Oct 3, 2006

Oh the shame!

So, I'm rapidly approaching 40.

Think I've mentioned that before, but it bears repeating. The thing about it is that you would think that a distinguished gentleman like myself would get over stuff that most people got over in their mid-teens. Not me.

I'm still ashamed to buy birth control.

That's right. Most men consider it a badge of honor. Sort of like announcing to the world "I'M GOING TO HAVE SEX TONIGHT! WELL, IF NOT TONIGHT THEN MAYBE SOMETIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE!" Unfortunately, I've always been really embarrassed by the whole thing. I know the clerk at the store will be snickering as soon as I'm out the door. "What are you gonna do with those? Make water balloons? Mwah-ha-ha-ha!"

I guess from the water balloon comment you can tell that our birth control method of choice is condoms. Sokay with me. I'd wrap my body in latex if it meant having sex on a regular basis. Latex body suit...hmmm? What was I saying? Oh yeah, condoms. Seriously, I've never been a big proponent of birth control pills if my lady love (shiny!) doesn't like how them make her feel and I really don't mind wearing them. Tough to find shoes that matches them, though.

Stupid, isn't it? Well the other day I was in the midst of doing some shopping and random chores about town when I remembered that I was out of condoms. Shit! Then I remembered that my girl (shiny!) wasn't spending the night with me that evening. I had a one-day reprieve. At least!

I did intend on seeing her. She was managing the restaurant that night and I thought I would pop in, have a few beers and bid her a fond good night. So I stroll into town and into her place when she spots me. She immediately comes over for a hello snog and whispers into my ear "I've changed my mind about tonight. Can I stay over? Did you buy condoms?"


So I waltz (that's right!) into the local drugstore where there is not one, but two teenaged girls working the counter. And they are retarded. Not actually disabled, but just stupid as all hell. Great!

I grab my condom box o' choice and a pack of gum. Yeah, I can't even go in and buy JUST a box of condoms...gotta get something else so they can think "Well...at least his breath will be fresh". I get to the counter and retard #1 is apparently training retard #2 who is manning the till. Great again! First she has trouble scanning the objects. Then she announces that it comes to $10.80 for the two items. This is all taking forever. And a line is forming behind me. A line of women.

I give her a twenty and a single in the hopes that it will assist her change-making skills. Not so. She looked at me with that retarded look of hers and said "You had enough with just the twenty?"

I sigh and say "Yeah, I know, but I figured you could just give me back a ten and 20 cents. Easier for you, right?" She didn't get it. She actually gave me a five and five singles instead of the ten. WTF? Then she said "Sorry...I'm not good at making change yet."

You know what? I don't think she'll ever be good at making change. Or dialing a phone. Or wiping properly. She's retarded!

So my embarrassing 1-minute chore took almost 15-minutes because of these retards. And a long line of customers got a very good idea of what the rest of my night was going to consist of...chewing gum and drinking away my shame!

PS - Never did use those condoms that night. FUCK!


elizabeth said...

That kicks ass. If you ever buy "shiny" tampons - I want the video rights.

Anonymous said...

Because of the severe lack of naked ladies in my life, I've only had to buy condoms once...

Is this a good thing, or bad? ;)


Kat said...

Next time try buying every possible embarrassing thing in the store including the condoms. That's just funnier and the condoms won't stand out as being as weird as the douche and hemroid cream.

Anonymous said...

Well, just think, it could have been worse...

You could have been in a obscure video store and rented foot fetish porn.

Oh wait, you did that too once....

Verdant Earl said...

We have already discussed that it was YOU that rented said foot porn on MY video club membership.

Don't make me embarrass you again!

Anonymous said...

Look, we can he said/she said till the cows come home, but at the end of the day, the court will recognize that YOUR name was on the receipt.

case closed.

Knitty Yas said...

Oh my god thats hilarious!! you need to beat your fear completely. lol here's what you do, go to the store. purchase the following items
1.depends size extra large overnights.
2. Kotex extra long pads with wings.
3. O.B. without the applicator tampons.
4. half a gallon of milk.
5. 1 lb of meunster cheese.
6. any adult magazine of your choice.
7. personal home anema kit.
8. hemeroidal cream.
9. your condoms
and finally 10. your pack of gum.

:p they will either think your working on the coolest science fair project in the history of man, or your one sick fuck. :p

hehe ain't life grand?

Verdant Earl said...

Muenster cheese? Your'e right! They would think I'm a sick fuck.

Kinda true, actually.

i am the diva said...

your posts are hilarious.