May 6, 2008

Cloverfield - SPOILERS

Until I have something better to say, this seems to have become a DVD review site once again. For good movies. We already have a review site for awful movies, but I haven't seen any lately.

I watched the oddly title Cloverfield last night in the wee hours of the morning, and I got hooked. I spent more time online reading about it and checking out the viral marketing after my viewing than I did to actually watch it. It's less than an hour and a half long and it felt even shorter. Just like I said yesterday about No Country for Old Men, it left me wanting more...and that's what I want out of a movie.

Now I know that I'm probably the last geek on the block to see it. Most of you (yeah...I'm looking at you) most likely saw it in the theaters when it was released. I couldn't be bothered. I was probably getting laid or something equally as cool that weekend.
Anyway, I've spent a lot of time theorizing as to what happened back on April 27th (towards the end of the film) with the object falling out of the sky in the waters off of Coney Island and I think I have all of the answers. Without and further ado here is my top ten list:

  1. It was merely some icy debris from the toilets of a an airliner passing over head. The ice melted in the warm waters off of Coney Island (yeah, right) causing an excrement monster of massive size to awaken and terrorize the denizens of New York City.
  2. It was Oceanic Flight 815 and the monster that attacked NYC is a mutated Locke. Hell-bent on getting back to the island so he can cuddle with Jacob. I was thinking Hurley at first because of the extreme size of the creature, but he's a widdew puppy dog who wouldn't hurt a fly...much less Lady Liberty.
  3. It was just a speck on my TV screen. I gotta clean that shit.
  4. I may have had a minor stroke there at the end of the film and I only THOUGHT I saw something plummet into the ocean. That would also explain why I woke up with my head in the cat's litter box. Kinda comfortable, actually.
  5. It was a Japanese satellite that fell out of orbit. Upon retrieval of the satellite, the Japanese conglomerate who owned the hunk o' junk discovered a huge reserve of a biological substance that they believed would taste great in their new soft drink, Slusho. What they didn't know is that there was a nasty behemoth that looks like a big cricket whose only source of nutrition was the secret sauce that the Japanese claimed for their own. So it looked for the most Japanese tourists it could find and it wound up in Manhattan - hoping to become the next Godzilla.
  6. That last one is one What a lot of fans believe is the actual backstory. Really.
  7. It was JJ Abrams now massive ego crashing down to Earth. I mean, does he really get to call this a JJ Abrams project? He didn't direct it or write it, he only produced it. I say that without any knowledge whatsoever of what a producer actually does. I'll leave it to Ginormous Boobs to learn me. I've been very, very bad and I need to be taught a lesson. Hard!
  8. It was a space shuttle filled with about one hundred thousand MacGuffins. That's a lot of MacGuffins.
  9. It was Will Smith returning to Earth after planting a virus in the mothership that would eventually bring down the advancing alien horde. He arrived alone in NYC to wind up fighting a horde of a different kind - CGI vampire thingies. He was quoting as saying "Aw...HELL NO!" upon arrival. It got even more ridiculous after that! (Note - "horde" is easily one of my favorite words. Just thought you would like to know - Earl)
  10. It was the long-awaited return of Xenu. He has come back to claim Suri Cruise as his intergalactic bride. Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! that was only 9 things. Gimme a break. I haven't had my coffee yet.



i am the diva said...

i haven't seen this. not really planning to - but it's probably xenu.

Bruce Johnson said...

This is just one of those films that I don't have a lot of desire to see. The whole concept of Viral Marketing sort of turns me off to wanting to see a film. It is like seeing a thousand billboards for a book that won't be published for 6 months. When it finally comes out, I don't really care about it. After the awful experience with the Blair Witch Project, I need to have a good idea of what the plot entails and see some respected names in the credits. Hidden plot lines and whispers don't do it for me.

Slyde said...

now this really surprises me...

i loved cloverfield, but i really thought you were going to call to tell me you hated it.

you sir, are finally comming around...

elizabeth said...

Does this place keep changing color? I never know if I'm in the right place anymore ;O)

Verdant Earl said...

Diva - Xenu it is.

Lotus - Yeah, I hear ya. I wasn't expecting to like it, but I decided to give it a go. I had a lot of fun with it.

Slyde - I'm an enigma.

Liz - Been about 3 weeks since I changed my template. Thanks for noticing. (grumbles....not like I don't visit her fucking blog every fucking day...grumbles)

limpy99 said...

You're way, way off base on this one. That thing coming out of the sky was Iron Man, streaking earthward in a blatant bit of cross-promotion.

Verdant Earl said...

Limpy - found explanation #10. Well done, sir!

RW said...

It was the long-awaited return of Xenu. He has come back to claim Suri Cruise as his intergalactic bride.

My name is RW and I approve this message.

Verdant Earl said...

RW - I knew you would. ;)