Mar 3, 2008

Pet Rules

I was gonna post a little something about the nature of man, the existence of God and the complex relationship between the two. But instead, I decided to post one of those forwarded emails that we all get 100 times a day. There is something to be said for "simple". Enjoy - Earl

An Open Letter to Our Pets

(To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height for your animals)

Dear Cats and Dogs,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

  • They live here. You don't.
  • If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture)
  • I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
  • To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak very clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
  1. Eat less.
  2. Don't ask for money all the time.
  3. Are easier to train.
  4. Normally come when called.
  5. Never ask to drive the car.
  6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
  7. Don't smoke or drink.
  8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
  9. Don't want to wear your clothes.
  10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college. And finally...
  11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

(This is why we never can make our bed. Or sleep there, really. - Earl)


white rabbit said...

An open letter to our pets?

*confidential whisper*

mine are illiterate :-O

Verdant Earl said...

White Rabbit - They just pretend they can't read. Very hush-hush about all their abilities, really. It's why we let them lounge around the house all day instead of getting out there and earning a buck.

Slyde said...

cute letter, but you complain about me posting Youtube links my MY site?

Now you're resorting to posting SPAM, for god sakes!

Verdant Earl said...

Slyde - yeah, but THIS was funny.

white rabbit said...

Well I did catch the cat reading Mallarmé's L'après-midi d'un faune the other day but that's in French so doesn't count...

Verdant Earl said...

When it comes to French Symbolists, our cats prefer Baudelaire.

Snooty effin cats!

FourLeafClover said...

Lol! Brilliant!

RW said...

Aren't pets that read cool!? I love when they do that! :-)

Verdant Earl said...

4leaf - Wish I could take credit or it.

RW - Syd likes to check out what we are doing on the laptop every now and again, but mostly he just sleeps all day. ;)

Bruce Johnson said...

Amen brother......

Ookami Snow said...

Now only if they would learn to use the bathroom themselves.

Verdant Earl said...

Lotus - I hear ya!

ookami - I've never really minded cleaning up the litter box. Cats are pretty clean. The toilet would be nice, though.

Julie said...

On YouTube there are tens of cats who can use the toilet - true, and some can even flush. No litter bill, no litter trays. My kind of cats, though at the moment we only have dogs due to them having eaten the cats.

Suzi Q said...

I LOVE THIS POST! I totally agree with the things that should be said to non pet owners!

Verdant Earl said...

Julie - The dogs ate the cats? Horrors!

Paige - I never understood people asking "Can you put your dog away while I'm here?"

Mermaid Melanie said...

I think you need a papason chair. my cat loved it, and I didn't have to kick him off the bed as regularly.

thats a big cat. or is it a dog?

Verdant Earl said...

Mel - That's Syd! He's a large cat, he is...23-24 pounds worth. And what is a papason chair? Gotta go google.

Poppy said...

I approve of this post.

My cats are my kids.

Verdant Earl said...

Poppy - and I approve of you!

Suzi Q said...

WTF? Has someone ever asked you to put your pets away when they come over? Seriously? If you don't like my "child" then don't come over! If you have actual real live human children and I come to your house and the child is screaming it's head off while shitting themsleves do I ask you to put your child away?

(Sorry, I kind of let myself get away there!)

Verdant Earl said...

Paige - No you didn't. I have a sister in-law who asks that all pets be put away when her and my brother visit with the kids. Kinda have to because my nephew is very allergic to cats and dogs. But her daughter was poorly potty trained and she has peed or crapped on the furniture more than once. Without any apologies from the parents!!!