The Large Hadron Collider goes online today. Apocalypse conspiracy theorists are agog over the possibilities of catastrophe. Me too, although I really don't think any of them are gonna happen. The mind, however, races.
There is the remote possibility that it could create mini-black holes that would spawn and multiply and eventually devour the entire planet. I think that theory is just racist. They wouldn't be as upset with white holes, I tell you that. But they just hate those uppity black holes.
There is the remote possibility that it could generate something called dark matter. I don't even know what dark matter is, but getting worried about this one sounds racist as well. Dark/light...black/white. You be the judge
Or how about the remote possibility that it could actually cause some kind of temporal displacement or flux. From there we could have the basic model for time travel, for lack of a better phrase. How could this be a bad thing? There is nothing I wish for on a daily basis more than time travel. Well, there is that invisibility/women's locker room fantasy. But I digress.
So, if for any of these reasons the World starts a quick journey to it's inevitable end starting today on the Swiss/French border (that's always where I assumed it was gonna happen anyway - Earl), here are the top 5 things I wanna do with my remaining days. Assuming, of course, that the whole time traveling thing is for real.
Top 5 Time Travel Vacations for Earl
- I would love to go back to Ancient Sumerian times to be the first person in the history of the world to have a beer. They invented it, ya know. They even had a Goddess of Brewing. I pray to that Goddess every week, and I never even knew about her. Ah, I can already taste that sweet nectar!
- May of 1939. Hitler was on the rise and the second World War was less than six months away. Oh, I wouldn't have done anything to stop the War. That would be a bit of grandiose posturing, I think. Nope...I'd pick me up a copy of Detective Comics #27. The first appearance of Bob Kane's Batman. How sweet would that be?
- November of 1966. I'd tell a certain young boy to not be afraid of the cruel world waiting for him in the future. I would tell him to face his fears and strive for greatness in a society that can beat you down easier than it builds you up. I would tell him to boldly go where no man has gone before. But somehow I don't think that Carrot Top would listen to me.
- I think it would be cool to go back to pre-historic times. When man first started walking upright on that long climb into the realm of Civilization. And I would fuck with their heads with a flashlight or an iPod or something. Nothing brings the funny like messing with Neanderthals!
- This last one is serious. I would definitely go back to 325 AD and have a little chat with Emperor Constantine. The Council of Nicaea was a decent idea and all, I guess. But it's legacy of state-sanctioned religion has led to all kinds of trouble for the human race. Trouble we still find ourselves in today. 1,700 years down the road. Plus I heard that those Roman Emperors had all the best booze and whores. I wanna party with that guy!
So where/when would you travel back in time to if this Super Collider thing actually delivers?
PS - I told you yesterday something was going on with Kim Jong Il. You heard it here first!