Oct 19, 2006

Ease his pain.

Some of you may recall a little discussion we had on purchasing birth control here on these pages. For you newbies, here is the link.

A few of you (you know who you are) suggested that I ease my embarrassment by going hog-wild and just buying every little heinous thing that they have at the drug store along with my rubbers (always hated that term). Ease the pain, so to speak.

Gotta tell ya, the other stuff ain't so embarrassing. Here's my story:

I was heading to the drugstore the other day on my way to my lady love's (shiny!) house. She has caught my cold (ya mess with da bull, ya get da horns!) so I wanted to be sure to buy her the proper meds she needed to fend it off with. I'm good like that!

So I call her up and ask her what she wants. We settle on some things and then she says "Oh...would you mind picking me up some feminine products?" Ooooookkkkaaaaayyyy!

She wanted the variety pack of tampons...you know, regular and heavy flow. But not the kind with deodorant. Apparently that shit can mess you up. Who knew? And she wanted some winged maxi-pads. The heavy-flow/overnight type. I thought she was pulling my leg at this point. Nope...she was serious. Oh yeah, and she wanted some shampoo and conditioner. Fah! I laugh at buying shampoo and conditioner. Laugh at you, I say!

I'm cool! I waltz (that's right!) into the store with my SHOPPING LIST FROM HELL and I get to work. Couldn't find the variety pack of the non-deodorized tampons, so I had to punt and get two packages. Cool. The pads were a little harder to find. For some reason, they only had the overnight shit way on the bottom shelf towards the back. Wouldn't that really piss off some crazy lady who really needed them and was experiencing cramping and back pains from her monthly visit from Flo? Having to bend over like that? It sure pissed me off, and I'm a dude!

Anyway, once my basket was properly filled with embarrassing feminine products I see that my retarded friends are back at the checkout counter. Great! Wonder-Retarded-Twins Power...activate! Form of...a dumb blonde. Shape of...a bucket of water. Never understood the whole "water" thing, but it would be a step up the evolutionary chain for either of these nimrods.

I decided not to risk messing with Retard #2's change-making skills and I paid for the entire she-bang on my debit card. Nipped that problem in the ass, ya know what I mean? Still took the stoopid retard forever.

You know what? Wasn't embarrassed at all. She could have included anal-wart medicine, hemmorroid cream and halitosis pills and I would have been fine. In fact, I could have handled all that while farting "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson AND wiping my nose on my sleeve and I would have been fine.

Anything but condoms. Anything but that!


Anonymous said...

now THAT was damn funny.

What that scene needed was ME there with you. Believe me, i would have made that trip the 9th circle of Hell for you.

Verdant Earl said...

No...I think you would have eased the embarrassment even more.

I would have told the retard twins that all that shit was for you...

...and you would have played along.

Anonymous said...

yes, i probably would....

Kat said...

Actually. Now that you put it that way. Anal wart medicine wouldn't be a very good cover up for buying condoms. NOT. GOOD. AT. ALL.

elizabeth said...

Kat - LOL

A man who buys feminine products is worthy.

Verdant Earl said...

oooh, always thinking that Kat is.

Good kitty!

Mermaid Melanie said...

aha!! excellent! brave in the ways of buying feminine hygiene products, but not condoms...

can you order condoms online? that would save you having to face dumb cashiers too .

Verdant Earl said...

You would think I would have mastered the art of buying shit online, but still learning.

Not having to face the retard twins is really the key.