It's always been difficult for me to name a favorite film. I love Dr. Strangelove, but then I love all of Kubrick's films. I love Jaws because, well...it's fucking Jaws man! I love The Princess Bride because it's so damned quotable. And lately I've loved The Departed just as much as any film even with it's many, many flaws.* Oh, and you all know how I feel about The Big Lebowski.
*C'mon. I love Jack, but as an Irish-American gangster? Not buying it. And nice coincidence that both protagonist and antagonist fell for the same unlucky woman. I get the whole Shakespearean drama of it all, but c'mon. But I do love watching Marky Mark give the finger to Matt Damon. And I can't get enough of Alec Baldwin. So I watch it. Every. Single. Time. It's. On. It's just so fucking good!
But I don't know what single film I would pick as my favorite. Too hard.
I can, however, tell you what my favorite series of films is. No...not the original Star Wars trilogy or the three abominations that later followed. No...not the Indiana Jones trilogy or the single abomination that later followed*. No...not the Matrix trilogy. And no, not even the Lord of the Rings trilogy. And those last three films had me creaming in my jeans. Seriously. I'm getting hard just thinking about them.
*Hey, George Lucas! I'm talking to you, mother-fucker!
No. My favorite series of films?
The Substitute. And it's three sequels.
OK, OK...these movies kinda sucked. I know. I KNOW! But I fucking love them! I can and will watch them whenever they are on some shitty cable channel at 2AM. They are just so fucking bad ass. Want me to run down how bad ass they are? Let me start with the first film:
- Tom Berenger = bad ass. He was fucking Staff Sergeant Barnes in Platoon for crissakes! Bad. Ass.
- William Forsyth = bad ass. He is always great in whatever he does. Remember him in Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead? Boat drink bad ass!
- That fat Hispanic dude who always plays a fat Hispanic dude, and that other Hispanic dude who always plays a soldier or a sniper or a dude named Sniper = double downed Hispanic bad assery!
- Marc Anthony = well, okay...he ain't so bad ass. What a lame excuse for a bad ass villain!
And the bad ass quotient was kicked up a notch in the three sequels by replacing the bad ass Tom Berenger with the even more bad ass Treat Williams. OK, he doesn't LOOK any more bad ass than Berenger, but he smirks a whole lot more bad ass. Plus he was in one of the most bad ass films of all time. No, not Prince of New York. I'm talking about Deep Rising. Now that is a fucking bad ass movie that I've already written about somewhere on this blog. Total bad ass!
Whether the Substitute is taking down a drug ring in Miami (The Substitute), a carjacking ring in Brooklyn (The Substitue 2: School's Out), a steroid ring on Long Island* (The Substitute 3: Winner Takes All) or a neo-Nazi elite military school gang in Georgia (The Substitute: Failure Is Not an Option), the Substitute always brings the bad ass-itude! Chuck Norris would piss his pants like a 12-year old weakling if he were ever to face The Substitute! THAT'S how bad ass he is.
*Okay, sports fans...get a load of this. A top-notch college football program on Long Island called Eastern State University is secretly using steroids to bulk up their athletes. Now what is the really funny part of that last sentence? That's right..."top-notch college football program on Long Island". That shit is hilarious. Sure, Jim Brown and Vinny Testaverde and Boomer Esiason all went to high-school on Long Island. But they all went elsewhere to play their college ball. You know why? Because there basically is no college football on Long Island. We live in a dead zone for Division I football here. That's why Irish-Catholic kids like myself disgust the rest of the country by becoming Notre Dame fans...even if we don't attend that school. What else are we gonna do? Root for Boston College? C'mon!
Feel free to openly mock me with your words. Go ahead. I'm above it all. I know there is no substitute (see what I did there?) for these films. They fucking rule!
Just like me.
Note: Remember to play the Bug-Eyed Trivia Challenge every day. I'm sure the Substitute would be all over it like the bad ass mother-fucker he is!