I'm a sitter but I go at it from the front instead of the back. My wife thinks this is barbaric, even though she'd never say anything to me about it.

(Supposedly, it's more important for woman so they don't get any poop in their cooters. Technical terms, you know?)

Your story didn't feel like TMI, but mine did. Huh.

Slyde said...

we've had this discussion once before.

i'll say it again. yes, standing up makes you a freak...

Mermaid Melanie said...

use the right hand, and lean. my son likes to stand.

i think its a fear of monsters in his case. go to the chiropractor for your damaged hand.

Suzi Q said...

I don't even know what to say... I'm laughing...

Verdant Earl said...

Lotus - Thanks for being so official and leaving it on the record. ;)

ajooja - yeah, really. I can't believe you went there.

Slyde - That's Super-Freak to you, sir.

Mel - My hand is fine now. But for about a month...woof!

Paige - Well, you should say whether you stand or sit. How about that? ;)

Em said...

Ya, you gotta sit and lean, to get your ass cheeks to spread apart a little.

When a friend's brother had his first daughter after 2 boys, his wife reminded him to wipe front to back when changing her. He wasn't sure why at first. It's because nobody likes a shitty cunt.

How's that for TMI?? lol

Verdant Earl said...

Ashley - welcome to my world. Shitty cunt, eh? Nice!

elizabeth said...


FourLeafClover said...

Oh...dear..goodness... you reminded me so much of my college days. Best post ever!

I'm a sitter. And I'm pottytraining my boy... wonder if I'm going to twist his future wiping ways.

Verdant Earl said...

Liz - too much?

4Leaf - someone should do a study on this matter. OK...maybe not.

TK Kerouac said...

I stand but use "wet wipes", it gets the job done.

sorry, but you asked

Verdant Earl said...

TK - Wet wipes are a good addition. I keep 'em in my bathroom too!

Elise said...

Oh my God! I had the exact same conversation with my housemates when I was at Uni! No lie!

There were 7 of us living in a big house and we got into random conversations one night during a power cut and that was one of them.

It was about 50/50 too... And no I'm not telling you what I do! xx

Verdant Earl said...

Elise - Fine! Be that way. ;) Seems to have been a popular topic at school, for some reason.