May 13, 2009

Pick me, Indy! Pick me!

The worst hack on the web* is reporting that Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart are looking to adopt.

I'd like to officially put myself on their radar as a candidate.

Mr. Ford, here are a list of my qualifications:
  • I'm 42 and you are 66, so you actually could be my father.  
  • We both share rogue-ish good looks, so (again) you actually could be my father.
  • I've secretly been calling you "Dad" for a while now anyway.
  • I look good in a fedora, so those weekend father/son fedora getaways wouldn't be a problem.
  • I don't have much of an interest in carpentry, but I am willing to learn.
  • By "willing to learn", I mean that I can hand you a hammer or fetch you a beer while you build us a porch to hang out on.
  • Although I've never been to Jackson Hole, Wyoming where you own a ranch, I have been to the Jackson Hole Diner in Queens and I love the burgers there.  Pretty much the same thing, right?
  • I probably could have talked you out of making that last Indiana Jones film.  But it did add a substantial dollar value to my eventual inheritance so who is to say you made a wrong decision.  Certainly not me, Dad.
  • I've never been a fan of ridiculously skinny women, so there would be little to no chance that I would fall for "Mom".  I can't promise that she won't have naughty feelings about me as I have already mentioned my rogue-ish good looks.  But I would never let her play dirty mother/son games with me.  Unless you really wanted me to, Dad.  I know keeping up with her must be a bit of a chore for you these days.
  • I like to fish.  I don't know if that means anything, but I'm throwing it out there.
  • I promise never to mention Hollywood Homicide.  Well, I promise never to mention it again.

 So what do you think?  If you are interested, please leave a comment down below.  Thanks, um, Dad?

*OK...there are probably many, many websites out there worse than Perez Hilton.  I just can't stand the guy.  And I don't read his stuff normally.  This article was referenced on another site I read.  Pffftht!

Note: Remember to play the Bug-Eyed Trivia Challenge every day. I've seen all of your movies, Mr.Ford.


Anonymous said...

I have been to Jackson Hole, Wyoming

I would be willing to call Calista Mom, as I am spanking her.

Perez Hilton does pretty much suck.

That is all, for now.


Verdant Earl said...

Wil - Calista Flockhart is built like a slender 12 year-old boy. She doesn't do a thing for me.

Kate said...

Good luck on getting the, er, position. You never know.
(Man crush! tee hee)

Michelle said...

I am now picturing you in a fedora!!! And with your rogue-ish good looks I think I need to meet you!!

Also, I am into slender 12 year old boys...

Wait what???

No I mean slender men!! No I mean slender woman.


Funny post!!!

Avitable said...

I used to find Calista Flockhart attractive but as she's gotten older, she's gotten ganglier and more googly-eyed.

One of your points should have been, "You can call me Junior."

sybil law said...

I might have to fight with you over this one. I love Harrison Ford, and I think I could take on Calista in a fight (my 7 year old could take her on in a fight)....
Nah - reeks of too much effort. Therefore, I join your campaign.
Junior. Hehe

Verdant Earl said...

Kate - every dude my age has a bit of a man crush on Han So, er, Indiana Jo, er, Harrison Ford.

Michelle - slender is ok, but gimme a woman with something to hold onto. If you know what I mean.

Avitable - That's why you get paid the big bloggy bucks. :)

Sybil - we named the dog Indiana! (I dunno, that seemed somewhat appropriate there)

Slyde said...

is "rogue-ish good looks" a fancy way of saying "funny-looking"?

cause if it is, then ragarding this list, i think you hit the nail on the head...

Slyde said...

p.s. yes, i spelled "regarding" wrong. Thought i'd cut you off at the knees there with your funny comeback, you rogue you!

Verdant Earl said...

Slyde - Why did you have to go and do that? You know how much I love pointing out your spelling errors! Speaking of "ragarding", I should have included something from Regarding Henry. Damn!

Heff said...

Oh, stop it. You just wanna hit Calista's Flockhart, don't you ?

Ookami Snow said...

OK I'll adopt you... oh you only want Harrison Ford to adopt you?

Verdant Earl said...

Heff - Not. At. All.

Ookami - yeah, it's kind of an all or nothing thing here. Thanks anyway!

Callie said...

Oooh, I'd like to be adopted by Harrison, too.

But then, I'd probably go all Soon-Yi on the poor guy, and that would just be icky.

He's all yours, Earl.

Bruce Johnson said...

Earl, you are a shoe-in.....either you or Gary of the two.

i am the diva said...

when you get adopted, can i come hang out?

Verdant Earl said...

Callie - I'm taking him!

Bruce - What you talkin' bout, Bruce!

Diva - Sure. Jackson Hole is just a hop, skip and a jump from the Skatch. Which looks surprisingly warm in that video you posted today.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I'll call him Daddy any time, any day of the week regardless of what age he is...*sigh*

Verdant Earl said...

Candy - yeah, that did come out a little gay on my part, didn't it?

Faiqa said...

Dear Mr. Earl,

Thank you so much for your application. As the sole firm representing the Ford-Flockhart adoption endeavor, I regret to inform you that the position has been filled by a young Indian boy named Rajesh who was sewing soccer balls in Gujrat for 25 U.S. cents a month.

You'll be happy to know that Rajesh, who will heretofore be called "Hank" is doing well. His parents to be have already procured an exceptionally attractive Brazilian nanny who will not only facilitate his coming of age at the standard age of 13, but whose son will inevitably be a facilitator to the meth habit young Rajesh will develop in the next 3-4 years.

We thank you for your interest and would like to encourage to circulate your resume to the folks over at the Pitt-Jolie household.

We understand that they're initiating an affirmative action policy and it seems that near middle aged white men are grossly underrepresented.

All the best.
Ford-Flockhart PR

Please ignore the "Faiqa said" part of this comment. We have no idea who that is. And, yet, we're strangely fascinated by her...

~E said...

Sean Connery and Harrison Ford.

Yummy old dudes.

If you become his son, can I then become your gf? Makes me one step closer to my boinking Harrison Ford fantasy.

Verdant Earl said...

Faiqa - Great! Another American job lost to the sub-continent. (very funny!) ;)

~E - Sorry. Position is filled already, but I can refer you to some other old dudes I know. They may not look like Harrison Ford, but they all wear hats of some kind. :)

Lifeofkaylen said...

ha, I think you should have included photo-shopped pics of you and him in fedoras standing in front of some tomb. That would seal the deal, I'm sure.

Verdant Earl said...

Kaylen - I have a poster exactly like that in my bedroom!