Sep 10, 2008

It's the end of the World... we know it. I guess I feel fine.

The Large Hadron Collider goes online today. Apocalypse conspiracy theorists are agog over the possibilities of catastrophe. Me too, although I really don't think any of them are gonna happen. The mind, however, races.

There is the remote possibility that it could create mini-black holes that would spawn and multiply and eventually devour the entire planet. I think that theory is just racist. They wouldn't be as upset with white holes, I tell you that. But they just hate those uppity black holes.

There is the remote possibility that it could generate something called dark matter. I don't even know what dark matter is, but getting worried about this one sounds racist as well. Dark/ You be the judge

Or how about the remote possibility that it could actually cause some kind of temporal displacement or flux. From there we could have the basic model for time travel, for lack of a better phrase. How could this be a bad thing? There is nothing I wish for on a daily basis more than time travel. Well, there is that invisibility/women's locker room fantasy. But I digress.

So, if for any of these reasons the World starts a quick journey to it's inevitable end starting today on the Swiss/French border (that's always where I assumed it was gonna happen anyway - Earl), here are the top 5 things I wanna do with my remaining days. Assuming, of course, that the whole time traveling thing is for real.

Top 5 Time Travel Vacations for Earl
  1. I would love to go back to Ancient Sumerian times to be the first person in the history of the world to have a beer. They invented it, ya know. They even had a Goddess of Brewing. I pray to that Goddess every week, and I never even knew about her. Ah, I can already taste that sweet nectar!
  2. May of 1939. Hitler was on the rise and the second World War was less than six months away. Oh, I wouldn't have done anything to stop the War. That would be a bit of grandiose posturing, I think. Nope...I'd pick me up a copy of Detective Comics #27. The first appearance of Bob Kane's Batman. How sweet would that be?
  3. November of 1966. I'd tell a certain young boy to not be afraid of the cruel world waiting for him in the future. I would tell him to face his fears and strive for greatness in a society that can beat you down easier than it builds you up. I would tell him to boldly go where no man has gone before. But somehow I don't think that Carrot Top would listen to me.
  4. I think it would be cool to go back to pre-historic times. When man first started walking upright on that long climb into the realm of Civilization. And I would fuck with their heads with a flashlight or an iPod or something. Nothing brings the funny like messing with Neanderthals!
  5. This last one is serious. I would definitely go back to 325 AD and have a little chat with Emperor Constantine. The Council of Nicaea was a decent idea and all, I guess. But it's legacy of state-sanctioned religion has led to all kinds of trouble for the human race. Trouble we still find ourselves in today. 1,700 years down the road. Plus I heard that those Roman Emperors had all the best booze and whores. I wanna party with that guy!

So where/when would you travel back in time to if this Super Collider thing actually delivers?

PS - I told you yesterday something was going on with Kim Jong Il. You heard it here first!


Poppy said...

Ohhhh nooooo!!! I love it when Bobby Lee makes fun of Kim Jong Il on MADtv! Wah.

Just, wah.

(Yes, I'm leaving a comment to make myself looking more appealing to Gia. Hi, Gia! Want to hang out with a random blogger?)

Kaye Waller said...

Two times/places: first, I'd go to 1787 Vienna and take music lessons from Mozart. Then I'd head to Arle and buy some paintings from van Gogh -- cheap.

Mrs. Hall said...

This is the second hadron article I have not been able to get through. Funniest thing, I keep finding myself waking up on the key board, all drooly.

Whatever it is, if the world does end, it's been great blogging with ya'll.

If no, I have the google follower thing up and running. Now I can stop going to Ajooja's site to get at the sites I want to follow. I am following you Mr. Earl. I like your blog very much.

And I can stop being the top person in his recent visitors list.

I even figured out how to have follow up comments mailed to my email. I mean look at that, it is right there, down below this box I am writing in. Who knew?

So yay for that.


Mrs. Hall

Kaye Waller said...

Besides, we've been living with small-scale black holes all along. Where do you think all those socks and pens go?

Barlinnie said...

If the world does end and we all get sucked into a black hole, can I have your lawnmower?

Avitable said...

I'd just go seduce my great grandmother so I could be my own ancestor.

Verdant Earl said...

Poppy - believe it or not, she doesn't read my blog every day. What the hell is that all about? ;)

Steph - now I feel shallow! ;)

Mrs. Hall - wait a minute! Are you saying my post was boring? C'mon...your comment was almost as long as my post, fer crissakes! Go back and read it, there was some comedy gold in there toward the end. :)

Steph - gnomes. Gnomes have been stealing socks and pens all these years. Didn't you know that?

NMTB - and my hedge clippers. But I promised my leaf blower to someone else.

Avitable - Finally! The answer I was looking for. Knew I could count on you!

Mrs. Hall said...

yes, yes. I do get a bit wordy.

And rest assured, it is not your writing, it is the subject of the hedron thing.

BUT! I shall reread it today and mine the gold.

Mrs. Hall

Slyde said...

i would go back to may of 1991 and tell a young slyde not to ever strike up a conversation about comic books with that geeky guy in the accounting dept.

p.s. you didnt really just say "uppity black holes", did you?

Verdant Earl said...

Mrs. Hall - I never try to bring the "serious" when it comes to topics like this. I usually go for the "sarcastic". Enjoy!

Slyde - good one! What were you doing then, anyway? You came to our department to photocopy the user guide to a video game you were illegally copying and you didn't want to be caught doing it in your department. Right? I have the memory of a steel trap! And the "uppity" thing was a reference to that douchebag politician from the South who called the Obamas that last week.

Michelle said...

I would love to spend an afternoon with John Adams and his wifey Mary in 1797 right before he became Prez!!! A glass of wine perhaps and a meal just to pick his brain!!!

Your time travels are very interesting indeed! Where do you come up with all this stuff??? It's funny dude!!

Also, i see i am FINALLY on your blog roll!! YAY!!


P.S. I have no clue what a large Hadron Collider
is!!! I think i quickly read it as a collinder!! You know, like for cooking and stuff!!!

Verdant Earl said...

Michelle - Every time I tried adding you to my blogroll, Google added a different blog instead of yours. So I finally had to do it manually.

Heff said...

Hey ! Don't knock "The Top" ! I dig that red haired freak !

Verdant Earl said...

Heff - when it comes to 'The Top", yeah...we are gonna have to agree to disagree.

Bruce Johnson said...

I find your in-depth knowledge of the obscure events in world history remarkable.

Anonymous said...

Kim Jong Il? Reports of his death have been greatly exaggerated. Poured out 40 ounces of O.E. and proper kudos to anyone who understands this reference. Peas.

Verdant Earl said...

Lotus - like the origins of beer? ;)

WLC - I have no idea. Team America? I'm so ashamed.

limpy99 said...

I'd probably go back to today and tell them not to start the LHC. Color me practical.

Verdant Earl said...

Limpy - I think you just blew my mind.

Mrs. Hall said...

I had Mr. Hall explain the collider to me to better understand this post. It provided a brief glimpse into conversations we use to have. That being intelligent and not about the kids. Thanx for that!

Anyway-black matter is the fuel for the space ship on Futurama.

And-I if time travel were possible, I am not sure I would want to go. I am having a lot of fun right now. No need to leave.


Enjoyed the post,

Mrs. Hall

Verdant Earl said...

Mrs. Hall - glad I could help.

pure evyl said...

I've always thought that a visit to an Old Roman Vomitoreum would kick ass.

Poppy said...

Dawg doesn't read my blog everyday either (even though I read *his* everyday. ... But who's counting. :p )

Verdant Earl said...

Evyl - Those Romas sure could party.

Poppy - I would totally read Gia's blog every day if she had a blog. Costs me nothing to say that. ;)